I think Denver said it well earlier. Get out there and live your life. For me, GAL'ing and my faith have been the best things to help with my patience. I am in a state where part of my life is just fantastic and there's a part of it that sux. I choose to concentrate on the part that's fantastic as much as I can. When I can do that, I have a great day. When I can't do that, I try to get back to a place where I can.
Emotions change. So on the flipside; when you miss her and feel how strong you want her back, won't the divorce make you hurt even more?
I see were you're going and I probably would feel the same. But I would personally think hard about "am I ready for it?"
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I've heard this from a few different DB'ers that I began here with ... divorce will not bring you closure. Only when your heart and mind have healed will you have closure. That doesn't happen with a piece of paper.
I guess my rationale is that if I am not divorced, there will always be this lingering feeling that something miraculous will happen and my wife will come back to me. That there will be just enough false hope in the back of my mind to make me fall hard every once in a while when I realize that she isn't coming back. My heart and mind will heal and then some little thing that happens will make me think that there is a chance and then I will hear that she is so happy with the OM and I will come crashing back down and have to heal all over again. The piece of paper doesn't heal my heart and mind and I get that it doesn't give me closure, but it might let me actually heal and get on with my life. Yes I understand the irony, that is what DBing is supposed to do for me anyway. But this is involuntary false hope. I can detach all I want but when a thought like that enters my head, it is very hard to ignore.
I often felt like that as well. I just know from my close group of friends from this board, the BITS, that the D did not bring them what you think that it will. That hope was still there months after the D was final. That hope was still dashed months after the D was final. It didn't go away with the piece of paper.
I haven't gone through it though.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Emotions change. So on the flipside; when you miss her and feel how strong you want her back, won't the divorce make you hurt even more?
I see were you're going and I probably would feel the same. But I would personally think hard about "am I ready for it?"
Well this hurt is coming one way or another. Why not get it over with while I am used to being down instead of waiting to pick myself up to make sure that I fall even farther. There has never been a question of me wanting her back. She is the one that left me for OM and she is the one that wants the D. I have never wanted it. Honestly, I wouldn't be here if did. You'll notice at the bottom of the page is says "Save Your Marriage" not "Learn to Deal With Your Wife's Bad Decisions". I understand that is not always possible. I am ultimately just venting and looking for someone to show me where the fast forward button is so that wherever I end up, I'm happy and don't have to deal with this BS anymore.
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
I often felt like that as well. I just know from my close group of friends from this board, the BITS, that the D did not bring them what you think that it will. That hope was still there months after the D was final. That hope was still dashed months after the D was final. It didn't go away with the piece of paper.
I haven't gone through it though.
I will take your wise advice and just forget about it all together. I'm just pretty sure I'm being used as either a B option or to pay for her health insurance at this point.
Me - 32 Wife - 31 No kids Married - 3 Together - 6 "I need space" - July 2012 Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012 Separation - September 2012
Emotions change. So on the flipside; when you miss her and feel how strong you want her back, won't the divorce make you hurt even more?
I see were you're going and I probably would feel the same. But I would personally think hard about "am I ready for it?"
Well this hurt is coming one way or another. Why not get it over with while I am used to being down instead of waiting to pick myself up to make sure that I fall even farther. There has never been a question of me wanting her back. She is the one that left me for OM and she is the one that wants the D. I have never wanted it. Honestly, I wouldn't be here if did. You'll notice at the bottom of the page is says "Save Your Marriage" not "Learn to Deal With Your Wife's Bad Decisions". I understand that is not always possible. I am ultimately just venting and looking for someone to show me where the fast forward button is so that wherever I end up, I'm happy and don't have to deal with this BS anymore.
When your coming out of a bad relationship, even going to a average one will make you wonder "what the hell was I thinking?".
If there was a fast forward button I would be pressing it like crazy!!! Alas, there is not. So I take a page from AA and take one day at a time..
So, as a fixer I want everything better now. Ain't gonna happen. And it won't happen for you. Seriously, GAL, invest in IC if you have to, be pleasant polite and upbeat. In my mind two things will happen; you'll either be back together or you won't. But let me say, if you are not, you yourself will be a heck of a lot further down the road to being at peace with yourself than you are today.
Good luck. There is some great advice on this board...take it, post here when you are down. There is not a feeling or even a situation that someone on here hasn't encountered.. Just knowing you have people who understand is worth it's weight in gold.
So next post you are gonna tell us what you did to GAL..:)
Agree fully with Ruby and UF. There is no fast forward button. Work through the process, GAL, detach, etc. You will begin to feel better, stronger, in time. I can tell you for a fact that you will be in a much better place emotionally to deal with D if it comes to that.
Lastly, if you don't want to pay for her health insurance begin to make plans to separate it.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I will take your wise advice and just forget about it all together. I'm just pretty sure I'm being used as either a B option or to pay for her health insurance at this point. [/quote]
You are only plan B if you let yourself be. That is what acting as if and GAL are all about. If you feel like plan B then you are. If you can get to a place where your self worth is not defined by anyone but you, you will be no ones second option.
I know it isn't easy, but that is what we have to do in the same time and space that they are figuring out their issues.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
