An awful lot of similarities between my sitch and yours.
DR is a good start...follow up with The Five Love Languages. It's another eye opener if you haven't thought of things that way before. Codependent No More is really good too, but I'd put that 3rd on the list.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I had all the symptoms of growing up without a dad...
First, just forget all this ancient history of how you guys were brought up. Let me assure you, EVERYONE had issues in childhood. Counseling that spends endless time dredging up old junk like this is just a waste of time. DBing is solutions-based, this means focusing on the future, not the past.
I'm going to disagree slightly with this. For me, it was important for to understand where some of my feelings, ideas and habits came from. There was some healing I had to do there in terms of forgiving my parents and such. Afterwards though, you have to make a conscious decision, without the baggage of your history....who do I want to be? What kind of a H? What kind of a father? There are no excuses to be made....you decide, then you do it. You have bad habits, but you can decide to change them.
As for your W's history, again, it may help you understand her point of view and perhaps be more patient with her, but you can't fix her stuff, so leave that part of it alone.
Do not play the blame game...it just takes you down an old, destructive path. Own your part, and stop. For example, you say "I am sorry I behaved this way. I am insecure and trying to deal with it. I hope you can forgive me. But your behavior is unacceptable."
"But" negates everything you said before that, so you might as well just said the last sentence. So focus on you, what you can do, what you can own, what decisions you can make.
All the other points AS made, I strongly agree with. Again, focus on you right now, be happy and upbeat around your W, GAL, do some things you've always wanted to. If your sitch is as similar as it sounds, nothing will be more helpful to you than appearing confident and happy around your W. It's probably something you haven't done much of throughout the years.
