I know its confusing on how they act, and your husband is confused right now too.. he is cake eating.. and all the talk in the world can make him think you are going to be done, but just like you say you will only believe actions, not words.. he is doing the same thing with you.. because your words, don't match your actions...
Once your actions of "being done" match your words of "being done" he will notice... and yes right now he is blame shifting... trying to make you feel guilty for something you did, to take that guilt off of his shoulders...
he also is cake eating like you said... getting the best of both worlds.. I know how hard it is, I wish I were stronger those first few days to realize how amazing and wonderful I am... to say, you can walk this path, but I can't walk it with you... not right now...
time is your friend... time to learn how to live a life without him, you may even like it... how to stop being codependent on eachother.. and how learn how to not need eachother... but want to be together with eachother because you want to... date eachother... take a break from eachother... learn how to breathe again... how to not let this affair consume you.. because if you let it, it will... and it will eat you alive... and you will miss so many amazing things about your life in the process...
It's fall.. the BEST time of year... go on walks... make new friends... find a new hobby... go to a park.. clear your head...
I know all of this is easier said than done.. and YES going strictly no contact is hard... and it may not be the best DB technique for you... perhaps its not letting it bother you, being happy and content and making the best of your day without them... or not bringing up the marriage or talking about it until its dead... but letting them come to you... not pushing... not proding.. not harrasing... not bombarding...
i know you are hurting... you are mad... you are upset... and you deserve to be.... but everyone is hurting in these situations.. even your husband... and if when he comes around you if all you do is remind him of the bad person he has been... he will push you away more...
I just think for now, it wouldn't be bad to just take a break from the situation for a while... to just take care of you.. and focus on your goals and your life and yourself right now... there is nothing wrong with that...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
