Making it work, for me

[sweetbabyred]

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

I'm trying so hard to believe this, but it's hard when half of what they do is move into an apartment (which I knew was coming eventually), but without asking for any feedback from me.

Back in August, even when H was so mad at me for some unknown reason, he asked me for my opinion regarding S and custody/child support. And now he's making long term plans without so much as mentioning them to me. For all I know, he could be moving into my apt complex, although I'm pretty sure he's still staying on his side of town, since all of his friends/OW are there.

Whenever I think I'm doing better at detaching, something happens and makes me realize I still have a long ways to go. It's been a while since I've cried myself to sleep. Not sure how much was about H and how much was about MIL.

[LaPoo]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's been 6 months since the bomb was dropped on me and I'm not sure where H and I will end up. I do know that you, I, we are doing all that we can to save our R or we would not be on this site. But we have to save ourselves as well. Here's some advice from Dr. Phil on the stages of healing from a broken relationship.

There is NO neat little formula where you enter the time you were together and the intensity of your relationship or marriage to find out how long to recover. Healing a heartbreak does take time; sometimes weeks, sometimes months. The good news is that you WILL recover, heal and get over your ex.
The following guide will help you get your bearings on the road to healing, happiness and love. This model is loosely based on The Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief. Just remember, even Dr. Ross said that she had never meant for the stages of grief to “help tuck messy emotions into neat packages“. Yes, breakup can be a messy business. Everybody is different so please interpret each stage loosely because there will be variations. You might skip a stage, or slide back on occasion. Use the Guide as a general road map of what to expect during your divorce or your breakup.
Remember, YOU ARE NORMAL. What you feel is absolutely normal. Don’t expect your friends and family — especially the “happily” hitched ones to really get how you feel. It can be a lonely journey. Outsiders do not understand this, and many feel that it should be time for you to “get over it” and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your feelings of sadness at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally, it’s just people around you often don’t understand and can’t fully relate to the turmoil you’re going through.
1. Shock and Denial
“This can’t be happening to me!” The reality hits hard but you don’t feel much at first, just a numb disbelief. The initial state of denial is a self-preservation mechanism that kicks in to save you from the sharp sting of the pain. The shock wave is like an airbag protecting your from the hard blow of the divorce or breakup news so you don’t collapse overwhelmed under the weight of the harsh reality. This may last several days to several weeks.
2. Guilt and Pain
“What is happening to me??” The initial shock is replaced by excruciating pain and suffering. The biggest mistake is to try to avoid the feelings, get numbed by alcohol, pot, pills or denial because it will only prolong your suffering. No matter how difficult or unbearable it feels, experience it. Whether it’s guilt, sorrow, or anger, let it wash over you. This is the time when all those thoughts of what you should have done and/or said to avoid the breakup surface. Life at this stage feels scary and out control and you sometimes wonder how you’ll make it through another day.
3. Anger
“Why is this happening to me? It’s not fair!” You reach a turning point when you realize that something must change because you can’t go on like this. Rage and anger become the dominant feelings. It’s easy to lash out and blame yourself, your ex, and the whole world for your misery. As with guilt and pain, the easiest and quickest way to healing is by releasing the emotions, not bottling them up. You feel what you feel and it is OK. Find a healthy outlet and vent all the anger: punch a pillow, do a daily intense workout routine, write a private journal, seek help of a professional counselor or even a trusted friend.
4. Reflection and Loneliness
“I don’t care what’s happening.” This is the darkest hour before dawn — the quiet, sentimental time of loneliness, sadness and depression when nothing and nobody can cheer you up. It’s paradoxically often the time when your friends and your close family think now is the time to “get over it“, move on and be happy. You will likely be overtaken by a long period (sometimes weeks, sometimes even more) of reflection. Just remember, it is NORMAL to go through this stage. In spite of the well-meaning advice and encouragement you may get from people around you, you WILL feel sad and prefer solitude.
You will finally realize and experience the magnitude of the breakup and you will feel depressed and frightened by the future. Often you will get overwhelmed by memories of the lost love and you may feel emptiness and despair. Finding another partner, even just dating again feels impossible, scary and repulsive. This stage often takes the longest to go through.
5. The Turn
“Well, [censored] sometimes happens.” This is the first turn for the better and the first sign of relief. You slowly adjust to the role of being single again and little by little your life becomes more stable, calmer and more organized. The physical pain subsides and the dark cloud of depression lifts. This is often the time to look for breakup advice, tools and techniques to speed up the recovery.
6. Rebuilding and Hope
“Good things could happen to me.” You take practical day-to-day matters into your hands again. You realize that the divorce or the breakup is NOT the end of the world and that in fact, your ex may not have been THE ONE. Life without your ex becomes OK because you reconnect with your family and your close friends. You start laughing again as you develop new interests and discover new life adventures.This is THE PERFECT time to take that beer-brewing class, brush up on your French, learn to sail, visit Costa Rica, write a journal about your trip to Machu Picchu, take singing lessons, try stand-up comedy, take a project management course that may help you land that promotion…

