Starsky, thank you! His staying out all night and sleeping at her place drives me insane and makes me feel horrible about myself and horrible for my daughter. I will use what I stated above, but a bit stronger. I like your "don't bother coming home." I would hope my H will react the way your W did, but I also don't want to have a confrontation. Ugh... I am often torn between wanting to save my marriage and walking away, but I know I am the only one to make that decision.
I would hope my H will react the way your W did, but I also don't want to have a confrontation. Ugh...
Here's one of the best pieces of DB advice I can offer you:
Stop thinking in terms of "If I do 'X', how will my husband react? Will he be angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
Intead, replace it with: "What is the RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?" And then let your husband's reaction to it be whatever it's going to be, realizing you'll be just fine.
It takes a little practice, but it's VERY liberating if you're a classic co-dependent "pleaser" like I am.
I am often torn between wanting to save my marriage and walking away, but I know I am the only one to make that decision.
From my personal archives:
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
Happy to Be Me, I completely understand all the feelings you are having right now. I was having them myself not long ago.
You hit something on the head that was an issue for me, too: thinking about his reaction to setting boundaries. He will, no doubt, react and you have to be prepared for it. But it still needs to be done. For me, it took realizing I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by setting boundaries. A lot of it has to do with how you say things. Try to do it with an open heart but not emotional. He will see and feel that you are being genuine. He may try and put you on the defensive, but you don't need to defend your boundaries. They are there for you not him.
Ok, what a disaster last night was. I attempted to set a boundary and it blew up. I allowed my emotions to get a hold of me and the conversation ended up being an argument. I didn't even get to state what my boundary was as far as the OW is concerned, in fact he denied he is even seeing someone, which has me doubt things. His excuse is that he's "driving around" when he doesn't come home and since he used to do that in the past, he asked why is it an issue now. He did used to drive at night, scouting, he's a hunter and would call me many times when on the road, but now when he stays out all night, sometimes taking a gym bag with him, I doubt he's driving his car.
I wanted to talk about two topics, first was money. Probably a bad topic, but he hasn't been giving me any money for bills, mortgage, etc. He told me he wasn't paying for anyting until he paid the retainer for his attorney. I said I expected him to be responsible for bills and our daughter and he said he would eventually give me something. He's not making very much at this point. Putting the OW aside, I don't get how he thinks this is going to work for him, no money, bad credit, etc. How is he going to move out?
The conversation/argument ended and we both said hurtful things. The worst part, my daughter woke up and heard us. We weren't yelling, but loud enough to wake her. I hate myself for that. While going to sleep I decided to apologize to him in the am. Right, wrong, I don't know, but I told him that I was sorry for how the conversation went and apoligized for the hurtful things I said and asked that "we do this amicably, so we don't hurt eachother and more importantly we don't hurt our daughter, because I can't stand that." I felt better that I apologized. He didn't apologize, but I wasn't surprised.
I feel like I am back at square one. Did I completely ruin anything that may have been working in my favor or am I just fooling myself? I know, don't believe anything he says and half of what he does, but I feel lost today.
Did I completely ruin anything that may have been working in my favor?
I don't think so. because...
Originally Posted By: HappytobeMe
I know, don't believe anything he says and half of what he does
exactly. their first response is always "deny, deny, deny". even if you caught them in bed together he would tell you it's an optical illusion...
Originally Posted By: HappytobeMe
but I feel lost today.
don't feel lost. continue to read DR, and continue to GAL, and come here to get encouragement from your *friends*. whichever way things work out - it will all be for the best. you will get through this, and make a better life for you and your daughter - whether with him or without him.
Get your financial situation in order even if it means having a court determine and communicate his obligations. The fact that he is not contributing to the care, feeding and hoousing of his daughter is complete and utter spineless BS. Protect yourself financially as no matter what the outcome it will be a long and bumpy ride.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Thanks everyone. I feel like I have done too much thinking today. We had a great Thanksgiving at my brother's yesterday. No, my family does not know what is going on with my marriage. I started the day out livid though. My H went out after work on Wed. and didn't come home until 11 am yesterday morning. I feel that because he thinks I want a divorce, because I told him I would file after the holidays (see my first post of this thread), that it is almost giving him permission to see the OW, even though in the last conversation (posted above) he denied he had a "girlfriend." Since the last conversation, we have been getting along great. In fact, aside form a couple of tense conversations, we have been getting along since this whole thing blew up and before. I don't pressure, I am being great with him, happy, etc. However, part of what we do is sometimes ignore the issue and not talk about the elephant in the room, but the couple of times I have brought up the OW, it ends up being an argument and I get it. He will deny, deny, deny.
I think I know the answer, but do I tell him I don't want a divorce or do I just keep reading DR, keep on with GAL, being the best person when I am with him and wait for the affair to die a natural death?
I should also add I have no idea where he stands, meaning if he wants a divorce or not. He said he did in October, but I don't know now. He doesn't pull away and often reaches out to me during the day, mostly texting, sending me pictures of our daughter, with him in them sometimes.
