Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

Val,

THANK YOU SO MUCH for stopping by. It's an honor to have you back here and have your support. You are mature well beyond your years and I appreciate your feedback so much...

for some reason God allowed me to backslide.. so much.. and in such a painful way.. because he knew that was what I needed to be forward....

I know it's gonna sound weird.. but now is the time for you to become inspired.. and motivated.. not defeated.

Yes... Thank you for reminding me that a backslide is another step in the journey, a painful one, but one that can also get us closer to our goal, if we choose it to be. I needed to hear that.

You're H opened up alot about what bothers him. These past 4 days have given you alot to work on.

His complaints are the same since day 1. I just let my self-righteousness and ego cloud my sense of compassion for his pain and the work I need to do to stop hurting him. It's hard to forgive myself because I should have this down by now. For goodness sake, it's been almost TWO years for me...

it's not about him. It's about you making the choice to stop the anger, it's about you making the choice to love him better. The changes are for YOU and eventually it will be up to your H to decide if he wants to accept them.

Regardless - YOUR PATH DOESN'T CHANGE.

Indeed. The anger issue is completely about me - for me and ALL my relationships. I know part of the reason I fell into this trap again is that I had let my expectations get high again... I have not posted about it, but our R was actually improving quite a bit and for the first time, I was seeing H actually initiating contact and acting as a true friend once again. I thought I had my emotions and expectations in check, but I didn't and when the ugliness of the D process and the separate account came back, everything came crashing down and I felt hurt and betrayed again.
My fault - I should know better than that...

Thanks again, Val for coming here and reading. Please know that even though I don't post much, I follow your posts on the other side. You are a fantastic source of inspiration and good energy all the time!

(((((Val))))))