"Keep the best, happiest memories as guide for your next relationship"
This is the time when you feel (again) that life not only goes on, but it’s fun and definitely worth living.
7. Joy and Love
“Look what’s happening to me!” At this last stage you finally realize that you don’t have to forget the breakup or your ex. You simply have to forgive your ex (and yourself), let go of the bad memories while keeping the best, happiest memories as guide for your next relationship. Given the severity and turmoil you’ve been through happiness and love may not come instantly but eventually you will live, laugh and love to the fullest since through the process you were able to release all the emotional baggage of your past. Trust that good things ARE in fact coming YOUR WAY!

[sweetbabyred]

I just finished reading a book called "Succeeding when you're supposed to fail". A lot of it really reminded me of our (LBS's) sitches.

Basically, there are two types of people-externalizers and internalizers. Externalizers feel that everything that happens is because of fate, luck, other people, etc. Internalizers accept that no matter what happens, they have the opportunity to choose how to respond to it.

There was a story about an Israeli major who was captured and spent his time running 4 miles a day (in figure eights in his cell!), finding all the prime numbers between 1-1000, and when transferred with other prisoners, had them teaching each other all the skills, knowledge they had to keep them occupied.

Some of the prisoners were actually a little disappointed when they were told they would be released in three days because they'd made plans two weeks out!

It reminded me a little of the Stockdale Paradox. The major knew he had no control over if/when he'd be released, but he knew that he controlled how he spent his time. He actually looked back on that time as something good that taught him he could make it through anything.

In short, successful people view things differently. They view challenges as opportunities to help them learn and become better people. They don't give up even when the world seems to be against them.

I'm going to keep living my life and working to improve myself. The last 18 months have taught me that I wasn't living my life to the fullest extent and I don't want any regrets at the end.

Whether H decides he wants to work on things is beyond my control. But I can make sure that I learn how to be a better person and a better partner. I can choose to face my fears and not hide.

[sweetbabyred]

I had a good weekend. I spent Friday getting a manicure, pedicure, and a haircut. It was nice and relaxing.

Yesterday, I worked at a festival for a few hours. Normally I would leave as soon as I'm done working, but instead stuck around with a co-worker and had a few beers while watching the concert.

I'm trying to venture out of my comfort zone. In less than week I've got the mud run, so that'll definitely be a departure.

[sweetbabyred]

I sent H an email yesterday, letting him know what he owed for car insurance and asking him to let me know if/when he decided to get insurance on his own.

I also let him know that I would be canceling two of the three joint credit cards shortly and wanted to give him advance notice, as he had asked, even though he's known that I'd do it for awhile.

No response to the email, but he rarely does respond so it's no surprise.

I canceled one card this am and texted H to get the account number of the Amex since I don't have a card, but the account is under my name. He immediately responded, saying he's on his way to the airport, but would give it to me soon. I thanked him and wished him a safe trip.

