WAS vs. LBS

[Crazyville]

Thanks, Soul, for your encouraging words! It's very heartwarming to still be valued here, in spite of being a WAS on a site that is predominantly LBS's. I hope some are able to gain as much from my perspective as I'm able to gain from theirs.

I don't think my H is a compulsive liar. He doesn't do it with anything and everyone. In fact, I'm not sure he does it with anyone but me. He just very specifically lies to me about things for his own personal benefit. Of course, it could be that he lies to others and I'm just not aware of it.

And I have looked extensively into narcissism. It's like they wrote about my life: the codependency, rescuer attitude, even the constant self-doubt and endless searching for something I might have done wrong or could do differently. There's a very good chance he is narcissistic, but it's not like he can take a pill to fix it, and the prognosis for correction is slim. Even the diagnosis is not a definite yes or no, not like he can take a blood test to prove one way or other. Like Accuray said, it's very easy to see someone else in what we read, harder to see ourselves. So I don't quite know what to do with what I've read even if I'm quite certain he is.

BTW, regarding the self-care, funny you should suggest it, but I just got my hair cut and highlighted last week. I had also lost about 15lbs from the deck/stairway project this fall and put on some of my previously-couldn't-fit-into jeans and they fit. So I'm not wearing baggy jeans anymore. I also went out on Thursday night for a glass of wine, and sat for a while watching a wedding party celebrate with the newlyweds. After a while, a very nice looking man asked to sit next to me and we spent a long time chatting, which was quite enjoyable. He introduced me to some of his friends and I was the recipient of a number of compliments. I had no intention of doing anything inappropriate and went home at closing as planned, but it sure felt good to feel appreciated and valued, even at a completely superficial level.

I feel like I need a job outside of the home, but I'm torn because I feel like it's very important to finish my degree right now, plus I believe S12 and I both benefit from my being home for him, so I'm not even applying right now. It's just tough not having the exposure to the social aspect of an outside job.

Accuray, I agree we are adversarial at this point. However, his response/rejection of my input has gone on from day one. Basically, if I think something different than him, out comes the defense/offense, even on things like where to eat dinner.

You're picking a fight here -- why? i.e. "You believe the book, but you don't believe me." Why do you want to have that conversation and where do you hope it will lead? I would bet it would lead to argument and hurt feelings instead of an apology from your H.

Accuray, I'm not understanding the difference between the question that I posed and the ones you're suggesting under your "Socratic Method." I can't see a difference between "Why do you think that doing that will make things better?" and "Why do you think you're able to hear it from her (the author) and not from me?" He wasn't angry when he responded. Neither was I when I asked. It has always been a significant issue for us, long before the animosity developed, so it seems important to have an answer. I'm not hurt or angry by his response. However, it does indicate to me that there's absolutely nothing I can do because I'm not responsible for my mother's choices. I would prefer to know the answer so I don't continue to butt my head against a brick wall.

This isn't that unusual -- for one, men tend to defer to authority. If you tell them not to eat a stick of butter they might ignore you, but if the doctor tells them, they'll come home and share with you this new wisdom the doctor has imparted. You're entitled to roll your eyes, but the good news is that he got the message, right?

So I accept that men and women are different. I'll take you at your word on this topic because you're a guy. My question is: Why would I ever share my thoughts or opinions with my H on anything, if I know he's going to tend to defer to authority anyway? I'm not an authority in anything, so why bother? It seems like the best thing I could do is simply not clutter his mind or consume his time with my amateur perspective on things. It doesn't seem like there's a way to engage with him that doesn't degrade me, you know, in respect to someone of more authority.