I actually chose one I liked but H didn't (this was back in July). I decided to let him take the initiative this time, but I did say we both had to feel comfortable. We'll see. The guy is in Beverly Hills and charges a fortune, but H's therapist recommended him so H might be more on board this time.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I'm glad to hear that he made the appointment. I hope that as Breakdown said, he is pro-marriage. The fact that he made the appointment shows some level of trying. However, based on what you said about what happened before, I know you must have concerns about whether H is going to man up to his role, or continue to try to push this off on you.
Have you had any communications with him otherwise?
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Well, I'm still not really too happy with him over what happened last weekend (him going out with that girl.) Just now, I said I was still upset about it and his response was, "That's fine." I had to tell him that it wasn't fine, and that he shouldn't be fine with it. These are the kinds of responses that tell me he's not ready to own any of this.
I didn't speak to him at all while he was on his business trip, not even after the election. I don't really have anything to say to him or any desire to talk to him at this point. But I had to give myself a little talk when I got home tonight and was about to see him after 3 days. I don't want to come across as bitchy or angry, and I definitely feel that way. I see myself as the proverbial cat wagging its tail, tolerating the situation as best I can.
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I know you must have concerns about whether H is going to man up to his role, or continue to try to push this off on you.
It's hard for me to tell what his MO is right now. A good friend of mine says he's mind f-ing me. I don't know if that's true, but I do think he's a little confused about what he wants. Originally he was very committed to D and I don't think he's necessarily on that path any more. I see that he's trying to decide what he wants. But I don't know that he'll man up as you say and take any ownership of any of this. I really do want to work all of this out, still, but without emotional support from him or any sort of sign that he's invested, I don't know that I will be able to.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Journaling a bit now. I just haven't been myself over the last few days. On the verge of tears nearly constantly.
Since this last crummy turn of events - even prior to that - I've really been losing my mojo. The little positives that I was experiencing were nice and I felt like I was making very slow progress. Spending the time in the evenings with H was nice, even if the affection was not reciprocated.
Now of course, my pride is getting in the way, as it should. To go back to him now and give him anything in the way of physical affection would be very unhealthy for me. But, I'm depressed and sad. I have to focus my GAL on a movie or something that will completely take my mind off H. Even work can be GAL if I can get into it enough and stop thinking about my own stupid situation. I feel like an idiot for putting out so much, being vulnerable, trying to fix things and putting myself in this position to have my heart slammed in the car door.
I also continue to be a little depressed about my social situation - unfortunately I really am walking around with that invisible scarlet letter, whether deserved or not. People hear things that are not necessarily the truth, or not 100% correct anyway, and I feel judged. I am angry at my H for spreading these half-truths about me so viciously and with zero understanding of how that was wrong on his part. I won't call them lies but he certainly did not have MY best interest in mind when he went around telling everyone how I "cheated on him twice." I put that in quotes because that is what he is or was saying, that is his mantra, and no one can tell him any differently.
Aside from starting MC (which is big, I admit) H continues to put forth little to no effort with regards to resolving any of this. What I mean is - he's not showing me in any meaningful way that he cares about fixing our R. I am in one room, he's in another, and unfortunately this is how it was for many years prior to this. Maybe I shouldn't hold that he should be responsible for reaching out to me, but I do think he should at least make an attempt once in a while. He never really did this before though so I guess I'm fooling myself thinking he's going to start now.
Crazyville, if you are reading this, this is why I relate to you. I've had it up to here. My acting out was my own cowardly way of being a WAW.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thanks Vero. I'm not too happy about being back on the sofa bed after three days of sleeping in MY OWN bed while H was gone. I hate setting it up and putting it away. Hope you're doing well.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Is the sofa bed in a bedroom? If so maybe consider buying a bed instead?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
My experience is that once you stop talking about OW things will improve. Unfortunately although it hurts, now you know how H felt. I'm not saying that to upset you or anything else. I think he has been very vindictive and petty in some ways. Frankly, he has to forgive you if you are going to reconcile. And forgive wholeheartedly. That is a very difficult thing to do.
If he has been talking to this person for a while then likely there is a need that was filled and it will have to run it's course. There is nothing you will be able to do or say to make that happen any faster. Now is where you have to decide what your limits are. Are you willing to tough it out for a bit or not? Is this a hard line for you?
R-LA, I can see where you're at and I get it. I can imagine the frustration. You've obviously been putting a lot of time and effort into this and I know you'd like to see some progress from him.
I hope you can understand that, for him, it was already difficult for him to be the H you wanted, before the EA. It sounds like there were already significant issues which resulted in your EA. Well, now it's even more difficult. He's probably struggling with the same issues of what to do and how to do it, and now he's struggling with whether or not he can or even wants to.
I was on a major mind-gut last night and settled on something that your H may be dealing with, too. My H had an EA some years back. He apologized, but to this day he'll still say it was nothing. I just don't think he gets it. It makes me want to have an EA too, not to punish him or be vindictive, but just because then we would be operating with the same handicap. I'm wondering if your H is feeling the same way, and that's why he's going out with OW, AND being so obviously blatant about it. I'm not sure, because his way of doing it seems very cruel, so his could just be plain old vindictiveness.
Regardless, hopefully you can use this as a means to truly empathize with how your actions made your H feel. I'm not saying this to beat you up, but he's likely never going to get over it if he doesn't believe you understand. He wouldn't be willing to make himself vulnerable again if there's a good chance you might do it again. You "saying" you won't do it again isn't the same thing as him "believing" you won't.