One of my good friends, my only friend who is separated right now, came home on Sunday to a process server with divorce papers. She was completely shocked. I told her I'd be there for her, no matter what she needed, so tomorrow after work I'll be bringing over a bottle of wine and being there if she wants to talk about it or talk about anything else just to try to forget about it.

She has two kids and I'm pretty sure they were trying to work on things, so she was very surprised by this.

[sweetbabyred]

Somehow the surgeon was wrong and MIL has no cancer whatsoever! She'll need thyroid medication from now on, but no chemo or anything like that.

I am so thankful to hear that. She was crying when she told me. It's things like this that help me to realize what's really important in life.

H texted me to let me know and also thanked me for still keeping one of the credit cards open. Guess he's out of his monster phase, for tonight at least.

[sweetbabyred]

I made it through the mud run! I was nervous at first because my running partner had to back out yesterday because her doctor says she's extremely dehydrated. And this am, I woke up at 6am with a migraine, but I refused to give up.

It's really hard for me to go and do things on my own, but signing up for this was a huge 180 for me, so I had to make it there.

It was so much fun! Even though I'm scared of heights, mud, and small spaces, I loved it! I am ready to sign up for my next one, but I loved the obstacles even more than the running, so I'll have to find something similar.

[sweetbabyred]

I just realized that next week is Thanksgiving. The holidays are sneaking up on me!

I remember when I first started DivorceCare back in August and they asked me what my plans were for the holidays. I told them I hadn't even thought about it since they were so far away.

Starting this week, I'll have two jobs until Christmas so the only days off I'll have will probably be Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I have plenty of school projects to finish up so I'll be busy on Thanksgiving.

So even though I won't be spending tons of time at home alone, I still keep thinking that even though we were separated last year, I did spend both holidays with H's family. Things seemed to be going well.

[linz1822]

You are doing such a great job at getting a life. i hope I can start to do better like you. My husband is also living in a different city found out through Facebook he has at least meant somebody he kind of likes. cause he dropped our marriage status i just knew then saw he had a new friend who is 24 and looks like me

Facebook [censored]. I hate that sink in your stomach feeling. I am still holding out hope that he will recognize his mistake and miss me. I was hoping he would be alone for the holiday.

I am proud of you for going back to school. and working. I know in the long run you will be ok.

My husband also says I should move on sometimes others he want to be with me.

My situation feel apart all in one year gives me hope when I see how long all of you have been dealing with it.

The holidays are hard. but you will get through them

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks linz for the positivity!

I'd had plans to go back to school for years and was accepted into the program while I was in India. I was so excited, until I got home and everything fell apart.

I took off last Fall and this summer because I just had too much emotional drama going on to be able to concentrate, but I'm slowly making my way through. I'm paying for it as I go, and with H's income included in the tax returns, I don't qualify for any financial aid, so it'll take awhile.

I know I'll be okay on my own because I've always been so independent. Part of my problem was that I was too independent and didn't know how to be a good partner. I've been learning more about myself over the past year and a half and am definitely not the same person I used to be.

Thanks for saying that I'm doing great at GAL, but realize that it's been a year and a half since my sitch started. I spent plenty of time leaving myself open in case H wanted to spend time with me.

It's only been in the last two months or so that I've realized that he may actually move on completely. I can't sit at home patiently waiting for him to realize his mistake. Maybe he will, but I need to keep growing and living my own life in the meantime.

Yes, FB is horrible for LBS. I'm very proud of myself for not clicking on his profile for about three weeks now. He defriended me, so unless he tags one of our mutual friends I don't see his posts unless I go looking.

I realized that anything I see on there will just p!ss me off, so I don't need to do that, at least not today. One day at a time is all I promise myself. Even if I did see that he and OW broke up, it means nothing unless he contacts me or makes a move. He has to sink or swim on his own, so I might as well stop being a spectator.