MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

Journaling:
Not that I want it to happen, but I really believe I would be better all around if H just made a clean break and I didn't see him or talk to him.

He's nice, funny at times, polite (almost too much) even tenderly touching, but I know he has not made a recommitment. I know there is nothing behind any of that except maybe that he's calmer, more matter of fact in his speech, he's more sure of what he want's, just can seem to find a way to execute it yet.

So how does that happen? He moves out, still gets old, still eventually retires, has chucked the life we made together, and probably alienated our kids and their life happenings, and lives as an old man, alone.

I will never understand, but I am so ready to not give a sh!t! I'm so ready to shake all of this off and find a better life for myself.

[albamarie]

Not that I want it to happen
It's all fear! Even Jealousness (CRAZY) that he will be that H I knew and it won't be for me anymore, even though I didn't do anything to lose him.

I know there has to be someone out there for me that would be better that what I have now, but this is what I have now!

[AlkalineThoughts]

Journaling:
Not that I want it to happen, but I really believe I would be better all around if H just made a clean break and I didn't see him or talk to him.

Examine this Dawn... I'm pretty sure that you DO indeed want this to happen.

And I've got some great news for you! YOU can make this happen!

I feel the earth is shifting beneath your feet right now. You are turning a corner that is HARD to turn... but you're getting there.

You're STARTING to see the value in your OWN life... in your OWN happiness... and in your OWN direction in life.

I sense that you're finally starting to see that, no matter what H BELIEVES his intentions are... you're starting to see that they're malevolent... that somehow, despite his insisting that it's not... that your H is taking you for an F-in RIDE here...

But... you can control where this goes next.

YOU can finally say "ENOUGH is ENOUGH"... tell him to go have his little pity part on his own... meanwhile, you'll be living a life WORTH LIVING instead of this God-Awful limbo he's sentenced you to.

I sense you're starting to see that you're worth more than what you're getting now.

And, (I know this is mind-reading) I think HE's starting to see that too... hence the opening up... the general niceties he's throwing around...

But DON'T TAKE THE BAIT.

Meditate on YOUR inner strength... and the statement you Half-Made above...

Do you want a clean break?

Then MAKE a clean break.

Let him know you're done playing this game.

Something like this:

"H, look. I know you're going through some strange and interesting times in your life. And while I appreciate your honesty about them, I have to tell you this: I'm done. You know that I love you and would do anything to help you through this. But [b]I[/b] know that it's a losing battle for me to be involved. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness or your self-discovery, but I can't allow YOU to stand in the way of my happiness anymore. I need to ask you to leave me out of this from this point forward... I'm asking that you don't drag me down while you figure out your life... I know you're attached to OW, and I can't continue to be okay with that. I need to find my happiness now, and I need to KNOW, in my heart, that I've tried EVERYTHING to help you through this... and this is the last thing I can think of to help... To simply let you go."

Obviously, you'll do a much better job of framing the conversation than I did there (It's been a long, exhausting day for me!) BUT, I think you know you NEED the clean break.

And YOU can take control of this awful situation.

As tough as it will be... You'll be better for it.

[albamarie]

Thanks AT for taking time out from your relaxing this evening to respond to me.

You were hitting home so much that I had to read this in increments. Every sentence or so I had to start rearranging furniture to get myself moving, get my mind around some of truths.

I find myself saying "what would I be doing or how would the family be effected right now, or this weekend, if H was gone. Would there be difference? Yea, sometimes more often than not.

Does any of that matter more than him being here...I'm still weighing that one out. I can't admit to anything yet!

As far as my kids, D18 won't care about his life if he leaves, she will detach and let go (so sad), S21 already has no respect for a man who won't help himself, even for the family, S23 thinks it's ridicules to not reach out for help, and has pity, S25 trys everything he can to make it pleasant here for H, not sure about his finally thoughts.

Granted, it is very helpful that I don't have little ones, but these guys are sure set in there opinions. Not my problem...it will be his cross to carry!

I am starting to look at what I would want for my life in my own direction. I made a mental list of what qualities I want in the people I would chose to be around me. H right now doesn't make the list.

