How do I deal with this text message

[25yearsmlc]

Have you considered getting take-out instead? Seriously? Maybe even eat it before you go home so you're not hungry??
Either way, don't be surprised NO MATTER what you find when you get home. But that was very well played on your part and I applaud that.
AJ

Thanks AJ -- why is it so hard to stand up to her - I think it's all the guilt I have about the ways I wasn't a great husband - but no one deserves to be a doormat --

Plenty of stuff to eat in the house so I will not starve LOL

Pretty sure this is the first time I've seen you say a word about what YOU may have done to contribute to the situation.

I will not defend her actions.

But you are NOT DBing much. I think (it's a GUESS/HUNCH) you repeatedly asked your DB coach to support YOUR Desire to go to SIL's wedding enough so that she relented and told you to just go to the ceremony but we all know you wanted to be included AND were worried about your wife's actions... NOT b/c you had to see your son IN a wedding, live...as if a video would not serve.

Your pattern is clear and it's NOT working.

TWO things...

You're transparent in your focus on HER instead of on YOU. Put YOUR FOCUS ON YOU and only you'

You have stuff to work on, that you mentioned above. What are those things? What is it that you feel guilty about as a husband?

Why aren't you working on that, instead of talking about your wife's behavior?

Almost all of your posts are about HER. Stop that.

Make this about YOUR WORK b/c you are the only person here working on the marriage,

she's not posting here. We can do nothing about her and NEITHER CAN YOU

so you just work on you. You are all you control.

DO YOU BELIEVE ^^^^THAT? B/c if you think YOU can control her or manipulate or

or apply the DB principles as if they are a code to follow that guarantees you a returned spouse, you're wrong.

TRUE DB efforts are ALL about our self improvement, which makes US happier and better, as parents and partners and happier as people.

That matters. Sometimes that's all we get and it has to be enough.

But I think it's the most likely way to reconcile and

it's a DEFINITE way to keep your self respect.

So work on YOU.

And listen/process what we say. You've asked the same question a number of times. LIke fixing the house-if it makes financial sense, and at some point you yourself OUGHT TO KNOW then do it. Stop all the 2nd guessing.

And speaking of which, come up with a PLAN of action and stick to it.

When you know you've given your w notice that you are going out, whoever is supposed to get the sitter ought to be clear. Either it is you or her.

IF she is "supposed" to be home (meaning SHE agreed to be) but later changes her mind, that's not your problem.

Stay calm at all times. Never lose your temper or you'll lose your power.

Stop the snooping and wondering if she's with OM. If you were once in love and happy, and SHE WAS TOO (and of course she was, you're not insane and she's not that great of an actress)

then trust that good memories will resurface, unless you keep forcing her to think of the negatives.

She WILL ONLY think of the negatives as long as you challenge her choices.
You force her to defend those choices.

IGNORE HER IDIOTIC CHOICES if you want to stay sane and married, for now.

If it helps you to see her MLC as an illness, so be it. Sometimes I chose to see it that way too. It's just not an illness they always recover from.

But things on your end changed too. You admit you have your issues but you remain very quiet about what they are.

To hear you tell it, ALL of this came out of nowhere but you posted first in MARCH and all you spoke of was sex. And then you disappeared and posted again her in September. That's a lot of time to spin your wheels.

When did you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?

My point is that you've wasted so much time on HER actions and trying to decode them

instead of creating a better life for YOU and your son. Period.

After you lost your job (& most of the income you were earning) the pressure on HER increased...and her behavior at work may have reflected those pressures or even a desire to sabotage her situation. Maybe she didn't think she could "quit" so she GOT herself fired.

Who knows? NOT RELEVANT NOW but your financial needs remain.
You never mention why you lost your job.

But Isn't it clear you need to work more full time now?

Why aren't you? She's clearly not okay with being the bread winner

and here's a little secret most feminists don't want to admit...

we are most attracted to men who can provide for us. NOT who depend on us for a roof over their heads and food on the table.

We want confident strong men, who can show their emotions while NOT being controlled by them.

Don't obsess about OMs. That's beneath you. Besides, when I met OMs when h and I were sep, sometimes that made me miss my h MORE, not less.

MY h is in good shape and many men my age are not. He's smart and well informed and funny and he gets my sense of humor. Not all men are capable of that and my h isn't threatened by me being smart. A lot of men are uncomfortable around women who are more educated.

So I usually missed my h MORE when I met OMs. I guess I choose to think that happened when he met OWs. No matter, not an issue for us now.

Believe you are the better choice, and become a man only a fool would leave.

And What are you doing to get a a life, other than watching other bands?

Are you meeting any new people?

Expand your comfort zones and enter new areas of life & interests & take a class or start a new hobby or get a new job??


But make some changes that YOU can control. Be in charge of your life and show your son that too.

He notices more than you realize.