But it shouldn't matter.. because it's not about him. It's about you making the choice to stop the anger, it's about you making the choice to love him better. The changes are for YOU and eventually it will be up to your H to decide if he wants to accept them.
This is the key.
Love you ((kg)) You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I wanted to post to offer my support, your situation is difficult in the extreme. I can offer you a couple observations from someone who is on the outside looking in. It feels to me from reading your posts that you are still fixated on H and spend a lot of time trying to mind read, work through scenarios in your head that may or may not lead to reconciliation, and you get hopes up and form expectations that H is not aware of. It feels like you build up big block-towers in your mind, then one of the blocks gets pulled out and the whole thing falls down and you feel terrible. H only sees the little block he pulled out and didn't know the whole tower was there, and therefore can't understand your strong reactions.
Your reaction to his costume is a good example of that -- you were angry about the fact that you did all the holiday planning and decorating for years and he didn't join you in that, you're angry about your financial situation. Now when H shows up in a costume and you don't feel you can afford one, you explode -- this has to be very confusing to him, because on his side he may be aware that you value his participation in festivities, he tried doing something new, and it made you even angrier. That will lead him to feel like he can't win.
You also seem to spend a lot of time worrying about if *he* notices your changes -- its important to you to get credit from him for the positive strides you're making, then when you don't get the credit you think you deserve, it makes you angry and disappointed and that triggers a backslide which makes everything worse.
I feel that the only way out of this cycle for you is to break your dependency on what he thinks of you. You need to get rid of the "reflected sense of self", because he's not a good mirror right now.
There are really only two ways to do that -- one is to learn to self-soothe and have it come from within. Super hard if you have a lot of stress in your life with kids and finances like you do. The second is to bring more and new people into your life and get some of that connection you're looking for from other places. You said that you don't have many friends where you live and that one of your good friends is moving away. I think you should focus on that as your #1 problem right now -- much more important than your fears or the changes you want to make. I truly believe that if you address this issue, that the other problems will take care of themselves. You simply need adult interaction and validation. You're still looking to H to provide 100% of that and the fact that he's incapable or disinterested right now makes you seething angry. If you can establish three or four intimate friendships, you have a broader base of support. If one of those 4 is not available, you've got three others to fall back on.
Believe me, your path out of this lies in making new friends who you truly enjoy and who truly enjoy you.
So how do you do that? It's a challenge and it takes time, particularly given your sitch, but some ideas would be to join some meetups, see if you can get involved in playgroups with your kids, look for a divorce support group, look for volunteer activities. If you can find a high schooler or college student to help you with childcare on a set schedule every week for reasonable money it might be an excellent investment to allow you to get out and interact with other adults.
I know you are challenged in the extreme, and sometimes it's hard to step back and see what's happening when you're so close to it. I do believe that if you expand your network of friends locally, you'll find that everything else will start to fall into place.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
we all fall..i have felt like the worst DBer ever at times too... even just a few weeks ago, when i brought up that during our M, W had always promised to go to MC if we had problems and did not keep that promise.... i brought that up again for the umpteenth thousandth time... felt really, really stupid afterward...
but the good thing is... that today is another day... and another opportunity...
everyone else had great things to say and i love what SS said about finding the feelings under the anger... you are in an incredibly hard sitch KG due to the age of your children, the finances, H's job loss... please be kind to yourself.
((((((((((( ))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I relate to the anger. You already know that. It has been the cause of the demise of several of my Rs (not just the M, but past friendships as well).
I can't say anything more to what has been said to you. I think SS is spot in with needing to understand the emotions underneath the anger (I find it is usually pain, hurt and fear).
Accuracy is 100 percent correct I believe about how we can spew and get upset over something and the H just can't understand why because we never communicated the whole story (costume incident).
Step away KG, as Accuracy says. Step away from H. Find what you need elsewhere for now. What I have learned so far is that we have to accept what is happening for now and we have to heal ourselves. H cannot do it for whatever reason.
KG you have been one of the biggest sources of clarity, strength and love for me in the past several months. Its in you. We have all seen it. It is harder to to for ourselves what we suggest others can do. But you have shown a sense of strength that is a source of inspiration for so many others here. The young kids, the financial situation...
I believe there is more in you then you allow yourself to be...
the sense of unfairness, indignity, pain and hurt....let.it.go. let KG be who she needs to be to heal. Give yourself a chance. You deserve it.
