Quote: I want to feel what needs to be felt so I can move on since I can't completely disappear like I truly want too. Can you say more about this? What do you mean disappear? I know what it meant to me, but I'm curious what it means to you.
There's a job opening up over sea's for the company I currently work for. I've had some offers from people to submit a reference for me if I'm interested in applying. It's flattering and the possibility is exciting. But I have my kids and even though I would be putting in for a 12-24 month tour, I don't want to be without them that long. I'm not saying I'm a shoe-in for the position, but it's one of those political decision that if I did get an offer, my future would be dictated by corporate politics and not all my own.
The "humiliation" comes in the form of me figuratively speaking. She took all of "our"/her friends with her. This also fits into my wanting to disappear. How could anyone on any planet think that there's nothing wrong with "he's just a friend" and once she filed for D, he's more than just a friend? These people know I'm hurt, but they left me and I gladly left them in return. I don't want them around me and they put me in a position of lying whenever I'm passing by in that I'm "supposed" to act like 'as if' when I feel like my hurt is amplified 100x when I see them.
I'm afraid to say anything to my in-laws about anything in my normal daily life because I don't want it to get back to my W -> part of wanting to disappear. I love them, but the D isn't final until I sign the papers and I'm still waiting for the check from my 401K so I can start working with the lawyer outside of simply consulting me at $100 a visit. I can't wait to sign those papers, because she'll be locked in and I don't have to worry as much about angering her and giving her any reason to stick it to me more than she already is.
I'm not saying I'm interested in talking to the in-laws about how I feel about anything. I just don't want to talk about something that might involve money or making a purchase or taking a trip anywhere. I'm telling my W I'm scraping by whenever she brings up money, and it's true. It aggrivates me to no end when she goes and buys a $200 toy-thing for S12 and he gets mad at me for not being able to buy a $30 iTunes card. I can't do what can't be done. She lectured me about always working or studying when the kids were with me instead of meeting their needs. I ignored her. When the kids say "always", it means 60-70% of the time. I have 2 kids with different interests and the oldest one requires some sort of financial commitment to be entertained and I can't afford much of what he wants to do. He's like his mom in this regard and I'm trying not to re-invent the wheel, but help him understand that the time we spend together doing 'whatever' is something that can be appreciated. His mom and the OM have friends with pools and lake houses and land. I don't. I'm still trying to aquire new friends and not because of what they have.
On a side note.
I've been on vacation (mentally) for the past 24 hours. I asked someone out via a co-worker, since I've no current way to contact her. I don't care what she says. It's just been really nice to take a break from the past 2+ years and actually feel nervous energy vs. hurt. If she says no, it will be a nice to hear it coming from someone that isn't bitter towards me and it will will feel good that I might have given her a reason to feel good about her day. Kind of like when I pay for the order of the person behind me at the drive thru at $tar8ucks. I don't do that all the time, but it makes me feel good that I "might" have done something to make someone feel good about their day.
