Piecing - Round 1

[keep_going]

Starsky - thanks for pointing me to pearlhrbr's thread. I will read it tonight.

Bond & Denver - thanks for your opinions. I agree - stats are just that and they don't really matter.

Denver - I would love for you to read my threads, but I write novels and don't want to put you through two years of drama. So I will take you up on your offer and give you as brief a summary as possible here and if you then want to reply, you can do so in my thread in Newcomers.

Pre-bomb, my M had become pretty bad - it was a SSM and we were living parallel paths in a very stressed-out existance. We are both over-achievers and got completely absorbed in the rat-race and took on too many financial responsibilities. I got pregnant 5 times in 4 years resulting in 2 miscarriages and 3 wonderful kids. Neither of our needs were being met - I accumulated a lot of resentment and anger and turned it towards my H and he, as a child of an abusive and alcoholic father was just too adept at avoiding conflict and keeping things in until he exploded and walked away.

He left when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, one week after we closed escrow and moved in to our new home and two days before Xmas in 2010. Two months before leaving he started an EA with a client, and three weeks after he left he joined a dating service. Less than a month into our separation he said he wanted a D ASAP claiming I had been abusive to him for all our marriage and he needed to leave for the sake of our kids. I asked him for some time and to go to counseling. He declined. Only twice since he left has he made comments about having doubts of his decision, only to immediately recant them. So practically speaking, he has not deviated from his position of wanting a D once.

When he left I immediately started counseling and working on myself. Even after I found out about his dating and EA / PA, I acted lovingly and kept an open door policy for him in our house. After some time, his cake-eating became too much and I started establishing boundaries. Since then, our R has been a roller coaster ride from hell. I admit that my angry, reactive nature is still an issue. In addition he intentionally triggers me to get a reaction and justify his behavior and relieve his guilt.

His R with OW is stronger than ever, even though she lives 300 miles away. She has two daughters and has also filed for D. H has told me she is second only to our kids, but a very close second and that she is not going anywhere. The main reason we have fought since he left, has been OW. He has exposed our young kids to his R, which infuriates me as well as my general jealousy of her.

He finally filed for D this September. Per his request, and very hesitantly, I agreed to a collaborative D process which we have not even started. I frankly don't see how it will work, but would love the financial savings. Our financial and custody differences are simply too great.

Finally, our financial situation is a fiasco and has added a lot of stress. We are on the verge of bankruptcy, have had to short-sale one condo, sold the house we bought before he left and are now left with a huge tax debt to the IRS for next year. He has made some questionable decisions that have put us further into debt, but that I have let him do so because I didn't want to rock the boat. In addition, when our S was born and seeing that he was not coming back, I decided to leave my 6-figure income job to stay at home with our three very young kids. I decided that no money was worth leaving them to be raised by a nanny after their father had left them. This is a sore topic between us and has affected our situation greatly. To top it all, he just got laid off on 9/11 and has now taken his severance $ and put it away in a separate account per the advice of his L.

So not really an easy situation, but I have to admit that I have not been able to detach (we see each other almost on a daily basis because of our temp custody arrangement) and I have not been a good DBer at all. I understand what my problems are and what I need to do, yet have not been able to control my emotions and drop the rope. I thought a couple of times I was becoming detached and felt strong. We would then become friendlier - he says he wants to be friends and good co-parents. I once again would get my hopes up with unrealistic expectations just to come crashing down and getting upset all over again.

I think this is as short as I can get it... Thanks again for your interest and if you have any advice for me - I'll be very grateful for it.

Thanks again for being a source of inspiration for me and so many others and keep up the good work!