A clean break! I do wish it was that simple, money no object I would have left for the SW by now. FIght or flight is always in the front of my mind, I prefer flight because there is no fight, it's just H going about and yes taking me for a ride.

I know he only stays right now because of the money [I think]..maybe it's uncertainty still about leaving his family, idk. He really has nowhere to go or afford to go, if he's find somewhere than I know he really wants this to have looked so hard.

Limbo is not a fun game with leis and music to dance to while laughing with friends, with a drink in your hand. The reality is I am hurting and I need change.

[albamarie]

Journaling:
SO here's a question I asked a few weeks back. My H has said a few times lately that he is having trouble moving because he doesn't have anywhere to put his tools.

Ok, that may be true but it sounds like a ''life line'' he's using to buy time to truly make a choice. If a man wants to leave he would leave, right?

He says this because originally several weeks ago I said if he leaves he leaves. None of this back home when he's not working to mow lawn, ect. crap.

So here's my question again, do I tell him to go completely, take his stuff, not live here, no dropping by (that's what he thinks as of now).

Or, as Tumbling has suggested, don't put that on him, make our home his light house, let him go do what he needs to, it would be harder for him to come back if I make him take everything.

I should read how that's working for her! It is great advise but I'm afraid to see him "drop" by and the emotional impact of that. To read to much into what he looks like or how he acts.

It's stupid - he's going to have so much down time with the work going away mostly for the winter. He just thinks he'll turn into this productive guy because he looses all motivation living here.

I can't get caught up in his crazy justifications, fantasies, or delusions of grandeur. But, I don't know if I'm actually hurting him by letting him think he has to take everything and disappear.

[albamarie]

Here's how I answered my own question back in Oct.

''It would be harder for him to come back because then it wouldn't be like coming home, but more like coming to "my" house. I don't want him to loose the feeling of security and family here''.

Any new thoughts out there? I'm not sure of my own words!

[albamarie]

Journaling: My H came home this morning spewing how he has to turn away from his good family because the world is unfair (paraphrasing) I didn't want to hear it.

I told him to do what he felt he had to do for himself, but I do't want to hear his plans anymore.

I said don't think he's going about any of this the right way, but after all this time he going to do what he's going to do.

HE said "I will" do what I'm going to do and I wont loss my family, I'm doing this for my family. I looked at him and said I hope one day he will be able to really hear what your saying.

I said I don't want to hear it anymore! You will not talk to me like this anymore!

[AlkalineThoughts]

Great work Dawn... Just a few minor caveats to what you're saying...

You're STARTING to show some strength in your convictions and lay out some boundaries... but be careful about selling yourself short...

No more "I hope one day you'll be able to X" or "I don't think you're doing X right"...

Simply stay strong in your words and actions... Tell him you WON'T tolerate him treating you this way anymore.

Put your foot down and keep it there.

You deserve more... and only you can get what you deserve.

[albamarie]

Thanks AT can you have yourself cloned

I am feeling stronger in my convictions every time I say them. H is starting to see my strength come through again telling me I have all the power if I just stop thinking on the lines of our M, and start doing what's best for me.

I am continuing to add to that mental note of what are my likes apart from my M. Also, thinking about what it is I want for myself, my kids, and our home.

I have so many ideas swimming around in my head that I want for myself. Most important I really want to laugh and be around friends. I really want to meet new people and open my mind to new possibilities.

It feels lighter to speak in this way and not feel so bogged down by h and all his drama just to be sad and disappointed.

I know I am on a roller coaster right now but one day the ups and downs will have to level off.

[albamarie]

Journaling:
QUOTE: the person experiencing the crisis is actually the one that controls the severity of the "acting out"

I guess that would be me...I am going to pull back on this with h. Today h said can he just have his melt down and be pissed off!

QUOTE: acting as a friend will assist you. You have to become an "outsider" in order to do this. Pretend the mlcer is just a buddy that you see every now and then and not your spouse. If you can do this, you will have a better opportunity to have them open up at some point. Don't push the mlcer to talk!

I want to learning how to talk to H as if he's an outsider. I have to keep my mind separate from my heart, cause if the two hear each other then I get very emotional and can't DB the better way!