Back again thread #2

[MKB23]

I have an appt with my first choice attorney tomorrow as she had a cancellation. Expensive though. I guess we will just take it as it comes and see how it goes

[AnotherStander]

You know, there is something else bothering me. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I need legal help. I do. However, all the people in my life are pushing me to get a D very quickly. One person even said, the one who jumps first, wins. I thought to myself, wins? What do they win? There is no winning in this situation. Only losers. Will I likely wind up with a D? Probably. However, I want it to be on my terms, when I am ready. Does that make sense? Or am I just kidding myself?

It makes perfect sense and you are not kidding yourself. If you haven't read DR in a while then thumb through it and read the chapter on this, I forget which it is but it's near the beginning of the book. It talks about how those around us believe D is in our best interests so we can end the pain and move on. Unfortunately D brings all new pain, but our support group doesn't realize it. What they think will improve us usually just makes things worse.

Problem is, the meds knock me out and I have far too much to do today.

I had the same issue with the Ativan I was prescribed for anxiety attacks. It worked, but I would be dizzy and loopy after taking it. So I tried half a pill, better but still loopy. So then I tried 1/4 pill and it worked perfectly. It stopped the anxiety with no odd side effects. You might try a reduced dose like that. I only had to take it temporarily, last time was over 2 months ago. If it's a benzo then only take it when you need it. They are highly addictive.

[tori2012]

MKB, good luck tomorrow. It's a gift that your L had a cancellation. You can always start the D process and file a motion for conciliation that can be extended up to 6 months. This way you're financially protected and have more time to stop the D if you both want it.
((()))

[MKB23]

Ironic thing happened. I was praying about what to do. I feel so lost and sort of pushed into this. Any way, so less than 10 minutes later the L calls. Change in the schedule and be there an hour earlier. I thought well if that wasn't an answer then I don't know what one is.

[chatterbug]

You know, there is something else bothering me. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I need legal help. I do. However, all the people in my life are pushing me to get a D very quickly. One person even said, the one who jumps first, wins. I thought to myself, wins? What do they win? There is no winning in this situation. Only losers. Will I likely wind up with a D? Probably. However, I want it to be on my terms, when I am ready. Does that make sense? Or am I just kidding myself?

It makes perfect sense and you are not kidding yourself. If you haven't read DR in a while then thumb through it and read the chapter on this, I forget which it is but it's near the beginning of the book. It talks about how those around us believe D is in our best interests so we can end the pain and move on. Unfortunately D brings all new pain, but our support group doesn't realize it. What they think will improve us usually just makes things worse.

There is also legally and financially protecting yourself. Sticking your head in the sand or closing your eyes and holding your your hands over your ears and yelling 'LA-LA-LA' does not make what is happening go away.

You seem to be living in some strange land where all these relationships end up working out perfectly. That is not the case.

So when someone threatens to cut you off financially. You protect yourself. Legally. You do not go. Well if I ignore it or go along with it they will be nicer towards me.

Failure to do so is a mistake.

[MKB23]

You know, there is something else bothering me. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I need legal help. I do. However, all the people in my life are pushing me to get a D very quickly. One person even said, the one who jumps first, wins. I thought to myself, wins? What do they win? There is no winning in this situation. Only losers. Will I likely wind up with a D? Probably. However, I want it to be on my terms, when I am ready. Does that make sense? Or am I just kidding myself?

It makes perfect sense and you are not kidding yourself. If you haven't read DR in a while then thumb through it and read the chapter on this, I forget which it is but it's near the beginning of the book. It talks about how those around us believe D is in our best interests so we can end the pain and move on. Unfortunately D brings all new pain, but our support group doesn't realize it. What they think will improve us usually just makes things worse.

There is also legally and financially protecting yourself. Sticking your head in the sand or closing your eyes and holding your your hands over your ears and yelling 'LA-LA-LA' does not make what is happening go away.

You seem to be living in some strange land where all these relationships end up working out perfectly. That is not the case.

So when someone threatens to cut you off financially. You protect yourself. Legally. You do not go. Well if I ignore it or go along with it they will be nicer towards me.

Failure to do so is a mistake.

I fully intend to do so. However, I'm not sure how you thought being rude would be beneficial. Wow. I am sort of shocked but whatever. Bluntness I can get and even understand but obviously you have had a bad day or something.
You are suggesting that I simply be angry and vindictive and go ahead and file under the notion that it is "protecting myself" Or that somehow I am deluding myself. I am fully well aware of my situation as I live it every single day of my life. At this point, I do not know that my filing is going to change a single thing. That is really what I am saying. One thing I know it will do, is cause my children pain. It will force everyone under a microscope while H gets his head checked out and we all do too. It is going to be brutally nasty. I know this. I am trying to avoid some of that if possible. Also, we haven't even been apart long enough to file yet and I think the state orders mediation and counseling. Of course, I will find all that out in the morning.

[Wendylon]

I hope your meeting with your attorney goes well tomorrow, MKB, and that you can start to feel less anxious. It's not surprising that you are feeling anxious so be gentle with yourself.

I'm sure that your H will start to miss the kids and see how controlling XW1 is at some point. It's just a question of time. The only thing you can do is stay out of his head for now.

I hope that S14 starts to feel better and causes you less worry as well.

Look after yourself, MKB, and keep posting.

[chatterbug]

That was to Another Stander. Yes it was blunt. When you are being threatened with financial disaster due to H withholding your money as a punishment because you are not playing 100% along with his game doing the DB should be put on hold.

If I read him wrong then I apologize.

But this do not upset the cheating Wayward at all or ever is sometimes the wrong advice. Especially when delivered right before you have to be tough as nails and work through the next few days with your lawyer and the battles that come from it to survive.

I already know your working towards protecting yourself. As I follow along and read your posts.

I have seen this happen to women and read about it time after time. It is sickening that a man would do that to his wife and children. To play games like that. Just like reading about women withholding children from their father.

Both are wrong. I will post strongly any time I think someone is telling a person to go along with it to not rock the boat.

[MKB23]

Ah. I didn't take his advice as such. Frankly, I would like to keep my children from visiting until he goes back for a psych eval and possible meds. He NEEDS them. It was about 2 years ago when the swat team had to come take him in and he was involuntarily committed. As soon as he was no longer being monitored he stopped ALL treatmzents even his IC. I am stuck in a crap position between trying to give my kids what they want and also ensure their safety. Do I think he would hurt them? No. Do I believe he might put them in a situation that is unsafe? Absolutely. Frankly, i was told It is considered abandonment and as such I do NOT have to allow visitation. I'm not sure about this. The custody and his state of mind is my primary reason for going. Money while a huge stressor is something I can try to work with. Many of our bills are set up on autopay. I have been checking their status and so far so good. Ha! He might be in for a surprise. Especially when he sees how his crazy spending habits really work for him! Lol sorry if that sounds mean. Money has always been an issue because he has the typical bipolar spending habits.i always did the bills. Now he gets to. Or her. Either way. I can borrow from family for a month or so until I get working. Been in tough situations before. Hell, last time he left me with a single $100 bill. Cleaned out our bank account and at that time we had no credit. I did it before and can do it again. Eff him. I got this handled. ;-) I am worried but I do have faith things will work out. At least for us. I have pretty much nothing but pity for him at this point. Likely when it all well and truly sinks in it will be more than his mind can handle and I never wanted that for him.

[MKB23]

Btw- girls ballgame went well! They won for first time with new coach! Their egos needed the win. Incidentally, thre is something to be said for jubilant little girl laughter and giggles over a shared ice cream after a win. Life does indeed go on!