had plenty of nightmares about the kids and woke up really frazzled. For some reason called H ( I have not called him since MAY for anything non kids related and even then it is usually a text, not a phone call).
Then realized why I am I doing this? So i just said to him oh forget it, doesn't matter, then a very old piece of me rose to the surface. The anger.
I got bitchy/passive aggressive. Not about us, not about R, just dumb, ridiculous things.
He even said, have i done something to upset you?
In my head i was saying stop stop.....(and I remembered SD...process the anger so it doesn't bite me in the arse) and i went on for like another minute of ridiculousness and then just said, look i am being ridiculous, better i say bye.
Ugh..i felt horrible, dumb and wanted to just run away from that person (old me).
So i called again about an hour later and apologized. he said no worries. I said no, H. I mean it. There is nothing you did, these are my issues muddled up and i spewed them on you and I apologize. That is not who i want to be.
He said he appreciated that.
So that was fine. I really needed to get myself together. I was surprised at myself.
Then we had a little chit chat and i for some reason asked...if you saw me right now harming myself, and potentially harming the children...but i refused to acknowledge it, would you try and stop me? would you try and get me to see what I was doing, that I needed to stop and heal?
he said yes of course, I would try and intervene.
I said even if I pushed you away? and he said yes.
Then he asked if anything was wrong with me? I said no. I was just asking. and I left it at that. We said bye. And that was that.
When I got home from work, he was here and it was normal. I was normal.
Why did I do that? I know. I needed to hear something. I needed to hear that if the tables were turned, that he perhaps would do the same for me.
Don't worry, i am not going to try and talk to him or anything. just leaving it at that.
I hate that part of me so much. Its time i put her to rest forever. She only damages me and the people I love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I must have made life he!! for H over the years. Not understanding my anger, how to control it... how it hurt when i spewed.
What a lesson I learned today.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Sorry..last one on this subject. Just realizing that i do not want to lose my hard fought changes in myself. No matter what happens in my sitch.
I spent most of my life letting myself being ruled by my emotions. With DB, I finally am starting to learn how to process them instead of bury them, and use my mind in my decision-making.
Today was the reminder I needed to to keep moving forward.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
OMG. Are you sure you aren't living inside my head? For the past two days I have been on the same path and for whatever reason not sure I can make it through another day. I know I will etc., but the same thoughts of how not processing my emotions have been resonating and how I have taken them out on my family rather than own them.
Sorry to tj a bit, but I thought you may want to know that I am walking the same path, although I believe you are ahead by quite a bit!
Hi Ruby! Thanks for coming by. Its so important to not let our emotions dictate our decision. ugh...such a challenge! I hope you are doing well (((( ))))
------------------
H respected a boundary of mine tonight. Was surprised by it.
In the past, after he left for the night, he used to call our housekeeper and ask for things he needed from the house (food, drink, stuff...).
So I asked (had to ask twice), that if he wants/needs something from the house, he should contact me, not our housekeeper, because this is now mine and the kids' house.
It was hard to ask for that. But I realized it had to be done.
So, tonight I received a text from him asking if it was ok if he swung by and took xy and z. I said yes and thanked him for asking me.
Weird, because if he was living here.....of course none of that would be needed. Bittersweet.
It felt nice to be respected like that in that small small way. huh. baby steps.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I must have made life he!! for H over the years. Not understanding my anger, how to control it... how it hurt when i spewed.
Busting,
I am so sorry you had this backslide. But it's over, you realized what you did and you recovered well. It's over now, so please leave it in the past.
It's amazing to me how sometimes you and I go thru similar experiences at the same time.
I just had a huge backslide and spewing episode with my H three days ago - long story and it was very, very painful. I wished I could say, like you, that I am learning to process my emotions and not letting them rule me. In analyzing my behavior, it obviously is not the case with me, but that is not for me to discuss here.
I just wanted to show you my support and thank you for letting me see that it is possible to wrangle this beast. You are proof of it and I hope I can get there some day, since two years and the loss of my H have not been enough to make me achieve this.
(((((Busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Busting - How AWARE you are! You became conscious of what you were doing - your panties were in a bunch and you sorted them out - that's huge in my book. I thought the solution might just be to not wear any!
I wonder too (mischieviously) what seeds you might have planted unintentionally in H's head with your reverse questions.
Close call. Good save. Knowing we want to be different is so abstract as to be meaningless. Change requires identifying the problems as they happen. I suppose there are some folks who can avoid that process, but I can't imagine how.
You mention the parts of yourself that you hate. That's reminding me that our strengths are our weaknesses, and vice versa. These qualities we have that get us into trouble, there's also something about them that is useful in some situations. So, rather than purging parts of ourselves, we just need to work on being more discerning and identifying and using what our strengths actually are in any given situation.
I don't think I'm being very coherent. Must be time to eat.
