RegretfulLA, yes, I agree that we need honesty and bluntness. No point wasting time and energy on riddles.
Originally Posted By: AJM
What did you specifically do each day of your marriage to show you wanted to be married to your husband? To make your marriage work?
It's hard to describe because it was so automatic. It's like doing things for our kids without really thinking about it. If I make S12 cookies or invite him to play a game of ping-pong, it's not something I have to put a lot of thought into. I know it's something that he enjoys. I'm in tune with him. I can tell when he's happy or sad, when he's interested in something or bored. I listen when he talks to me. But I'm his parent, so if he does something inappropriate (leaving Halloween candy wrappers all over the place) I get to tell him to pick them up. He does it, we're good. (I don't expect that to last for much longer as he gets deeper into his teenage years and starts to pull away, but it's wonderful right now.)
For H, it was similar. I knew what he liked, what he liked to do or eat or watch on TV. I would record something he might miss, cook a meal I knew he loved, dress in something sexy, compliment something he did, host his family get-togethers, participate in his activities, etc. He was happy. His words. He was not doing for me. His words. In my mind, marriage is reciprocal. I simply ran out of energy and enthusiasm. I'm not the martyr-type and don't get endless joy out of doing something for others while getting nothing in return. I told him I needed specific things from him. His response was, "I know, but..."
No, I certainly didn't mean to make him sound like an old coat.
Originally Posted By: AJM
What have you done to change your perspective about your H? Why did you once feel so enamored and now do not? You seem to think it's because you were wrong about him. What makes you say you are not wrong about him now??
I could be wrong about what he might or might not do in the future. I could be wrong about his motives. I'm not wrong about what he does or says. As I said, my perspective changed because of my experience. I am no longer "enamored" with him because he is not the person I made him out to be. I believed he was honest. He is not. I believed he would be loyal to me. He is not. I believed M to him would be reciprocal. It is not. For me to be wrong about these things now is a matter of semantics (ie. lying isn't dishonest.)
Originally Posted By: AJM
The only thing that comes through is that you are not happy. And you seem to be looking for a reason to blame him so you can happily leave without the guilt.
Gosh AJM, most everyone on this site sounds unhappy. The situations stink. I'm missing the distinction. In six years when S12 is off, I plan to get a job where I travel a lot. I will find great joy in that activity. It's not a sin, so I'm not sure what "guilt" I'm trying to avoid? I will agree that I'm trying to avoid the conflict, because it does not accomplish anything except build animosity.
What is the difference between "view" and "perspective?"
