Something happened recently that may change up the dynamics a bit. W had a accident and killed a dog. She got the up close look and all. We are pet/animal people. She is really shook up.
She was processing a lot Monday evening, realizing "I can kill something when I drive, I have got to be a more attentive driver" etc, etc. I practiced my now habitual "STFU T^2" and gave her full attention. her demeanor and facial expression was very "clear", grown-up.
She also then told me how she was working on her histrionics, mountain/molehill, forgiveness, guilt issues, etc...as Snodderly says, just be quiet and still and the answers come...
Yesterday after work I was all light-hearted and fun and I saw, i think, a look I had not seen in a while from W...that i was valued or something like that...it was nice. Later she was withdrawn, probably processing her events and realizations from the day before. I am curious to see what comes from this recent experience of hers...could go either way I know. Time will tell.
As for me, my new goal is to continue to bicycle commute to work through the winter, whether rain, snow, cold, whatever...I was a big cyclist in my younger years in the great white north, I can do it again, and due to the pacific influence, winters are nothing where I live now in the northern mountains compared to the great north midwest plains I grew up in.
I also found that my weight lifting was just taking too much time, as I no longer have hours to fill staying out of W's way, so i found a new routine that changes up the method of lifting to do more with less sets per exercise and time. So far, its a killer (in a good way) and about half the time investment. We will see if it works as intended, keeping the weight/bodyfat where I want them (athletic) and strength and flexibility improving.
I am finding trying to help others here is really getting me to improve myself, to look at things differently, to re-assess things, to solidify my understanding, growth and discovering new things to look at within, new reality checks. It also sometimes re-opens old things not quite properly dealt with. This is good. I want the baggage carousel as empty as possible for whatever comes in the future.
Thank you everyone here for all your help, I appreciate it more than I have words for.
Oh, and I have progressed enough to start writing music and songs again, and even about this whole ordeal. I can look at it without breaking up/down, and see it for what lessons can be learned, the meaning of love, commitment, mental illness, etc. And I have my journal to draw from for when the lyrics or music need the raw/confused/pain feeling...I can go "there" and come back again.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
