Hello and welcome to the forums! Wow, you have really been through a lot for only being 41!!! DB'ing is largely based on the assumption that both partners contributed to the marital problems, but that only one is willing to work on saving the M. The tips and techniques are to help that LBS work on themselves to try and draw the WAS back. Your sitch is unusual in that your H seems to be admitting that his reasons for leaving are not you at all, but because of his disappointment in himself. OW is clearly in the mix too, but it's not really clear on whether she influenced his decision to leave or not. I guess the first thing to tackle is this:
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I’m not sure I want him back. Some days I do with all my being and then days I feel like he had a chance 10 years ago, I took him back and he’s doing it all over again… only proof this time of OW.
I can completely understand why you feel that way and based on what you've reported I'd say you've given your marriage an amazing effort over the years. I don't think anyone would blame you for dropping the rope at this point. But it sounds like you're still not sure about this, so take some time for yourself and figure out what you want to do. Your H is still in the "puppy love" stage with OW, once that wears off he may very well try and come back again. There's nothing you can do to speed that up, but you do need to decide if you're willing to consider reconciliation or not. If you are, I would not just fling the door open to him if and when the time comes. You'll need counseling to work through the marital issues, but mostly he needs it to work through his own issues I think.
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I have lost my best friend and that hurts worse than anything else. You all know how it feels to have a WASpouse …
Yes we do! It's very difficult, and the grieving process is unique for each of us. But the good news is through DB'ing you will discover that you're stronger and more resilient then you thought possible, and you will emerge a better person whether H returns or not.
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But in my heart of hearts, I don’t know what I want.
And that's OK! This is a major life-change and it's something you'll want to consider carefully. Take your time!
