13 months is a long time, heck, 1 month is...don't beat yourself up. I only now know that W's mlc probably started in 2008...I figured out it was mlc about 13 months ago with her dive into phase 2 BD...I did have a pre-game warm-up in 2009 where I did learn a lot, so this second time around I got up to speed and open to new ideas, ways of looking at things, etc faster because of phase 1.
One thing I can verify, if you interrupt the process of mlc, before they are done within, it just comes back again harder and more furiously, my W's sure did....do not interrupt the process.
Quote:
maybe I shoulda said let's get workin on our own !! -- cuz I think that's why she told me - but I am so unsure these days I am afraid to say anything --
Just my opinion, but, umm, now is not the time to be making babies...even if it would seem to pull her back in...see what I wrote above regarding the process. Right now, from my experience, the LESS you say and do, the better. She has to learn things herself, like having a raging fiancee of neighbor man going off on her, for example...YOU cannot teach her any lessons right now...she is going to have to learn everything the hard way.
Get out of her way. Get out of your own way.
If you cannot wait, that is okay, it is your choice. Believe me, I have been at the point of quitting many times, I get it, and will never judge someone who needs to move on...that is why the vets here say that, in the end, the LBS does have the power...to stay, go, accept the WAS back, or not, etc.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
13 months is a long time, heck, 1 month is...don't beat yourself up. I only now know that W's mlc probably started in 2008...I figured out it was mlc about 13 months ago with her dive into phase 2 BD...I did have a pre-game warm-up in 2009 where I did learn a lot, so this second time around I got up to speed and open to new ideas, ways of looking at things, etc faster because of phase 1.
One thing I can verify, if you interrupt the process of mlc, before they are done within, it just comes back again harder and more furiously, my W's sure did....do not interrupt the process.
Quote:
maybe I shoulda said let's get workin on our own !! -- cuz I think that's why she told me - but I am so unsure these days I am afraid to say anything --
Just my opinion, but, umm, now is not the time to be making babies...even if it would seem to pull her back in...see what I wrote above regarding the process. Right now, from my experience, the LESS you say and do, the better. She has to learn things herself, like having a raging fiancee of neighbor man going off on her, for example...YOU cannot teach her any lessons right now...she is going to have to learn everything the hard way.
Get out of her way. Get out of your own way.
If you cannot wait, that is okay, it is your choice. Believe me, I have been at the point of quitting many times, I get it, and will never judge someone who needs to move on...that is why the vets here say that, in the end, the LBS does have the power...to stay, go, accept the WAS back, or not, etc.
I think the timeline for my wifes MLC is 9/2010 denial - March 2010 anger - replay I am not sure of really experts say it's when you get the ILYBIANILWY speech which happened in 10/11 but the next day she cried her eyes out and the next 6 weeks we were like newlyweds - I can see where you are saying that if they come out to soon it can backfire - during this time she was buying me presents, waiting in bed for me all the time, being loving and caring around 11/24/2011 she started to get depressed again - I would think replay stated 1/18/2012 with the behavior getting awful after she asked for a seperation on 3/31/2012 so I think she has been in replay started between 1/18/2012 and 3/31/2012 - the last time we made love was 1/29/2012 and I only remember that because I took her out to the city for a special night but the sex was awful I was scared to do anything and I was very stiff - anywho.
I think Get out of her way. Get out of your own way. should be a DB montra !!
I am gonna be 50 next year and as I said I want more kids - that is gonna weigh heavy on my decision. But as for now I am standing.
Thanks T2
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Sunny, Do not send the messages to the guy's fiance. If he is doing things behind her back, she will catch on quite quickly. As for your w, she may have been doing all of this flirting to see what your reaction would be or just to get you some gas. They love to jerk our chains and enjoy watching us twist and turn in the wind. Don't give her that pleasure. The less you react to her behavior, the better. They crave attention, whether it is positive or negative...they don't care.
What I would suggest is that if you still have the messages, print them off or store them in a safe place.
I just wanted to let you know that my DB phone coach thinks I should print out copies of the text and give it to his fiance - she really gives much different advice then here a lot.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I would hold off for a bit on providing copies to his fiance. You need to observe the situation a bit longer and see if it was actually just the couple of times or if it continues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would hold off for a bit on providing copies to his fiance. You need to observe the situation a bit longer and see if it was actually just the couple of times or if it continues.
I will do that the man next door has not been home I guess he must do some sort of shift work was like almost blizzard conditions here yesterday last night the storm passed quickly though thank God !!
