He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

Journaling a bit now. I just haven't been myself over the last few days. On the verge of tears nearly constantly.

Since this last crummy turn of events - even prior to that - I've really been losing my mojo. The little positives that I was experiencing were nice and I felt like I was making very slow progress. Spending the time in the evenings with H was nice, even if the affection was not reciprocated.

Now of course, my pride is getting in the way, as it should. To go back to him now and give him anything in the way of physical affection would be very unhealthy for me. But, I'm depressed and sad. I have to focus my GAL on a movie or something that will completely take my mind off H. Even work can be GAL if I can get into it enough and stop thinking about my own stupid situation. I feel like an idiot for putting out so much, being vulnerable, trying to fix things and putting myself in this position to have my heart slammed in the car door.

I also continue to be a little depressed about my social situation - unfortunately I really am walking around with that invisible scarlet letter, whether deserved or not. People hear things that are not necessarily the truth, or not 100% correct anyway, and I feel judged. I am angry at my H for spreading these half-truths about me so viciously and with zero understanding of how that was wrong on his part. I won't call them lies but he certainly did not have MY best interest in mind when he went around telling everyone how I "cheated on him twice." I put that in quotes because that is what he is or was saying, that is his mantra, and no one can tell him any differently.

Aside from starting MC (which is big, I admit) H continues to put forth little to no effort with regards to resolving any of this. What I mean is - he's not showing me in any meaningful way that he cares about fixing our R. I am in one room, he's in another, and unfortunately this is how it was for many years prior to this. Maybe I shouldn't hold that he should be responsible for reaching out to me, but I do think he should at least make an attempt once in a while. He never really did this before though so I guess I'm fooling myself thinking he's going to start now.

Crazyville, if you are reading this, this is why I relate to you. I've had it up to here. My acting out was my own cowardly way of being a WAW.