It seems like our conversations always go back to if she stayed she would be unhappy for the rest of her life. I know there is some message I am missing. Just having the hardest time figuring it out.
I am not angry, nor bitter, there is no more anxiety, just periods of frustration.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I called her today because I would like to start taking the kids to church. Going to church is about the biggest 180 I can do for myself.
Going to church was not ever a issue during our marriage, but when I told her about what I would like to do, she said in a sarcastic tone "it's nice you finally decided to go to church."
Is your W a believer? I'm guessing she either isn't or is a fair weather believer. If so, then this could do more harm than good as far as the M goes, because she may see it as controlling. You might consider just going by yourself for a while and then ease the kids into it later.
Quote:
So tonight w expressed some of her frustratations to me and I don't think I did a very good job of validating. I am not sure what to say when she tells me that she is unhappy and that if she stayed it would just continue and the kids would start to see it. Which in turn would have a negative impact on them.
Validating is not about agreeing or disagreeing, just acknowledging. "I can tell you're unhappy, I'm sorry you feel that way." "Are you frustrated? It sounds like you are. I can understand why you feel that way." Things like that. Don't argue, try to fix, explain, etc. Just validate.
Quote:
Thinking about telling her that I am sorry that I have caused her so much unhappiness, but I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I assume you've already owned up to your part in this, if so there's no reason to keep going there.
Quote:
That I only want to talk about what I can do now to help make her happy.
That would be trying to fix her. You can't, only she can do that. And don't offer to try and fix her. Again, just validate her emotions.
Quote:
She has expressed that I never appreciated her anf still don't as a SAHM. How do I show her that I do without being a suck up?
Ask her how that makes her feel. Angry? Disappointed? "Yes, I can see why that makes you feel angry, I'm sorry I made you feel that way." Validate!
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
It seems like our conversations always go back to if she stayed she would be unhappy for the rest of her life. I know there is some message I am missing. Just having the hardest time figuring it out.
No message. She just thinks she's done. Give her time and space to sort her thoughts and emotions, that's all you can do.
As far as church goes, when I told her I was thinking about taking the kids, she told me lately she had been thinking about the same thing. So I don't think it will do any harm.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
As far as church goes, when I told her I was thinking about taking the kids, she told me lately she had been thinking about the same thing. So I don't think it will do any harm.
Go for it then. I was responding to your comment that she made a sarcastic remark when you mentioned it to her. That didn't make it sound like she was receptive to it.
Not much new going on. Terms of D are agreed upon, yet she has not filed. Considering how gung ho she was about it I am surprised that she did not submit it right away.
My daughter had a school program last night and I made a comment about the skirt she was wearing. I had always wanted her to wear skirts more often. She replied that she was always trying to get me to go to church. It is not the way I remember it, but it is moot now. Although she did say that she is glad that I am going to start going. I told her she is more than welcome to come with me and the kids and she said not this week, but she probably will join us. So I think that is a good thing, if nothing else we may have some quality family time.
Maybe some of the messages will resonate with her. No expectations though.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I really stink at this sometimes. My dad came over today to help with a project I have going at home. Turned out that my mom came with to help with the kids while I was working, and my BIL came to help as well. Both my mom and BIL are pretty upset with my w. So when w dropped the kids off they were extremely cold towards her. After she left she called to express her disappointment and to ask if I would warn her next time so she wouldn't have to see them.
In non DB fashion I basically said, good idea why don't you just avoid them like everything else. Meaning our m crisis. I know I should have validated, but there is a part of me that just doesn't care. I know we are not supposed to ask our family for help, I did however ask them to at least be cordial. The way I see it I woud rather my w see the least amount of hurdles if she does decide that she wants to make it work.
Wondering if tomorrow when I drop the kids off with her if it would be appropriate to say something like, "I am sorry you had to go through that yesterday, I know that couldn't have been easy."
I know I said that part of me doesn't care, the other part is a lot stronger in its convictions and that is the part that just checked on his children. I couldn't help but think how nice it would be to look in on them when they are sleeping with my w again.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Just arrived at a restaurant to meet a old friend and watched two people, who thought they had some privacy, start making out. Happy to say it didn't affect me. A couple of weeks ago it would have made me long to be with my wife. The detachment part has been made easier by the coldness that I seem to be receiving lately.
The coldness actually feels like progress. Maybe things are starting to come to a head for her. Maybe not though, who knows. Either way I am feeling good.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Had a good day today. Went to church for the first time in a long time, and my w actually came with us. She also talked about the plans for going next Sunday as well. I did get a call from her this afternoon regarding the terms of the D though. Maybe spending a hour at church with me was too much. Had to go back to the castle.
It is okay though, I have accepted my sitch in its current state. The pastor gave a interesting sermon about "the space between." Basically he stated that when you have a decision to make, but you are unsure, you are in "the space between." It is more important to make the decision and not live in fear of the potential consequences of the the unknown outcome of said decision. He also talked about when Jesus promised his disciples reward for standing by him. But he didn't say when the rewards would come. There is the patience part of life again. Our rewards for doing what we do might be our spouses, or it might just be the realization that happiness is a choice, and the reward of changing ourselves into better people.
I found it very interesting how much of our journeys related to the sermon. I am admittedly not a person of strong faith. Hopefully I will continue to find more strength in the coming weeks. Strength in all aspects of my life.
I have noticed that lately my w has been pretty cold to me in person, but on the phone she seems like the person I used to know. Anyone else experience this?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I know I shouldn't be writing notes to my wife so I have to do it here. I picked up the kids today and had one of those moments. I actually spent a little extra time, at her place, than normal as my s had a lemonade stand inside. We chatted for a bit, nothing deep but a little more than kid stuff.
Woud like to write her this: W, after leaving I had a moment of longing for our family. I miss you, and I miss our family. My only consolation is hoping that you are finding the happiness that you are looking for.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
