The Lure of the Siren

[Denver_2010]

I guess deep inside, I am embarrassed because it turns out she isn't the perfect person I thought she was.

THAT is it right there ^^^. Exactly what you need to come to terms with. It is what is at the heart of every action you take Arsene.

And I understand it well.

But you are protecting her. You are protecting her from the people that you know, and you are protecting her from your D.

I agree with Chatter that you need to stop protecting her.

That doesn't mean publicly humiliating her. It means just being upfront about the situation. Let her deal with the repercussions of that.

For me, I was embarrassed about my W's actions too. I felt fooled as well.

How I handled it. I was open with everyone, including SS and my D, about the status of things. Just the bare bones. I did not offer details. I did not seek to embarrass my W or put her on the defensive. I was just honest. And if anyone ever criticized her to my face, I did defend her. I did take the heat for why we were separated. But after a while, I got sick of defending her. Instead, I learned to just politely excused myself from the conversation.

The bottom line is this. It is not your job to protect your w from ANYONE about the choices that she makes. It is also not your job to make anyone judge her in any particular way. IMO, you should be open and honest about the facts, but let people come to their own conclusions. What that means for you W is, quite frankly, her problem to deal with.

If you live your life well, focus on you and your D, and continue to make the right choices, it won't matter what other people know... even if you reconcile.

I have had to deal with the natural negative backlash against my W since our reconciliation. All I say is this, 'if I can forgive her, then, as my [insert relationship, friend, mom etc], you will forgive her as well.'

You deal with that when, if, the time comes. And it can be done if you are just upfront with people about what is going on and your feelings about it (even if your feelings are 'I don't want to talk about it').