But now? WHAT am I to make of this? I'm so confused by his behavior! Little things like getting up to meet each other at the door, welcoming the other home with hugs (and kisses), being genuinely happy to see the other again... ALL those things mean so much to me. They are just one way that I feel loved and cared for... Does he really not know how much it hurts to have him do these things when he still says he wants a divorce?
Is it possible the detaching is working? I know I can't backslide regardless, but it would be nice to have an idea...
It's probably the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. Detaching involves distancing from the WAS and much of the time the WAS will respond by pursuing. You have to be careful not to overreact, because if you do then he will see it as pursuit and go right back to distancing. Have you read the squirrel analogy?
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.
Originally Posted By: FierceHope
I think I need to find a new counselor / therapist!
I had another appointment this afternoon, and I do NOT think he is helping me. I feel WORSE after leaving. What kind of person actually ADVOCATES snooping simply because my husband wants out.
It sounds like it. Have you considered a DB coach? It can be really tough finding a good solutions- based counselor.
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While I don't have an actual person to "compete" with, I think it's nearly as hard competing with an "idea" of a better, happier life! It's a betrayal of our marriage vows either way!
Exactly. It's the same for me, no OM but I'm sure my W has a vision of a Prince Charming just waiting for her out there. It's hard to compete with imaginary perfection!
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Does anyone have a smidgen of encouragement for me? Is there any hope for a reconciliation? My therapist doesn't believe so...
Neither did mine. She flat out told me her job was to help me move on even after I told her the whole reason I was there in front of her was to do everything I could to save the M. This place is the only place you'll find hope, everywhere else you turn they'll tell you to "move on". Our society is totally anti-marriage. Don't get discouraged because of that!
