There is something I've noticed in the majority of LBH's. They feel so desperate to hear the W say she'll work on the M....or at least say she won't file for a D. It's really difficult for him to focus on his plan of action b/c he just wants her to this or that.
You know how men & women are in having sex. The man is a microwave and the woman a slow burning cooker. Reaching the goal may not be in the same timing. In fact, the goal may not even be quite the same. He may want to climax....but she may want to experience the physical closeness of him. He goes for the finish line and then he is done and feels it's complete, while she may still want more of the physical loving. (Of course I realize there may be a few couples in the entire world that are not like this example.) Anyway, I think it is much this way after the WAW drops the bomb on him. They have different goals in mind. They have different desires and what he wants to do will not be what she necessarily wants. And you know........no matter how sexy the voice, talking usually just don't cut it for the woman. She needs more than talk, guys.
From what I've observed in most stories, the LBH can't seem to focus on much of anything b/c he just wants her to say that she'll agree to work on the R. I get this picture of him trying to set on a hot stove. But she is cold. No matter how much he tries to get her to warm up like he is.....she looks at him scooting around on top of the flame and she wants no part of it. And even though he may get good advice about solving his M problems....he's thinking, "I know....I know, but I just want her to tell me _________ (fill in the blank), and then I can do such & such. He wants assurance! But there isn't going to be any assurance from her.
I wonder if it's b/c of man's characteristic to conquer. And how many win the W back....and think they are through working?
The WAW does not desire anything in regards to her H, the M, affection, on & on. The more he wants her to just say she'll "try".....the worse he's making it on himself. If he can accept that he won't hear her say that, the better chance he will have. Each time he brings it up, the more he pushes her away.
Not to pull you down more than you already are, Acy, but I don't think she'll stick with the counseling. She doesn't want to work things out and she doesn't want to stay in the M. Her mind is on another man and she daydreams of how life with him could be....or how better her life would be if she was single.
Don't ask her if she'll keep attending or if she's going to stop. But brace yourself in case she springs this on you. Know in advance what you will do if she tells you it isn't working and she doesn't want to go back to the counseling.
Do you know what you would do? It may be wise to have some backup plans in mind. IOW, let yourself dare to think about some things she might do and what action you'd take if she chooses to do it.
Even if she stops going to the C sessions, it doesn't mean the M can't still be saved, okay? But when the WAW has pulled in a third party, things usually gets worse after she's dropped the bomb. Probably, you are going to face a lot...but you will get through this and will be better and stronger. Just keep reminding yourself this isn't a quick nor easy fix. It will come in baby-steps, so hang in there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
