He's Just Not That Into You

[Soul.Searching]

Regretful, I have a question,.. I hope you don't mind me asking?

When (Or before) you had the first EA, How did you detach from your H? Was it deliberate? Like a conscious decision? Something that just happened or subconsciously?

Are you as detached now as your were then? If not why do you think that is?

Sorry that was a bunch of questions lol. I'm just curious because it seems the WAS has a easier time detaching. i know you were not a WAS but being detached enough to have a EA must be close to how a WAS is feeling.

[labug]

The reason I stay is because I want to give us a real chance to fix the situation. We haven't been to proper MC, we've been dicking around and not dealing with any of it.

Sounds very familiar.

Has your husband shown in the past that he can "look inside", self-reflect? Does he apologize when he's wrong? Does he or did he in the past let you know when you were crossing his boundaries?

[mamabird]

I realize he was seriously detached by then which is probably why we've been in this sitch for so long.

This is the feeling I started to have a few days before he told me he was going out with OW, and this is why I still hold that he's having an EA with her. On his birthday he was courteous but didn't show any genuine feelings of gratitude or anything else.

H's therapist has recommended this counselor so we'll see. I have told H that we both need to feel comfortable with him (ours is a male too). I agree that H needs to do most of the talking, and I have considered actually preparing a written "opening statement" so that I am sure I communicate exactly what I want to in the way that I want to. Or at least I need to go through the exercise of preparing it so that I'm clear on all of my issues and the sitch as I see it.

When (Or before) you had the first EA, How did you detach from your H? Was it deliberate? Like a conscious decision? Something that just happened or subconsciously?

Are you as detached now as your were then? If not why do you think that is?

Around the time of my first EA, I didn't detach deliberately. I felt very rejected by my H and felt very alone in the M, but wasn't really consciously aware of any of those feelings. Once OM1 came along, it was like shining a light on all of our issues because I saw that not all men were like H and that I didn't have to feel so rejected all the time. I had always had a little crush on OM1 but all of a sudden it turned into a big crush, and I had a hard time getting it out of my mind. Once I finally admitted to myself that there might be something better out there and it might be OM1, that's when I detached from H.

OM2 was more of a distraction from my troubles. He was never going to replace H.

Has your husband shown in the past that he can "look inside", self-reflect?

He thinks he's doing this now, on his own path with his own IC. I'm sure he is... but what he's not thinking is "How did I contribute to this?" The question he is asking is "Is this M meeting my needs?" - which, of course, it isn't. This is why he's landed where he's landed. Because of the questions he's asking himself. I do believe he's also asked himself if the M can change, and I believe he's seen that it can thanks to DB. I think this is why he's willing to give MC a shot. A small positive I guess.

I don't know if anyone has challenged him and asked him the "right" question (How did I contribute to this?). He has shown zero humility and no ability to admit his own shortcomings.

Does he apologize when he's wrong?

Rarely if at all. It's a real problem for me.

Does he or did he in the past let you know when you were crossing his boundaries?

Over the years he has gotten better at this. At first, this was a disaster in our R. I would do something he didn't like - he would sweep it under the rug and eventually it would bubble up and he'd be angry by then. He carried around a lot of resentment towards me for years, probably because he has an internal tape that tells him if he complains he'll be abandoned.

Since BD he has been much better at communicating his boundaries.

[labug]

That's somewhat encouraging.

John Gottman has a list of predictors of marriage failure. You can find it online. Unfortunately I didn't become aware of his work until too late but it might be helpful for you.

Knowledge is power.

[mamabird]

Gottman's predictors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawal). We are doomed if our patterns don't change ASAP. We have all of these present in spades.

[labug]

But he gives you ways to turn that around.

My M did too but like I said I didn't get the tools on how to deal with it until late in the game.

You said you wanted to give it a chance, this might be it.

[hopefulinga]

LA, I read some of his book last year when we started down this path and it helped me. It also scared me because I saw the 4 horsemen in my relationship. Unfortunately, I still do. You have an advantage, at least verbally, in that your H has brought up MC. I still have the book in my secret bag of reading materials.

I've thought a lot about what you've been going through and haven't been able to think of how I would have responded, but not as well as you have. I would have been tempted to find where they were and make a scene.

Even though the details are different, we seem like we are at very similar points with how we are being treated and just how much more of it we can take. I too need some emotional support. I think I've just been too tired to find it elsewhere.

I hope you are able to get some clarity while he's gone.

Thinking of you ((((((LA)))))

[mamabird]

I'm at the point where I am done putting in work for a while. The books I'm reading now are more about happiness and self-fulfillment rather than how to repair a relationship. I need to take a break from the hardcore DB and just heal from this last major affront from my H. I am feeling rather done at the moment. Stick a fork in me.

H did contact me a few times today. First he emailed to ask if S8 was ok (he was sick yesterday), then he texted to ask if we were watching the election. He knows full well we were glued to the television watching it. S6 called him but I had no interest in talking to him, and have no interest in talking to him now. My only contact with him today was to ask him to tell me when he'd scheduled the appt with MC.

I've thought a lot about what you've been going through and haven't been able to think of how I would have responded, but not as well as you have. I would have been tempted to find where they were and make a scene.

Remember that I know exactly who this woman is and could call her or email her any time I wanted to and give her a huge piece of my mind. I know her first and last name, I know where she works, and I'm sure it wouldn't take much to find out where she lives. I could seriously F with her if I wanted to, but I always have to remind myself that I am the bigger person and I don't do those kind of things. Especially since H stooped really low and threatened OM2 and then made up that (unsent) email to my former boss telling him all the details of me and OM2, making it look like a "mistake". H does that kind of sh!t. I do not.

Hopeful, we've been in this together for months. And yes, it's totally frustrating that things seem to be going in the wrong direction. I have to say though that since my H pulled this last crappy stunt, I'm really and truly in a new place of detachment. I am probably not as tired as you are, but I'm completely emotionally burned out. There is not much left right now.

[mamabird]

Just a quick update - H scheduled our MC appt for Monday. He called me and left me a pretty nice message, using my nickname instead of my full name which is a little bit of a good sign. I'm still basically dark with him, although he's returning from his trip today so that will be harder now. At this point though, it's not hard to do NC because I really want nothing to do with him for the time being.

[Breakdown]

Did you get involved in the MC selection? A good one is worth their weight in gold, but unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be an abundance of good ones out there.