MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

Thanks AT for taking time out from your relaxing this evening to respond to me.

You were hitting home so much that I had to read this in increments. Every sentence or so I had to start rearranging furniture to get myself moving, get my mind around some of truths.

I find myself saying "what would I be doing or how would the family be effected right now, or this weekend, if H was gone. Would there be difference? Yea, sometimes more often than not.

Does any of that matter more than him being here...I'm still weighing that one out. I can't admit to anything yet!

As far as my kids, D18 won't care about his life if he leaves, she will detach and let go (so sad), S21 already has no respect for a man who won't help himself, even for the family, S23 thinks it's ridicules to not reach out for help, and has pity, S25 trys everything he can to make it pleasant here for H, not sure about his finally thoughts.

Granted, it is very helpful that I don't have little ones, but these guys are sure set in there opinions. Not my problem...it will be his cross to carry!

I am starting to look at what I would want for my life in my own direction. I made a mental list of what qualities I want in the people I would chose to be around me. H right now doesn't make the list.

A clean break! I do wish it was that simple, money no object I would have left for the SW by now. FIght or flight is always in the front of my mind, I prefer flight because there is no fight, it's just H going about and yes taking me for a ride.

I know he only stays right now because of the money [I think]..maybe it's uncertainty still about leaving his family, idk. He really has nowhere to go or afford to go, if he's find somewhere than I know he really wants this to have looked so hard.

Limbo is not a fun game with leis and music to dance to while laughing with friends, with a drink in your hand. The reality is I am hurting and I need change.