I can't begin to thank all of you for your advice and guidance. This has been a life saver for me, as I'm not ready to tell any family/friends about what is going on...I've been spending a lot of time reflecting, going through some sadness, some anger, and making plans for the future. I'm sure I have a long road ahaed of me, but it will get better.
I definitely do not want to tell the kids the reason "why" - I don't want them to hate me as the messenger, and I don't know if they'll actually want to know that right now...
I'm having trouble detaching, but getting better at it each day that goes by. I'm not constantly checking the cell phone usage on the website like I was in the last few weeks - I still check daily, but not every 10 minutes...and it's hard to detach when we're still going along like nothing is happening (he has no idea that I know, and I'm not saying anything until talking to legal counsel).
BTW - I have my first talk with a lawyer today - it's a free 1/2 hr phone consultation for a family legal center, and I have my questions lined up. I also have asked my sister-in-law if she knows of divorce attorneys or mediators (under the pretense for my friend), so we'll see if she has someone to recommend.
I've done a lot of soul searching, and there are only 3 options that I see for me: 1) After speaking with and reatining a lawyer, going for immediate divorce. Pros would be I don't have to pretend I'm the clueless wife anymore - Cons would be it could be a financial and emotioinal mess (especially with the in-law situation)
2) After speaking with and retaining a lawyer, going for a solution to paying off our debt together - I would be willing to stay in the house with H as we work to pay off the debt, so as not to uproot my children and needing to find an immediate place to stay. I don't know if an agreement could be drawn up that H & I could sign, saying we would both pay off debt, etc, and maybe have specific nights where we are "off duty" (for example, I could have Mon, Thur, Sat nights off to go out and do what I want while H watches the kids, and H could have Tues, Wed, Fri nights "off duty" where I watch the kids - I'm going to ask the awyer today about this, not sure if this is what a separation agreement/procedure may be like?).
3) H begs me to not end the marriage - I don't honestly know if this is possible for me at this point, but I would be willing to go to counseling if he wanted to. If anything, I will need to learn to at least get along with H, as if we divorce, we will always be in each others lives. HOWEVER, this would require from H: - agree to couple and individual counseling - full, complete disclosure of everything and 100% transparency going forward. This means I check phone records everyday, I check his private inbox every day, I get to ask him, whenever I feel the need, questions and he will need to be transparent. He will have to agree to have him question him when he "goes out with the guys". - I may even need him to leave his job and find other work (she works there, and probably will not leave). - He will have to have his paycheck direct deposited into our joint account, and draw out what he needs from that (currently he gives me most of his paycheck he cashes each week, and keeps $150 for "his" play/spending $$). He has complained that I do not go over the bills with him, or I take care of it all, but when I've tried to give him bills, he says no, why don't you keep paying it. - He will need to do his own laundry - if he wants me to do it, I will charge $20 (30, 40)/week - He will need to be there for me, when I need him - He will come to our kids drs appointments (another stressful thing I mentioned, my S9 was diagnosed with arthritis, and had to have a proceudre on his knee. H came for the procedure, but I've taken S to Dr, Rhematologist, Opthatmologist, etc by myself). - He has to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to win my love and affection back. - He needs to take me out a minimum of once/week (I don't care if it's movies, coffee shop, whatever) - he has to be the one to plan and coordinate it, not me.
This is just a list that I've started in my notebook, so I'm sure I will add to it. I really don't think H will choose option #3, but it's good to have a list that I can refer of what is important to me...
On a positive note, I am feeling really good about my appearance and weight and I'm more mindful of keeping the changes going. Yesterday, I had 6 people at work complement me about how great my hair looked, or how much they liked my outfit/jewlery - boy did that feel great! My D12 is overweight, and she wants to jog around our neighborhood right after school, as she's been losing some weight too. H didn't like this, but she's responsible and she won't be out for more than a 1/2 hr, so I'm letting her do it. One of her friends is coming with her, so I think they will be fine and watch out for one another.
Again, thank you for listening and for all your advice. I hope I can give back as much as I have received already...
