Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

First a journaling update:

GAL- I got a phone number on someone that should be able to get me onto a coed volleyball team, woohoo! I use to play a lot of A and AA volleyball- coed, all men, 6 player, 3 on 3, 2 on 2, sand court, etc. I really miss it! Tried her last night but she wasn't in.

I also made contact with a guy in my neighborhood that I haven't talked to in a while, he has a Harley too. He's getting some people together next weekend for a lunch ride and I'm invited They go on group rides a lot, I've been wanting to find a group to ride with and they all live nearby so I'm stoked!

I've been in "bulk mode" in my weight-lifting (supplements, eating like there's no tomorrow, heavy weights with moderate reps), but since W took the scale I didn't know where I was in it. I mean, I can see I'm bigger in the mirror, but wasn't sure on weight. I was over there briefly and jumped on the scale and was surprised to see I've gained almost 20 pounds since BD. Since I'm bulking it's not all muscle, but my waist is reasonably small and I'm planning on starting a cut in December.

If the above make it sound like things are all about "me" right now, well yeah, that's GAL in a nutshell

D15 is D16 now and I'm having trouble remembering that when I mention her W and I went in together and bought her a car, so she's in heaven!

AS, I just love your attitude and approach. It is so even, balanced, practical and controlled.

Thank you so much! I wish I could say it comes easy but I fight the instincts to do something else on practically a daily basis. Probably like most others, I'm constantly second-guessing whether I'm doing the right thing, not doing enough, doing too much, etc.

I know, right? He's already the H I'd never leave!

Thank you, you are too kind I really don't want to go through this again, so hopefully my next R whether it's with W or someone else will be the one that endures!

Man, do I know what this is like! I've been living this for quite some time. All I can say is that you're doing well, stay the course.

I also wanted to say in the times I've been lurking recently that your comments to other posters have jumped out at me. I also love your attitude and approach.

Thanks! Yeah, it's tough isn't it? When I read in DR about how fighting couples need to do 180's and gauge their improvements by how much less they fight, or how calmly they can resolve things without fighting, I just think "yeah, but how about those of us that don't fight, how do we gauge progress?" We just don't have those "big" things to measure progress with.

I agree with JB. AnotherStander, I have found myself looking for your responses through threads occasionally. I hope you take comfort from knowing you are helping many of us as you are working on yourself. Keep up the great work.

Thank you, that really does warm my heart I'm so glad to hear my comments are helping others! I have to admit that often I think I'd love to see my marriage reconciled just as proof to all the wonderful people here that the techniques do work!

I even realised he has been reflecting and he's owning some mistakes.

That is a great baby step, from what I've read that is a big step for the WAS to make and is the beginning of them coming to grips with their contributions to the marital problems and the realization that their spouse is NOT 100% responsible for their unhappiness.

I really do think that with these types of spouses, we do need to reach out. It's just a matter of how, when and how often.
Maybe she might have been more comfortable with that if your S was not there?

I agree with you on reaching out, and this may not have been a good "test" because her PLL is not physical touch. Hers is AoS and QT, both of which I've been giving her as is reasonable given that we're S. It's easier to gauge a response from PT than those though, so that's why I tried that. In the end I think it's going to come down to just asking her where she is in the R, but the timing doesn't feel right just yet.

Hi AnotherStander. I just got done reading your Part I and current thread and, like so many others before me, i wish to congratulate you on your patience.

You read the whole thing? I should be congratulating you on your patience, LOL!

So sorry to hear about your sitch, alcoholism is something I've only had to deal with indirectly through distant relatives but it complicates things so much versus a "regular" WAS. I wish you the best!

What was the name of that one book you mentioned? Was it "The Happiness Project".

The Happiness Trap. Unlike books like 5LL and DR is it not a fast read, but it's worthwhile. I was really struggling with depression and anxiety when I started reading it and it gave some great tips and insights into dealing with these and other emotions.

Also, how is your W dealing with her new puppy?

She seems to be doing OK with it although I think she's getting tired of how "needy" it is. You can't hardly leave it alone for a second. I don't think she gave that much thought when she bought it!

Finally, do you have any vacation time coming up? It sounds like that might be the only way to see a period of detachment given your daily child exchange contacts.

I do, but I'm saving it for Christmas because all the kids will be off on their break. W is out of vacation time, so I don't know what she'll be doing at Christmas.

You have SO much going for you and i Pray that your W realizes it soon

Thank you! That mirrors my own prayers made several times a day! And I always pray for patience too, because as I mentioned in the previous thread I have always been impatient. That's not always a bad thing, if something needs fixing or resolving at work or at home I jump right on it and don't rest until it's done. But a lack of patience is a serious detriment in DB'ing. I also mentioned in the other thread that one of my biggest fears is that I'll get into another R and THEN W will decide she wants to come back. That would put me into a no-win situation where someone gets hurt regardless. So I try to be patient!