HI, I'm not sure I'm able to post a "short" version of my story. But will try to catch you up. I do notice a lot of people “journal”, I may do that too, so you can get more of the story, eventually.
Married 21 years. I'm 41, H is 43. One DD 15 yrs.
Split 10 years ago when H decided he wasn't happy. DD was 4 almost 5. I fell apart and did everything wrong. Found Divorce Busters, implemented and he came back within 6 months wanting to come home. We did see a marriage counselor.
Marriage has been fine up till 2 1/2 years ago. H was hurt at work. Ruptured a disc in neck and injured shoulder. Had 1st surgery Dec 2010; shoulder reconstruction Jan 2011; I had surgery Feb 2011 (after a fall); then H had second shoulder surgery after fall in our house.
He is not the same man he was 3 years ago. I know that. I understand that. But at the same time, I didn't know how to fix it or what to do, so I just encouraged him. My personality is to always look on the bright side. The glass is half full. He sat at home in his man cave (the basement) and thought about all the stuff he couldn’t do – because of his injury and because of lack of money.
Workers Comp payments stopped as soon as doctor released him. He lost his job because he couldn't make a "meaningful return to work". He has permanent restrictions, no lifting over 20lbs and no over head work. But honestly, he can't lift milk out of the frig with his arm and now says his shoulder hurts as much now as it did when he first injured it.
I melted down in January 2012 and told him I couldn't handle all the bills alone anymore. I was just feeling overwhelmed. Daughter was having normal teenage girl stuff (drama - nothing major) and I was feeling the weight of everything, after 2 years, on my shoulders. I tried to never complain or nag or whine about our situation because I knew it was out of his control, and I was encouraged because we own a Lawn care company and I knew this would be his chance to grow it and it be a full time job (he's been doing it sort of part time for extra hunting money for about 4 years – but long term goal was to be his main source of income eventually). BUT, at the same time, I resented the fact that he COULD get a job of some sorts during the winter to supplement the missed months of lawn service. Again, I thought he may be depressed.
February 2012, I knew something wasn't right. Even told my boss there was something wrong. Again, he's not the same man I married. He's bitter and almost mean, withdrawn. (I do have to mention, he hasn't slept in the bed with me since his first injury in 2010. He tried, but couldn't get comfortable with his neck and shoulder. He would try, but felt like he kept me up all night with is snoring or tossing and turning and I had to get up and go to work. Yes, he would make “visits” to the bed, but rarely slept a whole night there. And I’ve heard a lot of people say after that kind of shoulder surgery, it was easier to sleep in a recliner). Middle of February, my job was deleted. After almost 20 years with one company, I was deleted and was devastated. H encouraged me to take my time and find something I really wanted. I got 5 months’ severance, so we had a little time. Then two weeks later he gets a letter from his long term disability company that it was ending the end of June. He wanted to fight it, but honestly, the jobs listed on the form are jobs he could do. I didn’t agree with him and his reasoning so I didn’t help him with the forms and never talked to him about it, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He contacted his lawyer and he referred him to a social security disability lawyer to help start that process. End of July 2012 – I received a REALLY good job offer. Making $10,000 more than I was at job that I was at for 20 years. He seemed relieved and excited for me. I even got an email from him that said how much he loved me and proud of me and how much he appreciates me taking care of him and our DD Oct 2012 – He came home October 3 and gave me the “I’m not happy speech”. Said he’d always love me, but he couldn’t live like this anymore. Didn’t I notice he spent all his time alone in the basement. He was a man and couldn’t even provide for his family. I’d be better off without him, with someone who could love me like I deserved to be loved. I let him leave. He already said he had a deal worked out with a customer to live in his empty house and help remodel it. I didn’t argue. I even thought it might be for the best. Give us each some space. October 12 DD received a call from a school friend and a picture showing him with AW at a local favorite restaurant. She called and confronted him. He said he was an adult and he could see who he wanted. She was his friend. At the same time, I was having a conversation with a friend who was telling me that OW’s father was telling me at a local community ball park that my H was living with OW! He came to my house that night to talk about it. He said he was sorry. He didn’t leave me for her. He had been “gone” for a year. She wasn’t a bad person. Yada, yada, yada. All he could say was he was sorry. I couldn’t leave it alone and finally figured out who she was. I knew her when we were younger. He met her at the bar they both worked at and she’s my age. For two weeks I had done so good to leave him alone, give him space, etc. This really hit me hard. I became obsessed to find out how much he had lied to me. I found her number on my cell phone records starting July 22. Lots of pictures and almost as much texting as DD. AND he talked to OW more on our 21st anniversary than he talked to me.
I’ve seen a lawyer. H is agreeing to give me the house and everything in it except his hunting stuff, a Boise Radio, his truck and his old 4-Runner. He has also agreed to pay more in CS than 21%. And he is adamant that it will be civil and we will be friends.
I’m not sure I want him back. Some days I do with all my being and then days I feel like he had a chance 10 years ago, I took him back and he’s doing it all over again… only proof this time of OW. I have lost my best friend and that hurts worse than anything else. You all know how it feels to have a WASpouse …
I KNOW what to do, its just taking my own advice (I’ve even given DD divorce busters advice). But in my heart of hearts, I don’t know what I want. I told my lawyer that I want to get his signature on the MDA and PP, but then sit on it till I’m ready to file. Our state makes us wait mandatory 3 months, but he is moving fast with OW.
Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for any encouragement, advice, recommendations in advance.
