Thanks AJ, knowledge isn't always good. There is definitely parallels in people's lives, which I suspect is the appeal of a site like this.
I'm not sure the WAS side of things is any better or worse than the LBS side of things. It's just two people hurting badly in the relationship at different times, in different ways, and at different degrees. And... occurring in a million different relationships at one time.
So I thought I would just journal some.
H has been aces this week. Really. I'm saying this not only because it's relevant to my thoughts, but to prove that I don't just look for the negatives in his actions, like some people might think I do. He has done a lot this week, focusing on my past complaints.
So, my first thought is, "That's great, but how long is this going to last?" In the past, he's only adjusted his behavior for a very short time. So I admit I'm responding less than enthusiastically. I've been duped too many times before. My concern is that it's going to take me a long time to believe it, and I don't know that H has the commitment to stick to it without getting what he wants in return sooner than I'm willing to give it.
At the same time as he's stepping up, taking responsibility for household tasks and going to counseling, there are still some giant red flags. I asked him last night if he was pleased with the implementation the previous night of the format of terminating a conversation. We agreed that when we start a convo, I would set a short time frame mentally, note the cutoff time, and when the time was up, politely terminate and walk away. This meets his need of keeping the convo short and getting to bed early, and meets my need of not feeling offended when he just walks off, which is his M.O. Also, it keeps me relatively uninvested in the convo, focusing on the time instead, which is a good thing because it keeps me from digging in my heels and hurricaning. Win-win!
Well his answer to my question was long in coming. He paused for a few minutes and I knew he wanted to say no, because I suspect he found his mirrored behavior equally offensive. But at the same time, he liked the short duration of the convo and getting on with his night. I believe he was trying to figure out how to switch it up so that it was a win-win -- for him. (Remember, he doesn't understand that a win-win involves two people each winning, but rather that he wins really BIG.)
I asked if there was a problem, and he asked why we can't just agree on everything. So I "reflective listened" and asked him if he was wanting to know why we can't just think alike on everything. He laughed as he recognized how ridiculous that sounds. But at the same time, this has been a recurring theme with him. He doesn't seem to grasp the reality that two people are going to be different and that compromise is necessary.
We had also discussed earlier in the week the lack of honesty in the relationship. I proposed that we simply take honesty off the table, so that neither one of us is expecting it and therefore neither one of us will be disappointed. He seemed really put out by that idea, even though he's the one that has been deceitful throughout our M. I said that I'm just trying to create a level playing field. As he was considering whether or not he would agree, he asked if that would mean he would start getting sex. So I pointed out that before he would even agree to something that would equalize the relationship, he tried to negotiate something that would give him an advantage, that he seems only interested in a R where he's coming out ahead. On the positive note, this did seem to resonate with him, perhaps because he's spent some time considering his narcissism.
And of course the comment that I have no credibility because of my mother's behavior, for which I'm not responsible.
So there is effort being made, but still some giant hurdles that I'm not sure we can get over. When I factor in the me side of things, it gets even more complicated, but that's another post....
He has done a lot this week, focusing on my past complaints.
