The 5 Love Languages book is a good one, although I think it best to proceed with caution when trying to speak her love language right now. Look for times that she is receptive to her LL. I think I made the mistake of going overboard with it right away, and came off as sucking up. Not very attractive.
Thank you, eyesopen. I am reading this now and am only a little way into it at this point. I am hoping her LL is obvious to identify. Also, your point of pacing myself is wisely noted. I appreciate the feedback and advice.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
I would describe the last few days as neutral at best. No fighting or yelling. No outward signs of anger unleashed at me. All to the positive. However, no R talks either which could be good or bad at the moment. Having not been through this before, I am guessing the less R talk brought up by her right now the better considering most of them are just crazy uncorking sessions for her. Happy to listen and validate, but clear she has rewritten history in her head at the moment when we do discuss R.
Continue to GAL and focus on the kids.
Still looking for good clues for 180's and still trying to decipher WAS vs MLC.
Can a W be both?
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Yes. Very. Almost like sitting with a total stranger in the room.
Yeah, in MLC terms they usually call that "going monster". It can happen with WAS's too, but usually it's an indication of MLC.
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I have been reading that board as well but have such a hard time telling the difference between the two. She meets some "criteria" in each case, but nothing is a perfect match.
There are a lot of shades of MLC, all of the criteria aren't always met. Unfortunately there's no way to clinically diagnose MLC, so you can never know for sure. But like I said before, whether it's WAS or MLC your DB'ing approach is pretty much the same. It's just a question of how long it'll take before you might see some positive signs/ baby steps.
So sorry that you're going through this, it's especially difficult with kids as young as yours.
Regarding your original question about 180's, if W has discussed anything in MC then make note of it. After our MC sessions I would go home and write down everything I could remember from the session, then review it to see if there were any new 180's I needed to look at. The notes are great for refreshing your memory for discussions in the next session too.
Beyond that, I second turtlegirl's recommendation of 5 Love Langauges. It's a quick read and will give you a lot of great techniques for showing love to your W without actually saying it to her.
After our MC sessions I would go home and write down everything I could remember from the session, then review it to see if there were any new 180's I needed to look at. The notes are great for refreshing your memory for discussions in the next session too.
Great advice, AS. I appreciate your continued support and guidance. These boards have been a huge help in so many ways. As bad as it sounds, it is comforting to know there are plenty of others wandering the same roads trying to better their R's against all odds.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
So strange. We sit facing each other on separate sofas. She is typing. I am typing. It is so quiet. Like the other half of the room doesn't exist for either of us. She is content with the quiet time and I am working on me by reading posts here. This has become a strange relationship. We might as well be 5,000 miles apart.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Even more strange, as the evening progressed she finally looks up and starts chatting about odds and ends (no R and not kids related). We talked for about 30 mins. She stops at one point and then goes back to reading. Started and ended out of no where and was like nothing ever changed from long ago. I mostly listened, cracked a joke or two and when she stopped I went back to reading as well.
I am living with at least two different people right now.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
I would describe the last few days as neutral at best. No fighting or yelling. No outward signs of anger unleashed at me. All to the positive.
That's a good sign, after the monster outbursts, "neutral" is progress!
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However, no R talks either which could be good or bad at the moment. Having not been through this before, I am guessing the less R talk brought up by her right now the better considering most of them are just crazy uncorking sessions for her.
Absolutely, no R talks is great!! You most definitely don't want to EVER bring up R talks yourself, and if she brings it up just try to be a great listener and validate her emotions. Don't try to fix things, direct the conversation or add your own thoughts. Just listen and validate. If you do that it should diffuse the tension and make her more comfortable talking about her emotions.
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Happy to listen and validate, but clear she has rewritten history in her head at the moment when we do discuss R.
Totally normal. Just remember this DB tip:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
The rewritten history hurts to hear, but just act "as if" everything is fine and remember she's just spouting BS.
The rewritten history hurts to hear, but just act "as if" everything is fine and remember she's just spouting BS.
Thanks, AS. I appreciate the advice. I am seeing results (not movement, but changes in the conversation when you apply DB to the fullest and I am a believer. It even helps get me through what are personal attacks. Michele's book and this process really puts me on a better path. So does your consistent advice and guidance. I appreciate it.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Uuugghhh. Had to cancel our weekly MC session tomorrow due to a conflict. We are not on again until next Friday. I hate long stretches like these because I am hoping that I can use these sessions to learn more as my W is slowly starting to open up in these. Any other R talks are still more venting sessions for her which is fine, but the venting hasnt even been helpful in the sense that she vents the anger but doesnt offer clues to more helpful 180s.
At least between GAL and the kids, I can help click by the days a little faster...I hope!
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Great example of a mini roller coaster yesterday. Out of the blue my W calls me to tell me a funny story about our daughter. We had a good laugh and hung up. It has been months that she has initiated any calls other than business related to the kids or the house. I didnt read too much into it...
Which was smart because several hours later she calls to ask when I would be home for work, hoping I could be done early. I asked why (as I would have to cancel several meetings but didnt say that). Release the Krakkon!
Wow. I spoke to two wildly different spouses today in a matter of 3 hours.
Luckily these were both small items and I didnt react to either.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
