The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

And here comes the anger.
Today was pretty crappy. I had to work and I have already had the manager yelling at me twice because I should be able to smile, no matter what is happening in my life. I didn't feel like smiling today. It was so hard.

In a way it feels like loosing him all over again. I still felt that he loved me, I still felt that we could try again. No I don't, I do feel he still loves me but that's not enough anymore. That's not how you treat someone you love.

H would really have to jump through hoops for us to try again now. I cant see him doing that. He broke us,,.. And our children.

I took S 8 to oz tag today and afterwards there was a father chasing his son around. S would usually watch things like that while laughing. Today he was watching with a sad look on his face, slowly walking while looking back.
He seen me watching him and "Said his Dads chasing him because he didn't want to put his shirt back on" his eyes were so sad. It breaks my heart.

I have to work again tomorrow too. It's harder to smile and be happy, when someone is trying to force it on you.

H sent me a text saying "Hi" today. I didn't respond, the kids called him earlier and S8 put me on, H says he was still at work and he will call me later. I have to figure out what I am going to say to him.

He wants to come to a carnival on the weekend with us. He was thinking in staying the night on Sunday and helping me sort out stuff on Monday.
I don't want him to come or to stay anymore.

It may not be good DBing but I'm just not seeing any other option. I'm actually confused about that part of DBing. Telling them you will be friendly but not friends.

I'm still going to try to stay to the DBing style, To be a better person myself.
I'm so hurt and the anger, that I didn't feel now comes in waves.
Honestly, I think a big reason why this is so hard for me is because I have never met my father. Yes my kids still have their Dad in there lives but it's not the same.
I never wanted this for my kids. I know nobody does but that was a big fear of mine.

I'm scared of feeling like this for possibly years. I'm scared of the effect it will have on my children. I'm scared of what the fucture might hold. I'm scared if H taking my kids camping or away for holidays by himself, he has never had that responsibility before. Maybe during the day but not overnight, Not for days in end.
I don't know how to deal with these fears.

We got caught in a huge storm on the way back from oz tag, both of my back windows leak in my car I just brought a few months ago. I haven't got the money to fix them. Im really struggling financially. Child support us worked out a lot differently here. All H has to give me is $100.00 a week. I have to look for a full time job now. I feel like I will be missing out on even more of my children's lives at a time where they need me the most.

I'm still so so lost. Not as confused but very lost.