Love you KG.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
hi kg, i was listening to tara brach today and thought of you. i find her talks and meditations so wise, healing and calming. she has tons of them for free on her website. the one i was listening to this morning is called discovering the trance.
((((((((( ))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
THANK YOU SO MUCH for stopping by. It's an honor to have you back here and have your support. You are mature well beyond your years and I appreciate your feedback so much...
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
for some reason God allowed me to backslide.. so much.. and in such a painful way.. because he knew that was what I needed to be forward....
I know it's gonna sound weird.. but now is the time for you to become inspired.. and motivated.. not defeated.
Yes... Thank you for reminding me that a backslide is another step in the journey, a painful one, but one that can also get us closer to our goal, if we choose it to be. I needed to hear that.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
You're H opened up alot about what bothers him. These past 4 days have given you alot to work on.
His complaints are the same since day 1. I just let my self-righteousness and ego cloud my sense of compassion for his pain and the work I need to do to stop hurting him. It's hard to forgive myself because I should have this down by now. For goodness sake, it's been almost TWO years for me...
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
it's not about him. It's about you making the choice to stop the anger, it's about you making the choice to love him better. The changes are for YOU and eventually it will be up to your H to decide if he wants to accept them.
Regardless - YOUR PATH DOESN'T CHANGE.
Indeed. The anger issue is completely about me - for me and ALL my relationships. I know part of the reason I fell into this trap again is that I had let my expectations get high again... I have not posted about it, but our R was actually improving quite a bit and for the first time, I was seeing H actually initiating contact and acting as a true friend once again. I thought I had my emotions and expectations in check, but I didn't and when the ugliness of the D process and the separate account came back, everything came crashing down and I felt hurt and betrayed again. My fault - I should know better than that...
Thanks again, Val for coming here and reading. Please know that even though I don't post much, I follow your posts on the other side. You are a fantastic source of inspiration and good energy all the time!
(((((Val))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
SS - Thanks for stopping by and reading my novel...
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
"H, when you tell me that you've put money into a separate account, i become so afraid of not being able to take care of myself and our children. i'm making so many financial sacrifices now and i don't know where else to cut expenses. i'm worried about food and shelter for our kids and i'm afraid you will totally abandon us financially."
This ^^^^ is exactly right and the place I know I need to be at BEFORE I explode. I can get to this point AFTER the damage is done and I apologize, whereas before I wouldn't even be aware of these feelings. Yet there is much work to be done.
Thank you for bringing such clarity and simplicity to something I tend to over-complicate.
(((SS)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thank you for your continued support and PATIENCE with me. Thank you for validating me and making me feel special and valuable. Thank you for just being the wonderful women you are - I consider you my friends and my source of inspiration and I hope you know this.
Yes... I have to dust off and bring the focus back to ME. It's about ME, it's MY journey, it's MY choice and it will be MY success. It just has to be.
Acc THANK YOU for taking the time to post such a detailed message and giving me your POV. Bug is right - you are such a valuable asset for these boards and we are fortunate to have you here. I had already been suspecting that my GAL efforts were not where they need to be - particularly with my support system, but you have brought them to the forefront and I appreciate it.
I notice I usually post only when there is drama, probably as a way to vent and process my feelings, but I should also post when things go well. I don't have a lot of free time, but am forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone and commit to changing things around me. Just today I went to a "Moms with Young Kids" support group from my church. I also volunteered at the Historical Society. I have actually also initiated contact with other moms at my kids' preschool and set up some play dates. This is all unchartered territory for me - I was always a career woman and my social life always revolved around people from my profession, not stay-at-home moms. So I feel that is a start.
Right now I am trying to ground myself and focus on today and not think about what has happened in the last few days. Let go and let God - just for today...
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR REACHING OUT AND LENDING A HAND SO I CAN GET UP AGAIN. I am dusting myself off the ground as we speak...
((((hugs to you all))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
The more I learn about you, the more I feel we are alike.
My anger issues are similar to yours and there are so many other parallels (the GAL issues, the financial problems, the particular version of script that our H's spout).
I am always reading your posts, and although I don't have much advice (given that i'm prone to the same problems), please know that i understand what you are going through and am wishing you the strength, patience and courage to get through this. We can do it; we must do it - for ourselves and our kids.
