MKB, I am so sorry you are going through this. What a nightmare.
Don't know what the rules are in your state, but here in CA we have special dispensation for couples who have been married over 10 years. I believe that if he's trying to cut you off financially, you can sue him immediately for support, because that's what you'd get in a D anyway. You may even be able to have his wages garnished.
Regarding child protective services, I have had the unpleasant experience of having to deal with them. Luckily, the social worker who was assigned to us was fantastic and realized quickly that we were being "punished" by the person who filed the claim. Of course the claim was dismissed as being unfounded. In CA it's a violation of the penal code to file a false claim with child protective services - if that happens, see if it's also true in your state.
You have a lot of support here and your children are all with you. It is going to be tough for the next little while and again I am so sorry. I can't imagine you wanting to DB at all at this point after the way he's treated you. I do think men especially have a tendency to "rebound" and this may be just that, but it doesn't matter. Be strong MKB. One step at a time.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Wow you guys have made me smile! Today has been a good day for me. Not for the kiddos. They are at each others throats with the exception of S14. He seems to be like me today. I woke up to UPS bringing me flowers from a friend :-) Nothing like multi-colored daisies to make a girl smile. They are the happy flower after all. I have a call in to several attorneys. One I have an appointment with. I think I already said that. It has been hard here. I suspect that they don't work on Mondays and with today being election day I am not able to catch anyone in either. My step mother is going to help me with attorney retainer fees so that is good. I actually feel a little better at least knowing the truth. That might sound dumb. I suspect this is rebound. Who knows? Who really cares? At this point as I said before, he would need a come to jesus moment and then still yet the road back would be very difficult and frankly I am not sure I care to invest more time in him and this lost cause of a R. Not only that, I really don't think he has the courage to face the things in himself that really needs to change or to do the hard work I would need to see for me to even be willing to entertain the idea. The stumbling block of course is the children. For them I would consider it. So things are as they were. I suspect I have maybe 2 weeks before he starts on me really hard. Not sure what to do about his previous mental health issues. Of course that will be an issue. They haven't disappeared but not nearly as bad since he is cycling and less depressed atm. With no meds or interventions he will be right back to the same place soon. I guess she can deal with him then. Ironic that the H I had and she had were very different. H mental illness had not appeared yet as extreme as it was with us. Also, the fact that he has no where to really even take them. Where he lives there is only a twin bed and the full bed he sleeps in. So I don't know. I asked him where he was going to visit them or anything and his response was I don't know. Not sure how any parent makes a decision that monumental and doesn't consider their children. That is what really sort of flabbergasted me. I haven't made a single decision in 15 years that I haven't considered them. Even down to something as basic as dinner for the night. It is truly all about him. He feels good right now and that is his only concern. I really do not want them around her. I have no real control over that though. As far as them visiting with him I am going to leave that up to each one of them individually. Hopefully, he will just stay away and it is a non issue. I feel like we all need some time and routine to get settled. He just gets in the way of that. So far, there has been no contact and hopefully it will remain that way. Thanks again everyone for your support.
Oh and the flowers were from my best friend - a girl- no romantic attachment. lol Just wanted to be sure I was honest. I still feel like for the time being, I am married, and will conduct myself as such. Something about integrity. :-) and morality.
MKB, glad to hear you're doing a bit better today. I've been praying for you and your family--a lot. You sound stronger and more determined. Don't be afraid bc things will work out. And don't be afraid to admit you feel like crap. That's okay and completely understandable.
The meeting with the L is paramount. And no contact also is paramount.
I dunno what a judge would think but yes that's how I feel. Still hanging tough. S14 has had several meltdowns this evening. Very worried about him. I have tried talking to him. He's pretty closed off right now. I guess it is to be expected.
I apologize for not posting on others threads. I am still reading just not sure I can offer anything of value. I have some pretty extreme anxiety today. Not sure why. It is more detaching I guess. I am trying to GAL. On my to do list today is my resume, elance profile, and then an in person application. Also, girls have BB tonight. The election has got me all in funk. Not because of the outcome or anything but I am very into politics. H is too. It is weird not having him to talk to or discuss it with. I also wondered if he missed it. I'm sure he did though. Old habits die hard. In my head, I know that the kids and I are better off without him. I am having a hard time convincing myself of that though. I guess this is where the detaching comes in. So this is going on day 3 of no contact. It is actually the longest we have gone since he left. I'm starting to really worry when he does it will be a big blow up. Again, likely just my anxiety. Who knows? Sure is a ride. Saw an interesting quote last night. I wound up printing it out. It said, "Sometimes God doesn't change your situation because he is trying to change your heart." Wow. How powerful is that? And how much can we LBS relate to that? I hope everyone has a good day.
You know, there is something else bothering me. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I need legal help. I do. However, all the people in my life are pushing me to get a D very quickly. One person even said, the one who jumps first, wins. I thought to myself, wins? What do they win? There is no winning in this situation. Only losers. Will I likely wind up with a D? Probably. However, I want it to be on my terms, when I am ready. Does that make sense? Or am I just kidding myself? Am I better off making the break now? I just don't know. I had originally set May as my timeline to really decide.
Also, I found it ironic that H said I was controlling but now XW1 seems to be way worse than I ever was. I sort of controlled by default because often he wouldn't act. She is giving him very bad advice. Or bad for him. Self serving for herself. I wonder how long that will take to sink in with him? That is one of the things that perplexes me. It's almost like how can he NOT see it? Will it take seeing it in writing from a judge? Or will that inflame him even more? Will everything still be "my fault" One of our biggest issues is that he never seemed to accept responsibility for anything not even his own actions.
Will he feel the loss emotionally of not seeing his kids? So far he hasn't seemed to. It has just been me, me, me and the high of it all. Not sure if any of this is making sense. I am just putting it down here journaling.
Yes, I know I am trying to second guess things and his feelings. I think the anxiety is not helping me. It seems to be counter productive and keeps me caught in this stupid loop. Problem is, the meds knock me out and I have far too much to do today.