I have really got to find a way to get rid of this INSANE ANGER it colors everything I do I cant stand to be around her now I want to say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. And I finding it newly hard to be happy upbeat and positive with this happening I am so darn pissed !! I am really losing ground in my DBing again due to how angry I am at her.
I picked my son up at school yesterday due to the weather my wife got home and I forgot to do his homework she is like you gotta be kidding me I said how come I am not allowed to make mistakes anymore ??? I am human and I am gonna make mistakes bad I know but like I said I am so pissed off.
I have a really bad sore throat I was planning on sleeping in this morning but it snowed last night and my wife asked me to shovel a path I was so agitated I said I wanted to stay in bed but got up and did it anyway grumbling I know bad but like I said I am furious !! So I shovel the walk, driveway clear off the cars, I put a BIG pile of snow on her drivers seat that should melt nicely I know childish but let he sit in that the next time she goes for a ride with Mr next door !!! I have my therapy today I know I am gonna get reemed for snooping she might stop seeing me but what can I do.
My wifes new job is gonna be from home they are sending her a computer, monitor, printer and phone. She asked me if she can order a new desk I say sure. She had told me that I should get a new recliner a few weeks ago so I told her I want to get a double recliner she said I dont want to get new furniture but we only have a couch we used to have a love seat but it broke so the LR looks empty so she says were not going to be living together and you can take the recliner when you leave that was it for me I said fine went upstairs to meditate, showered and left for work I cant believe how bad things are getting again I am so hurt pissed and angry !!! FML !!!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Hang in there Sunny. Consult your PLAN, not your EMOTIONS.
I'd say you need to find a constructive way to vent that anger. Posting here is good, letting loose on a punching/kicking bag until you can't go any more is better.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
If you're coming down with something, then that will probably color your feelings, emotions, rational mind and self-control, so try to put off any "big" decisions until you feel better.
Yes, you are angry, you do need to feel it and express it, but do that safely/privately...meaning here in the forum, at IC, at the gym, anywhere but at W or S.
Okay, here comes the tough love man...why the hell are you letting HER actions and choices CONTROL YOU and YOUR behavior like you are? You are letting her toss hives of bees in your bonnet. I have been there, it is horrible, and the only way out is through YOU changing YOURSELF, accepting this messed up reality, as it is, and getting hold yourself and your reactions. You cannot control her, all "shoulds" of your former worldview and M are gone, zilch, N/A. The more you react the way you are, the more she is going to feel justified in continuing her crap and wanting to leave the marriage. Is that your goal?
Help me out here, who are your male role models? What would they do?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sometimes it's best to just not to be around them, especially if you are feeling angry and irritated already.
When my H would be on a text fest, looking at him would just make my blood boil. Especially if he would get these smirky looks on his face that gave me the impression he was flirting.
So... I began choosing to not be in the same room as him when he did this. I found that eventually, he would come seek me out for some attention.
Don't let her get to you. She's very immature right now, and will try to get to you. Attention seeking behaviors decrease/stop when they don't get attention.
The more mad you get, the more she's gonna pull sh!t.
Instead, think how much it would throw her off if you were not miserable and p!ssy. Be pleasant, but aloof and distracted.
Hang tough!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hey Sunny, If you're coming down with something, then that will probably color your feelings, emotions, rational mind and self-control, so try to put off any "big" decisions until you feel better. Yes, you are angry, you do need to feel it and express it, but do that safely/privately...meaning here in the forum, at IC, at the gym, anywhere but at W or S. Okay, here comes the tough love man...why the hell are you letting HER actions and choices CONTROL YOU and YOUR behavior like you are? You are letting her toss hives of bees in your bonnet. I have been there, it is horrible, and the only way out is through YOU changing YOURSELF, accepting this messed up reality, as it is, and getting hold yourself and your reactions. You cannot control her, all "shoulds" of your former worldview and M are gone, zilch, N/A. The more you react the way you are, the more she is going to feel justified in continuing her crap and wanting to leave the marriage. Is that your goal? Help me out here, who are your male role models? What would they do?
T^2
Sorry T2 I am up to here with this whole sitch - I saw my therapist today and she said I have to wait on the Lord - I have to wait till I am sure what to do and she promised me I would get to the point where I would know for sure - I am trying my best but I am still so angry -- I am going out to stay away from her tonight and then I am going to the gym tomorrow - I guess you are right the marriage I had it OVER - I got to accept it and move ahead - but her messing with the guy next door is so insulting - my son sees this guy too - I am having a bad time with it - it doesn't seem like it but I am trying hard - I mean it.
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
