AJM, I didn't think your posts were hurtful, just confusing. For me. It's probably perfectly clear to others. For example, you use the words "view" and "perspective" as if they have different meanings, but they're the same to me. Also, you use the word "perspective" like I would use the word "position," as in I "changed my position," rather than I "changed my perspective." To me, perspective is what you see from where you stand. You might see more detail the longer you stand there, but you will never see it from another angle. If you change your position, then you can see things from a different angle. I feel like I've always had the same perspective, the same idea of what M is supposed to be. But as I've experienced my H over the years, I've had the opportunity to see the intricate details of the man that I couldn't see initially. I haven't changed my position such that now I'm okay with him lying because now I can see M from a different angle. And I don't really care to change my position as such.
We're both quite familiar with the concept of love languages. My H and I did a study early on in our M, though it was represented as 10 LL's, written by Willard Harley. He knows mine, I know his. His top 3 are recreational companionship, family commitment and sex. My top 2 are honesty/openness and conversation. Knowing them hasn't helped. I made a point to meet his. He didn't make an effort to meet mine. The whole concept was wrapped up in the idea of a love bank and making deposits when you speak your partners love language and making withdrawals when you don't, being overdrawn, etc. Our M is stuffed with books and studies and retreats. It just doesn't have any impact. He would go to a M conference every weekend, and do a new book study together every week if I asked him. Heck, he's even asked me. But what I find is that it pumps me up so that I'm meeting his needs again, but he doesn't do anything different and therefore still isn't meeting mine. So I've lost interest in doing them with him. I feel I've been duped a few too many times.
I'm not getting what I want from H, but I've reconciled myself to the likelihood that I never will. If I see changes in him, I'm open to consider trying again, but I'm not interested anymore in investing myself in a M where I don't get anything in return. At this point, I'm just trying to co-live/co-parent for the sake of S12. I'm trying to keep the conflict to a minimum. Would I want something different? Of course! But that's like saying a want a million dollars or I want to be 24 again. Wanting is a mighty long stretch from having, and sometimes it simply isn't an option. So I'm settling for equitable.
Here's a current example from last night. He wanted to tell me about his counseling session last night. I listened to what he had to say and asked a few questions. The conversation didn't get started until late, so it didn't go on for long before H stopped abruptly and said, "I'm going to bed." This is not unusual for him and I find it quite offensive. So we both went upstairs and spent a few minutes tending to a few issues. Then I said to him that I recognize that it's late and he needs to go to work in the morning, and I'm trying really hard to not "hurricane" as I understand it, but that I find his abrupt ending to the convo offensive. I proposed instead that I would mentally set a short time limit on the convo and that when that time was met, I would politely/abruptly end the convo like he does, so then he would get his needs met of ending the convo in a short time and going to bed, and I wouldn't feel offended. He agreed.
And then I did it 10 minutes later. He talked a bit about the definition of hurricaning, what it looked like in a convo. I listened attentively until he was finished, then politely said, "Well, thank you for your time. Good night." And walked off. It accomplished exactly what it was supposed to and we both went to bed.
I don't believe he was happy with it, even though it's a win-win and he agreed to it.
