The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

Need to vent...sorry...this may be rambling...

Just got off the phone with H. We never talk on the phone, but he asked if he could talk to discuss kids. (will give details after the build up...)Ever since court, my kids have been very upset at the idea of them having to leave their home and head to grandmas house where my H is living. It has caused great anxiety to them, even though I have told them that it may not be so bad if they go. They are very angry with their dad and have next to NO relationship with their grandparents. They have expressed that it would be different if he had a place of his own.

Last night, my D14 was very upset. She was crying a lot and really missing dad, so she called him. They had a very emotional conversation together about him needing him home and begging him, which gets no where. She is so desperate for him to live here again and although she knows its not happening, she still is having a really hard time with it all. She asked him if she HAS to come with him on weekends to see him and that she doesn't want to. They discussed the S and he told her that right now, things are terrible and bad but that they will get better in time. She will feel different one day and that she needs to look for the good things that may come from our D. (I hate that he tries and tries to make it all sound so normal and easy for them...)

After they hung up, she came in my room sobbing. I asked if there were other things wrong and she said no. I just got the sense that something else was bothering her. She just said things like she wishes her dad would sign over rights to her and her sister and never be in her life again...and that she hates him, he ruined her life, etc. I had a nice talk with her about how we will all get through this and that she is upset right now and saying things she doesnt mean. She cant understand how her dad wont miss the holidays with her and all the fun times with our family and extended family. ETC...this went on and on...

So...this morning, I decided to read her journal to see what else is going on...and I find out that my D14 smoked pot last week and LOVED IT. She also almost had sex with a guy this weekend. Now, I always know who she is with, what she is doing at all times...but obviously, I dont know know the details of what she is doing. Im in a rut now...I feel awful and Im devastated:( She is a straight A, honors student who has never been in trouble or done anything wrong...is this path because her dad left??

I ironically recieved text from H this morning, which lead to him asking if he could call me. H called and I did an excellent job of letting him talk, not blaming, not asking about our R or anything. This is how our convo went....

H says that he made a big mistake in court about support $$ and that he was too generous. He said the even his lawyer said he was too nice to me. He says he messed up and now he has NO money to move out on his own. He is left with very little after paying me and bills that he has...so he will be stuck in his parents house in a room for the next year. (at this point, I wanted to say..that was your choice..but I bit my tongue, as I did a lot during this convo). He then said that he will not force our kids to come there and stay if that is not what they want to do, so he needs my help to figure out what to do with them when he does have them on weekends. He said that he is at a loss, but needs to be with them. (another tongue bite) and he then proceeds to say that he knows I will probably say NO, but he wants to know if there is any way that maybe he can stay here and I leave for a night so he can be with them.

Now, I know that this is not happening, but instead I just answered that maybe that is something I could consider. I was trying to be nice..and not angry and mean. Other things he said during convo were:

That I am parenting the kids so that they will never heal. nicely accused me of telling them that this trauma will stay with them forever. I do NOT tell them that, although I do believe that it will remain with them forever.

That this is just a blip or a speedbump in our lives and they will all soon be better with time

I need to recognize that I have put them in situations that have heightened their sense of trauma (by driving by OWs house)...this I do agree was WRONG on my part and I have advised him and kids that I should not have done that

Admitted that he has tons of guilt because of how sad his kids are

Says that he would be back and living here if he thought for one minute that he and I could work things out, but he knows we cannot.....to that I just responded that I was sorry he felt that way.

We ended our convo and he just said that he had to get to work. I told him to have a great day.

So, I did pretty good with letting him do most of the talking, not blaming or being angry. I must say, there were lots of times that I wanted to yell.."this was your choice" or "you did this to us" or something..but i didnt. I was as cordial as I could be.

I did mention that I was equally upset about d14 but I did NOT tell him about the pot or sex yet. I just want to talk to her again tonight to see if she will admit anything to me. I dont want her to know I read her journal and I dont want H to think that Im blaming him for making this happen becuase he left...

Im feeling confused today...very, very sad over my D and really just lost.

Does anyone have advice on D? and if I should consider letting H here to see kids? I don't think I should have to leave my home for him when he left us. What about him saying that he would be back if he thought we could work? And his guilt...just over the kids? I think its over the whole thing...

Should I tell him about what I read in Ds journal?

Part of me is thinking that he is starting to see what he has lost...and another part of me thinks that because he is now having to stay at his parents for a year, he will never get that "on his own" feeling, so he will just wait until he can do it.

Lots of questions today..sorry..just very conflicted and upset about my discovery and where things could head for my D14:(