I think I might have given you the wrong impression by my use of "ego"...I did not mean ego as in "That dude has an out of control ego", but rather this:
1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves. 2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
The part of all of us that is wounded, embarrassed, fearful, tries to control external reality, that says "should". I hope that clears things up, and I apologize if you took my ramblings as I thought you were egotistical, I don't. I see in your writing that you still are trying to control things quite a bit, and I get that, I was there for a long time, and still slip and slide with that sometimes. I see improvement from your early posts, but it's tough, i know. Sort of like you still have God in the co-pilot seat a lot, when He needs to be in the pilot's seat full time, and you in the co-pilot's... I hope that conveys what I intend...
The ego work I was referring to was the part of me that was hurt, shamed, humiliated, emasculated, and crazy with needing to know what W was up to, and even getting paranoid....that when at work or whatever, that guys were looking at me like "Oh, you're T^2, I know all about YOUR wife, HA!" (W was really into the vidchat and phone sex on adult hookup sites, and went from safer long distance to local, based on the caller ID history when I still snooped)...anyway...came a point where I was so butthurt and paranoid that something woke up and said..."WTH am I allowing this person to control my feelings, my days, my experience??? I can't control a free human being, she is not my chattel, these are her, unfortunate, choices. And why is again I give a rip what other people think, I wasn't big on that through most of my life, so why now??? What is wrong with me?" This was the beginning of me taking back MY power, and my own journey. that's what I meant by ego and working with it, and what there is to find there.
My W's mlc started in 2008 when her father died, closing the door to resolving issues from her childhood (detailed in my first thread). of course, this is piecing things together in hindsight. Her first dive into replay was summer of 2009 to fall 2010. Yes, there was a brief PA, but the EA that went on and on hurt worse. I made a lot of changes and OM showed his true self (and yes, definitely affaired down...way down in quality of person). Things got better, but she was still troubled, and I didn't help by slipping in my changes, and we commenced phase 2...this round I do not know if anything went PA, but there were at least 3 EA type OMs, based on her behavior and the time she was flaunting it, and some of my own snooping then after my oldest discovered the "stuff" she left behind on his computer (which I took the blame for, she doesn't know he discovered it yet, as far as I know). This round she also went full bore with the wanting to leave ILYBNILWY, venomous spew, cutting me off, etc.
Forgiven her? Yes, FOR MY SAKE, and the kids' sake, then hers. It took a long time to find that within myself, and a lot of "ego" work, and faith in God, life, myself, her, "us". I had to look long and hard into the mirror, and a lot of self re-assessment, to truly find that within myself.
I hope that answers your questions some.
A couple of comments:
-I have known quite a few couples with an open marriage and Genine's behavior is unusual in my experience...usually open M/poly couples are VERY clear and adamant about keeping things above board, that the spouse knows and is okay with what will happen, before it happens. Just my experience.
-About her "toys"- If things were great between you and none of this was going on, what would you think of them then?
- STOP SNOOPING - For YOUR sanity!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
