Dealing with the reality of separation

[PeteWyo]

Ok so I started a new thread in the Separation forum, but to be honest I am still a newcomer and still need as much support as I can get, so I am going to start a new thread here. You can find my original thread here as well as the short lived thread in the Separation forum:

Still together but trying to save this

Dealing with the reality of separation

So I would appreciate any advice on what to do now that it appears that we are going to remain separated and out of contact until one of us decides to file papers. In my mind this is a stalemate that will only end in one way, and why delay the inevitable. She won't call me, yet she complains to her sister that I won't talk to her. I don't call her because I'm not supposed to. What now?!?!?

[jbnati]

In my mind this is a stalemate that will only end in one way, and why delay the inevitable.

There is certainly no guarantee either way the inevitable is what you are thinking it is. If it's the direction you wish to take, you can choose to start moving the process forward. It's hard to make positive progress when there's a OM in the picture.

You can also choose to use this "stalemate" time wisely and work on becoming the best fuanacdc you can be and be the man only a fool would leave.

[Denver_2010]

Ok so I started a new thread in the Separation forum, but to be honest I am still a newcomer and still need as much support as I can get, so I am going to start a new thread here. You can find my original thread here as well as the short lived thread in the Separation forum:

Still together but trying to save this

Dealing with the reality of separation

So I would appreciate any advice on what to do now that it appears that we are going to remain separated and out of contact until one of us decides to file papers. In my mind this is a stalemate that will only end in one way, and why delay the inevitable. She won't call me, yet she complains to her sister that I won't talk to her. I don't call her because I'm not supposed to. What now?!?!?

Agree with JB. Use the time wisely. That's what. I would substitute the word 'hard' as used in the first paragraph of JB's post, with the word 'impossible'.

You need to learn patience. You've just started this process. I was in a stalemate for 18 months... many of us here are in it for that long or longer.

With that said, if you are done... be DONE.

[PeteWyo]

It's hard to make positive progress when there's a OM in the picture.

I would substitute the word 'hard' as used in the first paragraph of JB's post, with the word 'impossible'.

You need to learn patience. You've just started this process. I was in a stalemate for 18 months... many of us here are in it for that long or longer.

With that said, if you are done... be DONE.

This is where I keep getting hung up I guess. I would have all the patience in the world for her if I knew there was any chance that the OM was going to be out of the picture at any point in the near future. But as far as I know, she is living in his house, paying for his mortgage and bills. That relationship will not last, I know that wholeheartedly and everyone that knows my W and DB (Read OM) agrees with that. But it may take years to blow up and I can't wait that long. I refuse to be the B option for that long. I have my issues that I am going to continue to work on, I think everyone has something that they wish they could change or improve about themselves. But I am done beating myself up. I am a good person and a good husband. I treated my W like an angel and took better care of her than I probably should have. Someone else out there deserves that treatment and will appreciate me for me.

[PeteWyo]

Denver, I know that you had an OM in the picture. How long was your W with him before she decided to give it another shot? (if you don't mind me asking)

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I know that you had an OM in the picture. How long was your W with him before she decided to give it another shot? (if you don't mind me asking)

I don't mind. But it is kind of a hazy answer. For the first 2 months, give or take, after my W left, she was dating OM. After that, it was back and forth between dating him and trying to work things out with me. The one thing that I never quite 'got' though was that as long as he was on her brain, she and I had no chance to reconcile. As my W told me many times, she doubted that we could fix things, she feared that things would go back to the way that they were before she left, and OM represented an 'escape' and a 'chance for happiness' without me.

In my sitch, I truly believe that OM was plan B. But as long as she had plan B, she could never fully commit her head, but more importantly, her heart, to plan A... to me.

I completely understand that you can't wait forever. I encourage you to detach and let her go. That does not meant that you have to file for a D though. I guess that I just don't see a rush to do that. Go live your life for now. Let the future unfold in its own time.

Like I asked you before, what else are you going to do?

[PeteWyo]

As my W told me many times, she doubted that we could fix things, she feared that things would go back to the way that they were before she left, and OM represented an 'escape' and a 'chance for happiness' without me.

She said something like this to me early on. But we are much further down the rabbit hole at this point.

In my sitch, I truly believe that OM was plan B. But as long as she had plan B, she could never fully commit her head, but more importantly, her heart, to plan A... to me.

I can't know for sure that he is plan A. But it sure feels like if she had ANY interest in a R with me that she would be doing something other than asking me when she will have her things. The stranger thing to me is that she tells her sister that I won't talk to her. There is some sort of wheel turning there, but my guess is that it is more guilt than anything.

I completely understand that you can't wait forever. I encourage you to detach and let her go. That does not meant that you have to file for a D though. I guess that I just don't see a rush to do that. Go live your life for now. Let the future unfold in its own time.

Like I asked you before, what else are you going to do?

Sulk. But at least I will have my closure. Maybe another 180 I need to work on is patience.

[Grateful]

Patience is tough for me right now as well. I know exactly what you are going through. If you find the secret to patience, please let me know. I wish you well.

[Denver_2010]

As my W told me many times, she doubted that we could fix things, she feared that things would go back to the way that they were before she left, and OM represented an 'escape' and a 'chance for happiness' without me.

She said something like this to me early on. But we are much further down the rabbit hole at this point.

In my sitch, I truly believe that OM was plan B. But as long as she had plan B, she could never fully commit her head, but more importantly, her heart, to plan A... to me.

I can't know for sure that he is plan A. But it sure feels like if she had ANY interest in a R with me that she would be doing something other than asking me when she will have her things. The stranger thing to me is that she tells her sister that I won't talk to her. There is some sort of wheel turning there, but my guess is that it is more guilt than anything.

I completely understand that you can't wait forever. I encourage you to detach and let her go. That does not meant that you have to file for a D though. I guess that I just don't see a rush to do that. Go live your life for now. Let the future unfold in its own time.

Like I asked you before, what else are you going to do?

Sulk. But at least I will have my closure. Maybe another 180 I need to work on is patience.

I've heard this from a few different DB'ers that I began here with ... divorce will not bring you closure. Only when your heart and mind have healed will you have closure. That doesn't happen with a piece of paper.

[PeteWyo]

I've heard this from a few different DB'ers that I began here with ... divorce will not bring you closure. Only when your heart and mind have healed will you have closure. That doesn't happen with a piece of paper.

I guess my rationale is that if I am not divorced, there will always be this lingering feeling that something miraculous will happen and my wife will come back to me. That there will be just enough false hope in the back of my mind to make me fall hard every once in a while when I realize that she isn't coming back. My heart and mind will heal and then some little thing that happens will make me think that there is a chance and then I will hear that she is so happy with the OM and I will come crashing back down and have to heal all over again. The piece of paper doesn't heal my heart and mind and I get that it doesn't give me closure, but it might let me actually heal and get on with my life. Yes I understand the irony, that is what DBing is supposed to do for me anyway. But this is involuntary false hope. I can detach all I want but when a thought like that enters my head, it is very hard to ignore.