wow guys, just wow... you wouldn't believe the last two weeks of my life... I hope you are ready... grab some popcorn its going to be good...
So two weeks ago was the week my husband supposedly broke things off with the OW, he returned home claiming they were just friends, he needed time to adjust, and work on him.. well Friday night he says he is going to meet up with some guy friends... okay... but his phone is off when I call... I automatically think he has been with her.. so when he gets home I ask him point blank, and he denies it... makes up a story about how she was bugging him so he turned off his phone... then the next day we had a good day together... it was a nice day out just as friends really.. then Sunday she needs to go to the laundrymat and get groceries so he says he will be home... promises..
At 2 AM.. he isn't home... and his phone is off... this upsets me... causes me to do some searching and I realize through his phone records that he was with her Friday night also... so I get ready for work.. and at 4am.. I drive to her house and knock on her door and ask to speak to my husband...
He of course is upset... says "what part of let me handle my business and stay out of my life do you not understand" and proceeds to tell me, in front of her, that he wants a divorce so he can pursue a relationship with her, so I told him-- go home and pack your things and be out of the house by 4... he says that isnt fair... so I say okay... you can be at the house between 8-4 while I am at work, otherwise you have to be gone...
So for two weeks now he has been living with her full time... two to three days will pass with no contact and then as soon as she is at work, he is calling me wanting to come over and I refuse... she is texting me, telling me they are just roommates... basically she is waiitng for him to divorce me for them to be more... I want nothing to do with it.. I deserve better.. what do they do all day? smoke pot together . He has no job, he loses his military pay in November and this is what he is doing? I started seeing my new counselor and I LOVE her she is so easy to talk to and doesn't pressure me to make any deicsions and seems to really think that a lot of this is related to my husband's pTSD, the fear of being alone, etc. She wants him to get help justfor himself asap, but I cannotforce him to want to help himself.
I do miss him, but for the most part, the minimal contact- of only seeing him once a week for an hour or so to handle financial matters- because right now I don't want anything else, has been pretty relaxing. I am living my life and not worrying about him. We both agree we aren't ready to divorce, but I am not ready to accept him how he is now.
I am sitting here with my dogs laying on my lap, coming home to my dogs and to a quiet house to do homework for a few hours or my own thing has been a breathe of fresh air. I can finally start really focusing on myself and if we don't make it we don't, but if we do, we do. For now, I have to take this alone timefor me.
Hope this makes sense. Thanks for listening guys.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Sorry about all the drama. What did OW say when you showed up at her door?
The truth is, you DO deserve better. And brain injury/PTSD/depression or not, a better man would not behave this way.
Sadly, he may never be the man he was again. Or maybe he wasn't ever that man in the first place.
You're young, you don't have kids with him.....if I were you, I'd ride out these last few months until you hit that ten year mark, then I'd move on. You've offered love, help and forgiveness - sometimes you just can't make the horse drink.
Take care of yourself, let her worry about him for a change. And if his family doesn't know what's going on, tell them so THEY can take over worrying about him.
thanks kml, I can't believe I left out the best part of the drama.. lol...
So I go the OW's door at 4am, knock and she answers, and says let me guess, he's a great storyteller huh? what are we supposed to be doing? and I say laundry.. and she laughs...
So after he talks to me, she texts me that we should confront him on his BS...
So let me set the scene... my husband on his mistress's front yard with his mistress and his wife comparing stories... she says, you told me I was your soul mate, that you were divorcing Rebecca to be with me... I say, you tell me you just need time to break free from her and return to me... she says you tell me you want to have children with me... and I say, and when I read that text you say you were just being nice... she asks, if we have been intimate... and I say yes... and that was the one that set him over the edge... that I should have "respected" our marriage enough to not let her in on that, but I felt like at this point we both deserve the truth you know? So the OW was nice actually and has been texting me... but I only think its because she is checking to see if he is coming home when she is at work.. which he is.. but whatever...
I have to definitely keep my cool until Tuesday, when I get my new military id- because my expires that day and we take care of figuring out my healthcare options-- which is either taking it out of my account which is still way cheaper with his military package than my employer or he takes it out of his retirement, which he said he would do... and then I can keep taking more steps back until January when I can put in my time and walk away with at least healthcare and some percentage of his retirement.. that always sets him over the edge says he earned that... that he would pay my car payment and healthcare and school loans if I don't take his retirement.. but all he has to do is go switch to the VA side and I would lose his retirement portion... so I dunno... maybe I will say pay my student loan payment, my car payment and my healthcare as part of the divorce and then no court involved... we shall see... for now he is applying for social security disability and he needs me to help, which I don't mind because that means a large sum payment for his PTSD which he agreed to pay off our credit card debt... so yes, its in my best interest to wait at least until January.. and yes if he gets help and works on a better him I may consider a reconciliation.. but right now, as he is... totally not interested... and I don't know if I ever will be again to be honest... His family is not very close to him, his mom is closer to me and they all live far away... but I already decide I can't stay with someone just because they gave up on me and I feel obligated out of love and vows not to give up on them because I am all they have... he knows this.. thats his bad for treating me this way...
