I am actually doing okay. Something about "falling back" has caused me to enjoy waking up to sunshine instead of darkness, and I am not minding the earlier bed time, or darkness so to say.
I found myself roaming around Hobby Lobby this weekend- first to look at Christmas trees, and then to purchase 2 Christmas Puzzles and 2 paint by numbers, I am not sure, but I think that gives me an automatic senior citizen discount, but admittedly I am looking forward to perhaps actually having a hobby I am doing for me and solely me. My neighbor has invited me to her women's only bible study, so been considering that.
my marriage-- ehh... umm,still not married, still not divorced... husband seems to be fine in limbo, and I am trying not to be so upset all the time... I have seen my new therapist three times and its been enjoyable, I actually enjoy going and she is really convinced that all of this is extremely related to PTSD... his desire to escape, can't live with himself, feeling trapped- etc... but he is right now refusing to seek help for that, which is of course upmost important over our marriage-- because he is really experiencing some problems..
When my husband first started that lifestyle, he seemed to be enjoying himself, but almost a year later, even as a 28 year old man, he is exhausted-- no longer sees the point or purpose in doing such activities, and admittedly misses our mundane weeknights of housework, house projects and talking over plant watering. My husband told me something today and it reminded me of how people sometimes thing their spouses don't miss them when they are apart living a crazy lifestyle or midlife crisis or dealing with this situation. He told me that he was walking around target the other day and really missed me. He saw a wallet I had, a sweater I had and then in the candle aisle he saw my new favorite scented candle, and he reached for it to smell it, and simply just thought of me, and was happy. He didn't have to share that moment with me, but it was a sense of security that I needed, because in this current state of limbo I need those little reminders sometimes.
As far as his job and our finances we are starting to embark on crisis mode, as today actually is his last day of military pay, and he is official retired from the military medically and on the hunt for a job and wow, having to really start to be grown up all on his own. I am trying to get past the bitterness, so ignore the sarcasm lol.
My friend that I am kind of on the outs with, texted me the other day- she is upset because I often cancel my plans with her to spend time with my husband, and she sees it as me just getting hurt, and choosing to do so. This particular day she was talking about was a day when my husband at the last minute was able to help me with the yard work, the dogs and some needed tasks. I really welcomed the help, because admittedly I was overwhelmed. I just thought to myself, as this seemingly childish conversation took place, and as she told me the friendship seemed one sided, that I didn't really miss her in my life. I did miss her, but I didn't miss the expectations that being her friend meant- the seemingly mandatory once a week minimum visit, of a 40 minute drive each way to her house, and never an agreement to meet half way. I realized, right now, friends with high expectations are not ones I could maintain.
BUT.. I did enjoy the company of my neighbor, and I enjoyed it again when we cooked burgers and handed out halloween candy on halloween. She has invited me to a bible study for women on Wednesday nights about loving your spouse, and I think I may take her up on her offer to go. I need to do things that get me out in a circle of friends more also. My city also has an adventure club, but I am hesitant to join. I did consider buying a bike to take up the hobby of biking around my neighborhood or downtown San Antonio has bike rentals, you can pay a $60 fee a year ,and drive the bikes around downtown as many times as you would like.
I am creating a life for myself, that is centered around myself, and hoping my husband fits back in there sometimes. I was upset with him this weekend, but was surprised he spent the night one night and he is trying so hard not to be mean ,when I lash out at him for our current situation. He met me for lunch today and although it was the only hour I will see him today it was nice to reach across the table and hold his hand, or kiss him goodbye.
I enjoy being able to sleep when I want, because I am kind of down, and not hear someone's comments about being lazy. Or wake up early and cook myself breakfast... or be productive with organization or house chores around the house. I am goal setting and seeming to get sort of back on track with things. I browsed a book store this weekend and got a book called " Surviving separation and divorce" for women, lol, and "The Case Against Divorce: discover the lures, lies, and the emotional traps of divorce- plus the seven vital reasons to stay together." You can tell its an old book, only $6 and somewhat small print but I feel like checking it out.
Its been ten months in, and I am roaming the stores seeing Christmas trees and this is the hardest part of the year for me now-- because I found out so close to Christmas last year, its just associated-- and now a year later I don't want to experience it again. Our 10 year anniversary is Jan 2nd, and I just don't know how to deal. When this whole thing started I told myself I would give it a year, and here I am 60 days out and I am not ready to walk away. So many people think I am crazy, even my own mother in law for loving him so much and staying. She says, he doesn't love you like you deserve, he loves you like a sister or a mom, OR she says well you are basically divorced and only married on paper, so whats some paperwork?.... i guess I should have stronger skin but I don't...
I don't phone stalk him anymore, and my obsession with talking to psychics when I feel hopeless has gone away, although I should probably tell my therapist about that phase, but right now I do kind of look at his checking account to see how he is spending his money and that upsets him. We used to have a joint checking account, and when this happened we opened our own, but he somehow added me to his-- sometimes i think I should take my name off... because its not fair to treat him like we are married, when we aren't really... if that makes sense.. I guess I am just putting one foot in front of the other...
I hope somewhere something made sense... and you don't think I am completely crazy... We had this moment last week, where we were just looking into eachother's eyes all lovey.. and I asked him if he was ready and he said ready for what and I said to let me go.. and he silently replied no and tears rolled down his cheeks.. I told him he could go sow his wild oats, and we can be apart and perhaps one day come back together... he says its not like that... sometimes I get angry and feel stupid for believing him.. like its all lies... so again... just really in limbo.. not ready to walk away... not ready to jump back in... does that make sense?
Anyway this turned into a novel... I am trying to learn how to let go... how to not be so uptight.. about what I cannot control and for now that seems like the right philosophy... I have to stop worrying about the things i cannot control or change, and just love my husband if I want to, or walk away if I want to.. I just wish it were that simple
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
