Where to start? I’m not sure how much background to provide. I’ll just start here, this past summer my H began an affair. I believe it started out as an emotional affair, but has since become physical. He denied it, but I don't believe him. The other person is a 26 year old girl with a 5 year old daughter. My H will be 41 soon. I know that the relationship with her is all about him, his needing the validation and admiration he wasn't getting from me, and that it says more about him than me.
Earlier in the summer I was having “bad feelings,” things not right and felt him pulling away. So in September I hired a PI to do a reverse look-up on a phone number that constantly popped up, all texting, on the phone bill. Before I confronted him, we had a fight about how I invalidate him all the time. This is his usual complaint of me. BTW, I have this same complaint of him and I should point out that I know I do this, but I also believe a lot of it is done in response to how I am treated. He can be mean. In this argument, I felt "set up." He plays mind games and says that I don't even know when I do it. I asked for specifics, but he had none. It was stressful for a few days. One morning he said he wanted to talk. He said, "the conversation the other night, it's over." Basically telling me our marriage was over because he feels that I invalidate him and emasculate him. I confronted him about the girl he is seeing. I think I took the wind out of his sails. He did admit he was "hanging out" with someone. I told him it was over and that I would file after the holidays. I ignored him and we didn't speak for several days, hello and goodbye only. A few days later I did tell him that I didn't want any of this, meaning for our relationship to end, but I don't know where he stands. I think he wants out sometimes, but other times I think he isn't 100% sure.
We still live together, with our 7 year old daughter, but have been sleeping in separate rooms for about a month, my decision. He hasn’t given any indication that he is moving out (I asked him during the argument above if he was moving out) and I don’t think he can, because of money.
I am currently reading Divorce Remedy (haven't read the original DB yet) and other materials. I have been putting in place the 180s and The Last Resort and I feel 100% better than I did earlier in October. However, I am finding it hard to deal with him staying over at her house and having to field questions by my daughter, “where is daddy?”, to which I reply, “I don’t know.” I won’t lie for him, but I won’t drag her into this any further. There are little things as well. He gave me money to get groceries, but my thought is I should tell him to buy his own food. Why should I continue to do things like this? I am confused by the “pull back”, not question where he goes, etc., and feeling like a doormat. It makes me lose faith in wanting my marriage to succeed. I know it is very early on in this process, but I also feel like it’s giving him permission to come and go as he pleases. I do believe he feels guilty on some level and he has been responding to my pulling back and getting my own life, but I also feel stuck. We had a great time with neighbors last night, trick or treating with our kids, but then he left at 10 pm, I assume to go to her house, and never came home.
Any thoughts, advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Yes, thank you. I've known I need to set these boundaries, but am always afraid I will just go off on him. I want to say:
"When you stay over at "her" house house, I feel that it is disrespectful to me and our daughter. She is being affected by it and I won't live in an open marriage. If it continues, alternate living arrangments need to be made."
Protect yourself from him he has taken a trip to another planet. Do not trust him. He is not your husband right now. Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
True trusting and cadet have pretty much sumed it up. The first thing you need to do is to set some boundaries. You need to decided which ones. As Cadet said you need to detach and GAL, continue to read DR and post here on this thread as often as you need to. You will be okay.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Thanks to you all. Cadet, thank you for saying that this time is a "gift." To view it that way gives a whole new perspective to my situation. I have been reconnecting with old friends and making sure I am seeing friends and family often, which is what I like to do. I find the most difficult part is taking my ego out of it all. When I fail to do that is when the anger wells up and I just want to make his life miserable. However, I either walk away or change the movie in my head and calm down. Patience is the key and I know my daughter and I will be okay, regardless of the outcome.
Today I would like to scream. I'm having difficulty with setting boundaries, what should they be, how to state them? I focus too much on thinking about his reaction, when I should let that go. It's hard.
My h walked away 14months ago ,we were married 45 years in May.I found out 2 years ago that he has a now 18 year old daughter from a long going affair.this daughter also found out about the same time that he is her father.We dealt with it and went on with our life until I came home one day to find he had moved out.We all live in a small town so makes it even more difficult. He stops in pretty much every day and gives me a hug and kiss when he leaves. His daughter is living with him. I wish that I still had children at home to look after but I am all alone.I keep very busy with activities and volunteer work which helps but I just want my life back!
I think the one you stated a few posts above was a good one, H2BM.
What are your very short list of "Boundaries of Personal Integrity?" What are the things that go to your core -- who you are -- that, if violated, make you feel horrible and not true to yourself?
In my situation, when my wife was having her affair, my boundaries were:
- no calling (or receiving calls) from OM while inside our marital home;
- no texting OM in front of our boys, regardless of where you are;
- NO LYING TO OUR KIDS, or to your parents -- if you do, I will tell them the truth;
- no leaving the boys home alone unattended -- or without a meal -- for any extended period of time. If you're going to run around and cheat, I can't stop you, but we neec to communicate to make sure our sons' needs were being taken care of;
- no coming home very late (I don't think I ever put an exact time on this, but one night she came home from being with OM at about 2:30am, and I had all the lights out and the house locked up tight and came THIS CLOSE to putting the security system alarm on. I told her "I won't have my own home treated as a hotel while you carry on an affair; if you're going to come home that late, do us both a favor and just stay out all night and don't come home at all." She never did it again).
This is how a friend of mine, on another forum, put the idea of "boundaries": (just change genders as applicable)
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