But yes.. I am actually okay... less stressed... and loving my new counselor and really able to focus on school and my health goals and also long term goals for the future that all revolve around me and only me... and only dealing with him once or twice a week is working out okay for now...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I am actually doing okay. Something about "falling back" has caused me to enjoy waking up to sunshine instead of darkness, and I am not minding the earlier bed time, or darkness so to say.
I found myself roaming around Hobby Lobby this weekend- first to look at Christmas trees, and then to purchase 2 Christmas Puzzles and 2 paint by numbers, I am not sure, but I think that gives me an automatic senior citizen discount, but admittedly I am looking forward to perhaps actually having a hobby I am doing for me and solely me. My neighbor has invited me to her women's only bible study, so been considering that.
my marriage-- ehh... umm,still not married, still not divorced... husband seems to be fine in limbo, and I am trying not to be so upset all the time... I have seen my new therapist three times and its been enjoyable, I actually enjoy going and she is really convinced that all of this is extremely related to PTSD... his desire to escape, can't live with himself, feeling trapped- etc... but he is right now refusing to seek help for that, which is of course upmost important over our marriage-- because he is really experiencing some problems..
When my husband first started that lifestyle, he seemed to be enjoying himself, but almost a year later, even as a 28 year old man, he is exhausted-- no longer sees the point or purpose in doing such activities, and admittedly misses our mundane weeknights of housework, house projects and talking over plant watering. My husband told me something today and it reminded me of how people sometimes thing their spouses don't miss them when they are apart living a crazy lifestyle or midlife crisis or dealing with this situation. He told me that he was walking around target the other day and really missed me. He saw a wallet I had, a sweater I had and then in the candle aisle he saw my new favorite scented candle, and he reached for it to smell it, and simply just thought of me, and was happy. He didn't have to share that moment with me, but it was a sense of security that I needed, because in this current state of limbo I need those little reminders sometimes.
As far as his job and our finances we are starting to embark on crisis mode, as today actually is his last day of military pay, and he is official retired from the military medically and on the hunt for a job and wow, having to really start to be grown up all on his own. I am trying to get past the bitterness, so ignore the sarcasm lol.
My friend that I am kind of on the outs with, texted me the other day- she is upset because I often cancel my plans with her to spend time with my husband, and she sees it as me just getting hurt, and choosing to do so. This particular day she was talking about was a day when my husband at the last minute was able to help me with the yard work, the dogs and some needed tasks. I really welcomed the help, because admittedly I was overwhelmed. I just thought to myself, as this seemingly childish conversation took place, and as she told me the friendship seemed one sided, that I didn't really miss her in my life. I did miss her, but I didn't miss the expectations that being her friend meant- the seemingly mandatory once a week minimum visit, of a 40 minute drive each way to her house, and never an agreement to meet half way. I realized, right now, friends with high expectations are not ones I could maintain.
BUT.. I did enjoy the company of my neighbor, and I enjoyed it again when we cooked burgers and handed out halloween candy on halloween. She has invited me to a bible study for women on Wednesday nights about loving your spouse, and I think I may take her up on her offer to go. I need to do things that get me out in a circle of friends more also. My city also has an adventure club, but I am hesitant to join. I did consider buying a bike to take up the hobby of biking around my neighborhood or downtown San Antonio has bike rentals, you can pay a $60 fee a year ,and drive the bikes around downtown as many times as you would like.
I am creating a life for myself, that is centered around myself, and hoping my husband fits back in there sometimes. I was upset with him this weekend, but was surprised he spent the night one night and he is trying so hard not to be mean ,when I lash out at him for our current situation. He met me for lunch today and although it was the only hour I will see him today it was nice to reach across the table and hold his hand, or kiss him goodbye.
I enjoy being able to sleep when I want, because I am kind of down, and not hear someone's comments about being lazy. Or wake up early and cook myself breakfast... or be productive with organization or house chores around the house. I am goal setting and seeming to get sort of back on track with things. I browsed a book store this weekend and got a book called " Surviving separation and divorce" for women, lol, and "The Case Against Divorce: discover the lures, lies, and the emotional traps of divorce- plus the seven vital reasons to stay together." You can tell its an old book, only $6 and somewhat small print but I feel like checking it out.
