Dealing with the reality of separation

[PeteWyo]

So I am starting a new thread since my situation seems to be moving into status quo territory. My original thread can be found here:

Still together but trying to save this

I could use some advice on how to manage separated life. I am pretty lonely but still doing my 180s and finding the silver lining. I want my W back so much but I don't know how long to wait. I know that I am not as far in as a lot of others. It is hard because I am receiving so much support and I am coming to the realization that I have options out there if I want them. I don't. But the temptation to start fresh with someone is there. At the end of the day, I believe in my M and am willing to wait. I guess it is just frustrating.

[PeteWyo]

So learned through my in-laws that the OM and my W are definitely in a R. I am taking it bad. I know that nothing has really changed and I assumed that was the case anyway. But some small part of me had hoped that she was on her own and just needed space to figure out her feelings. I know now that is not the case. I guess knowing is better than wondering and hoping. I can't deal with any more false hope. Last of her things will be moved out today. Time to accept reality I guess and move on.

[jbnati]

fuanacdc, I will confess up front that I am not familiar with your situation.

However, that being said, in regards to the separated life, my advice would be to get out and GAL. Make your life great. You won't be as lonely, and there's a chance it may make you more interesting to your W. However, I do want to emphasize that the GAL'ing is for YOU.

It's not over until YOU say it's over. You have a choice to make a this point - do you want to end the M or do you want to wait and see how the A plays out. It does say in DR that a lot of As have a 6 month lifespan.

You may be watching your W too closely and may benefit from detaching some more.

Hang in there!

[PeteWyo]

It's not over until YOU say it's over. You have a choice to make a this point - do you want to end the M or do you want to wait and see how the A plays out. It does say in DR that a lot of As have a 6 month lifespan.

I do have a lot of issues with this. I'm not sure what I really want here. I know that I believe in my M and I love my W. Well, as more time passes I have learned that maybe I love the idea of my W more than my W. I'm not sure that I ever really knew who she was. Hearing all the things that she said about me to her friends and family about me and never brought up to me is a bit hard to handle, especially when they weren't accurate. It is telling that all of "her" friends are now my friends. I come to find out that she told her mother that she doesn't understand why I can't just be friends with her and the OM. The OM was my "friend" and our other friend's fiancee, so we all know each other quite well. How delusional is that?! What fantasy world is she living in where she thinks that will ever happen? She will never be happy until she takes some time to work on herself. She shouldn't be dating or married to ANYONE right now. I am, or at least was, willing to stand by her side and help her work through her issues and our M. But if she thinks that this guy is the answer then I have no idea what is going on. She will figure that out, I have no doubt. It might take years and I am not sure I am going to wait around for that. While they are still doing their thing, her feelings will never change and I simply don't think I am willing to wait around for too much longer. There is someone out there that deserves me and I don't think it is my W at this point. Sorry, I am bitter today.

[jbnati]

It is telling that all of "her" friends are now my friends. I come to find out that she told her mother that she doesn't understand why I can't just be friends with her and the OM. The OM was my "friend" and our other friend's fiancee, so we all know each other quite well. How delusional is that?! What fantasy world is she living in where she thinks that will ever happen?

Yes, that is pure lunacy. What kind of friend treats you like that?

It sounds like you may have a decent idea of what you really want out of a M. Do you? I would say you're not getting it right now, and it sounds like you're saying you may never get it with your W.

She will never be happy until she takes some time to work on herself. She shouldn't be dating or married to ANYONE right now. I am, or at least was, willing to stand by her side and help her work through her issues and our M. But if she thinks that this guy is the answer then I have no idea what is going on. She will figure that out, I have no doubt.

Sadly, she's shooting herself in the foot right now. There's also a chance she will discover the OM is not the answer and she will try another OM to see if that's the answer. My W is doing something very similar. TBH, I get little nuggets that tell me she's a total mess right now. For me, it does make it a little easier to "let go and let God."

I think the best thing you can do is to continue working toward being the best possible fuanacdc you can be. Prepare for the next relationship, whether that's with someone else or your W.

[PeteWyo]

It sounds like you may have a decent idea of what you really want out of a M. Do you? I would say you're not getting it right now, and it sounds like you're saying you may never get it with your W.

I actually have very low expectations. All I ever wanted was a woman that would support me in my times of need, laugh with me, and stand by me. There are bound to be ups and downs, good times and bad and we would almost certainly have fallen in and out of love multiple times, but in the end it would be worth every last second. Instead I get the one that runs away the first chance she has a crush on someone and then tells me what a great man I am and that I always treated her really well.

Thanks for the sound advice, I am going to continue to work on me and make sure that I am in a great place for whoever my next R is with. I do have some things that I want to work on and my anxiety is one of them. I have come to terms with my anxiety and have it under control in the short term and I am also going to counseling to figure out the long term solution as well.

[PeteWyo]

So I had a friend ask me something last night that I have been thinking about. He asked me that if she wanted a divorce then why hasn't she filed papers yet. For a split second I took that as encouraging. Then I thought about it and there are two other options to consider. I am still paying for her health insurance and her employer doesn't offer insurance. And number 2, she wants to see if this thing with the OM works out and wants a backup option to come back. Maybe it is a little from all three columns but I feel like I am being used a bit here.

[PeteWyo]

I need to get out of town. I drive around all day terrified that I will see my W and OM together, in the store, on the road, out to dinner. I don't think I could handle that.