You know, there is something else bothering me. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I need legal help. I do. However, all the people in my life are pushing me to get a D very quickly. One person even said, the one who jumps first, wins. I thought to myself, wins? What do they win? There is no winning in this situation. Only losers. Will I likely wind up with a D? Probably. However, I want it to be on my terms, when I am ready. Does that make sense? Or am I just kidding myself? Am I better off making the break now? I just don't know. I had originally set May as my timeline to really decide.
Also, I found it ironic that H said I was controlling but now XW1 seems to be way worse than I ever was. I sort of controlled by default because often he wouldn't act. She is giving him very bad advice. Or bad for him. Self serving for herself. I wonder how long that will take to sink in with him? That is one of the things that perplexes me. It's almost like how can he NOT see it? Will it take seeing it in writing from a judge? Or will that inflame him even more? Will everything still be "my fault" One of our biggest issues is that he never seemed to accept responsibility for anything not even his own actions.
Will he feel the loss emotionally of not seeing his kids? So far he hasn't seemed to. It has just been me, me, me and the high of it all. Not sure if any of this is making sense. I am just putting it down here journaling.
Yes, I know I am trying to second guess things and his feelings. I think the anxiety is not helping me. It seems to be counter productive and keeps me caught in this stupid loop. Problem is, the meds knock me out and I have far too much to do today.
