Total Eclipse by Dan Band

[2chiquitos]

I had another meltdown, d@mnit!

I went into my old text from back in Aug where I swore H was sending OW a text and not me. It said, "honey" Does anyone remember? back in Aug.

Anyway, it brought back feelings. At first I was furious and wanted to tell him to tell me the truth. He had said it was meant for me, but I have many reasons not to believe him.

Thank God, I saw it before going to Al Anon last night. I heard, "don't create a crisis" and it stuck in my head (for 24hrs). Today I went to another mtg and I shared. Wow, what a share. I amazed myself at my growth in this process.

The topic was honesty. I said, I need to be honest with myself. I'm not angry about the text. I don't want him to tell me it wasn't meant for me. The truth is I'm hurt and in pain. I feel ignored, not important and unlovable. That's the truth. Now where do I go from there?

So tonite H n I were talking about S4s surgery day plans.
H: I kinda wish we hadn't postponed the date so many times. We would've been done with this by now.
Me: It would've been harder for me since we weren't talking back then and I didn't have your support.

I honestly don't remember his response cuz I'm terrible at remembering dialogue, but...
In my mind, he ignored what I said and continued to talk about the surgery day.

The feelings of that text came back and were added to the feelings of being ignored in this conversation. My tone of voice was very ummm polite and distant. "ok well thank you for that. I appreciate it." He caught on. "did I say something wrong? If I did, I'm sorry"

That's when it came...the vomit. You know, when you just start saying all this stuff that was so eloquently put in your head but it comes out as vomit. Just a big mess!

Me: I feel unlovable, ignored and not important. I came across that text and i don't want you to prove it was for me. That's not important. It's how hurt I am.

Although it was ugly vomit, there was a plus to all this.
*** I wasn't angry. I seriously wasn't angry. My tone was more hurt than anything.

Oh, sure he got defensive for a bit, but I reminded him. "I'm not mad, I feel this way but I don't believe it. I would really like for you to help me recover from this. If I do it alone it will take longer. I just don't know what to ask of you for support."

His tone was softer and he said he was frustrated because he didn't know what he had done wrong this time.

Long story short, I said I know I surprise you with these R talks and don't expect you to respond right away. We should talk about them later when you're ready.

He said, we'll talk this weekend.

I've realized that I have a hard time STFU!!! I woke up with a neck spasm this morning for that same reason! I thought the back to back Al Anon mtgs would help.