Hello! I've spent what feels like days reading on this and other MLC sites but this is my first post. Like many, I wish I'd found it sooner. While I knew my H wasn't himself, it took me a long time to find a name for it. Fortunately, from what I've read, I seemed to follow a lot of the recommended steps intuitively.
BD was about 2 years ago and he moved out about a year ago. Although I suspected an affair, and asked him about it several times he denied, denied, denied. That's one mistake I made and have had a hard time forgiving myself for: while I've always believed ANYONE could have an affair, I never thought H could lie to me. Little did I know that lying and affairs go together like peanut butter and jelly.
I finally got confirmation and confronted him about it 4 months ago. From my first suspicions, I knew exactly who it was - a co-worker on his previous job. She lived across the country and they had only seen each other twice this entire year.(Distance, no doubt, kept it going longer than it might have.) He was very repentant, answered all of my questions openly and honestly, and we had some of the best talks we've had in years. Much of the glow had started to fade from the OW and he was mostly feeling stuck. He ceased contact with her for two months while we figured out what to do. We thought about reconciling but realized neither of us was ready for that. Unlike others on this site, he never asked for a D and just wanted to go on like this indefinitely.
The problem is that he had gotten her work on his current job, one that was going to take him to another city for an extended period. Things were going fine until he had to go visit on a business trip and the fantasy of that other life - of which she was a part - proved too strong to resist. He was torn. I told him if that's what he wanted to do, he should go and I would do nothing to make him feel guilty, but I would file for D. If he didn't go, we would stay separated, and just be there to support each other until we had a clearer idea of what we both wanted. He chose to go, although he was vacillating up until the day he got on the plane.
The real tragedy in this is the timing. We were really connecting and the time before he left was quite nice. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out and having fun, and talking from the heart. He knows that I don't want a D, am not making any final decisions for awhile, and that I'm not giving up on us. It just felt like something that needed to happen right now - an instinct, if you will. One thing I've learned in all this is to trust my instincts.
He calls regularly to talk to the kids, and usually wants to speak to me, too. I keep it light, no R talk, and am usually the first one to say goodbye. The only emails I send are family related.
Here's my problem: he is coming back to visit soon and I don't know if I should let him stay here (on the couch). He doesn't really have anywhere else to go, as he only has a couple of friends. There are pros and cons to each option. For example, Pro: he might get more attached, Con: I might get more attached! I miss him and would love to spend the time with him, but wonder if that is continuing to allow the cake-eating of the last year. I feel it's a critical stage right now and I'm not sure which way to go.