Its been ten months in, and I am roaming the stores seeing Christmas trees and this is the hardest part of the year for me now-- because I found out so close to Christmas last year, its just associated-- and now a year later I don't want to experience it again. Our 10 year anniversary is Jan 2nd, and I just don't know how to deal. When this whole thing started I told myself I would give it a year, and here I am 60 days out and I am not ready to walk away. So many people think I am crazy, even my own mother in law for loving him so much and staying. She says, he doesn't love you like you deserve, he loves you like a sister or a mom, OR she says well you are basically divorced and only married on paper, so whats some paperwork?.... i guess I should have stronger skin but I don't...
I don't phone stalk him anymore, and my obsession with talking to psychics when I feel hopeless has gone away, although I should probably tell my therapist about that phase, but right now I do kind of look at his checking account to see how he is spending his money and that upsets him. We used to have a joint checking account, and when this happened we opened our own, but he somehow added me to his-- sometimes i think I should take my name off... because its not fair to treat him like we are married, when we aren't really... if that makes sense.. I guess I am just putting one foot in front of the other...
I hope somewhere something made sense... and you don't think I am completely crazy... We had this moment last week, where we were just looking into eachother's eyes all lovey.. and I asked him if he was ready and he said ready for what and I said to let me go.. and he silently replied no and tears rolled down his cheeks.. I told him he could go sow his wild oats, and we can be apart and perhaps one day come back together... he says its not like that... sometimes I get angry and feel stupid for believing him.. like its all lies... so again... just really in limbo.. not ready to walk away... not ready to jump back in... does that make sense?
Anyway this turned into a novel... I am trying to learn how to let go... how to not be so uptight.. about what I cannot control and for now that seems like the right philosophy... I have to stop worrying about the things i cannot control or change, and just love my husband if I want to, or walk away if I want to.. I just wish it were that simple
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Just wanted to touch base and check in with everyone to see how their Thanksgiving went...
mine was a little on the dramatic side, I must admit. My husband didn't come home the night prior, so I went to the other woman's house at 3am and moved his car a few blocks down the road, I thought it was funny, him not so much. I left and went home, was finally asleep, and she texts me "Maybe if you treated your husband better he wouldn't be here with me" I flipped, I went back to her house and sat on our car- she asked me to leave, I said I wasn't on her property, I was on my car- my property. Eventually I went home and calmed down, and my husband came and we faught- but it was an eye opener for me anyway, that she seems to have this control on him.
He has moved back home, for now, but hs been in his own room and taking his space and time. Its been hard, because somedays he acts like my friend, or like he loves me, and other days he acts like we are strangers.
The other woman is supposedly leaving and moving to Colorado on January 20th, only time will tell if this is true or not. I am just working on myself and we both agree we don't want to be divorced, but need our time, to hopefully work on our marriage when the time is right. He is searching for a job, and looking for a counselor and has agreed to talk to my therapists with me.
That is it for now- just wanted to check in, the holidays are definitely a lot harder than I anticipated.
But I am hanging in there.
-Becca
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Stay for the ten years, so at least you get credit.
But after that - consider that, whatever this is due to - whatever combination of brain injury/PTSD/poor character - he's really UNLIKELY to ever be the husband YOU deserve, and the kind of person you would want to risk making babies with, in the future.
Thanks guys for the input, and yes. I actually made a file, printing out all of my evidence of his affair, and have it locked in my safe at work- which only I have access to.
I have consulted with a divorce attorney as well.
And I have alredy been listed on his insurance and benefits at 100 percent... so making sure all of that also kicks in as well, just in order to be ready.. you know?
I am seriously leaning towards moving out after January 2nd.. which is our 10 year mark.... I don't want to make it too obvious and file papers as soon as that day happens... but I do want to set boundaries... which is, she is in your life... its been 10 years... Its been a year of this bull crap I deserve better.... lets make this break legitimate...
I have been looking at apartments and can swing it... but I do need to wait for him to find a job.... right now we are kind of in crisis mode... but to be honest, I feel like I can tackle anything that comes my way, even losing our house or whatever.. he suggested living in the house as roommates until we paid off our debt... umm, can you say living hell? no thanks?
Anyway... progress, yes, I guess.... where it needs to be... nowhere close... time for me to make a big step in the direction of a divorce... and see where he falls...
Hope all is well with you guys
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
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