Moving the blanket away from the castle

[bustingout]

Journal....

I know each sitch is different, yet there are so many similarities between us all.

I try and observe my sitch as an outsider. Of course this is not completely possible.

I know the odds are very much against R. I practice maintaining my expectations, and often repeat to myself purposefully that H is with OW, H is with OW.

I have a lot of confidence that if I had a second chance we could make it work. And I also realize as long as OW is there, that chance will not materialize.

I am starting to think (after lots of reading and conversations with others more experienced than me) that H may truly be MLC. And that MLC is NOT hope...it is TIME. IF he gets through it I don't know where I will be at the time. Even if he doesn't get through it, I don't know where I will be.

I do understand I am in the middle of a process, for myself.

And I have felt the changes from within me. Becoming more real and more of who I am. Less acting as if and more, this is who I am.

But I digress.


H is seems is in replay for the second time. I say that because there was a time last year when he did end it with OW. I did not have the tools or knowledge I have now, and I quickly scared him away. Even though he was making moves (I can see in hindsight) of spending more time at home, etc.

Lately, I still assume he is with OW. And I will always keep that in my head to keep me grounded and focused on me.

However as an observer.

H is being lot more considerate. Yesterday he brought me a drink I like that is very hard to get in this country. He got it to share with me. Yesterday was the start of our weekend here, so he asked if I wanted a drink. He didn't know I was going out, so I don't know if he thought we would hang out a bit or something.

We had two drinks together and then I went out to my gathering.

I thanked him again, and I said that was fun.

He is talking nicer, starting conversations, being considerate (as much as he can be of course. I mean at this stage being considerate is relative to the past)....I am observing. I engage the bare minimum. At least I try to.

I am walking this path alone. I am not assuming this is a sign of anything. I shouldn't care what he thinks and I won't.

The mind reading part of me?

My mind says he is trying to be nice and friendly to show that we can be 'normal' despite the sitch. I make sure I let my mind lead with this so my heart does not go anywhere else.

I will take it as it is and keep moving forward on MY path.

He will not divert me.