Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[NickB]

She said she’s not opposed to doing Retrouvaille another time, but that she can’t do it right now. She said it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to work on “us.” She asked if I was mad and I said, “no. I was hoping you’d join me, but it’s your decision.” I let the conversation about Retro go. There was no point in pushing further… Looking back, I wish I had asked what she wanted to do to work on “us.” We have no plan. I feel like we’re just floating in limbo land.

I am no expert, but in my own sitch, this type of conversation would have only added pressure to my W. Once she said she didnt want to go,l I think I would have chosen a course to validate and move on. Anything more doesnt validate her feelings but does push it all back on her.

She said that lately I don’t talk very much. She said when we do talk I just stare at her. She said I don’t respond with more than a few words to her emails. I told her that I’m listening to what SHE has to say. She said, “well this is going to be a fun life. We’ll just sit and stare at each other.” I laughed and asked her how her job interview went earlier this week.

Maybe you want to adjust your listening technique? Act interested. Ask about her feelings? Dont just stare and listen, get her to talk more and more. It has worked for me but takes a little practice.

So obviously she’s noticed I’ve withdrawn. I’ve intentionally limited communication to give her space. Is this not the correct thing to do? Should I change this behavior?

Detaching does not mean to ignore, it means to lovingly detach. Again, I made some similar mistakes. DB allows you to respond, it encourages you not to initiate R talks. It encourages you not to pursue, but it doesnt imply ignore.

This morning as I walked out the door I said, “let me know if you change your mind about Retrouvaille. The deposit is already paid.” She got frustrated and said that she doesn’t want to spend that much time away from S, but that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to work on things. I told her, “no pressure. I’m just letting you know that you can change your mind if you want since we’re already paid for.”

One day of pressure might have been enough. Twp days of consistent pressure might be pushing too hard at this point. She already told you she didnt want to go. As much as that hurts you are not going to change her mind by boxing her in. Trust me, I offer all of this as learned, painful experience.