Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

[reachingHigher]

T^2, I'm thinkin', thinkin', thinkin'. Why would your beautiful W feel ugly?

I do have some similarities with her (SAHM, homeschool, sons) but I don't know her background.

I'm looking in the mirror these days at my imperfections, realizing I may soon be out in the dating game, if I want to be. It is scary, but that's not where your W is at. But maybe she still looks in the mirror and needs that reassurance, within herself (like she IS attractive and could get other guys if she wants -- but she chooses you .... Different than settling for you, if you know what I mean).

I'm not a particularly pretty girl or ugly girl. More like the girl next door. Rosy cheeked outdoor girl when younger, fun-to-be-with hard worker now I'm older. So I may not turn every guy's head, but they usually enjoy talking with me, so it appears. (and as I get older I notice the basics -- healthy weight, standing up straight, smiling, nice clothes -- can really make you stand out in a crowd regardless of your face). Maybe your W hasn't had to think through these things b/c she is assured of your constant love? Idk.

I seemed to always work in a profession where the overwhelming majority doing the job were men. And I could do the job (mental work) as well as they. So I was able to develop a flirty, not promiscuous mode that worked for me. One of my guy friends said "you can be like a guy if you want to be" -- not offended by them, etc.

So this confidence didn't seem to help me at all in the home arena (making food from scratch, raising kids, gardening, running errands) but I'm glad I have it now, as I may need it. does W have any such background where she may have developed confidence?

Also, thinking about how you have described your sitch between the two of you. It seems she has lost the "tigress" when you are willing to be the tiger. The fun is gone out of it? He!!, I guess there isn't ANY of IT?

She needs somehow to rediscover the joy of the chase. Like the days where you flirt all day...words, some playful touching, grabbing, whatever and both of you are wondering, "is IT going to happen tonight? Can't wait!".

To me that's the kind of thing that keeps the spark alive in long term R's. But if she looks in the mirror and only sees her face staring back, it's not happening for her.

I think this process of my H leaving me has seriously helped me re-evaluate myself as a woman. Your W hasn't had to do that, I don't think. And then there are the crazy hormones. I'm guessing menopause is a few years off for her? Is she doing the best for herself physically to balance the hormones (natural means, I mean)?

So...I don't seem to have any answers. Just sharing what's happened with me and questions about her. It's definitely an internal thing. She has to feel sexy and attractive in herself and that kind of sassiness in a way that can drive a guy wild. That'll make HER feel pretty!

I think that telling her she is pretty is good (H never told me unless I asked) but it's obviously not doing it for her. There has to be that drawing of her heart where she wants you. Wants you bad. That will make her look inside herself and she will draw strength of her feminine qualities.

Idk T, maybe it's happening now and you can't see it internally. Like a plant that grows slowly. You can't make it happen for her but you can feed, water the plant and provide plenty of sunshine. I wish so much she could know what a jewel you are.

I'm not much help. Sorry. But I have noticed in my own sitch (sad as it is and you don't want the same ending for sure) the pursuer/distancer dynamic is super strong. All the times I pined for H this summer and now when I ignore him he can't stay away from me! It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so sad. and

Let me know if I brought up anything worth discussing.

P.S. H killed a dog a couple of summers ago while pulling a loaded trailer over a hill with a truck -- going too fast no doubt. He was already well into MLC and was with oldest son. He got out of the truck and the dog owner's H came out with red face and bulging neck veins and and shook his fist in H's face and screamed at him. It must've been horrible. So glad I wasn't there.