Am I kidding myself.

[TSquared2]

One more:

-What if...new woman fell in love with me, and I didn't feel that way, or wasn't ready to completely give up on W, and I had to break new woman's heart? How that feels is rather fresh in my mind, I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

Hang in there through the holidays...the mlc'er can act up with pressures, memories and if people call them on their stuff, etc. I have my spiderman gloves at the ready myself...

[job]

T,
That is exactly why we discourage new relationships while still married and the mlcer is out on the lam. You end up w/a third party and more than likely that person will be hurt in the process.

Hang in there. You'll need Spidey's gloves for sure!

[SunnyBurst]

Hi Hopeful2,

Been there, even went so far as try a singles site for a week or so back in Feb. I was thinking I was just about done. Here is why I didn't continue looking elsewhere, your mileage may vary...

-if I started up with dating, it would probably have done one of two things with W: either pushed her to fully leave, or, she might have tried to reconcile or whatever TOO EARLY, before she was completely done with her crisis. And that could/would lead to another dive down the tunnel at some point in the future...I have seen her do this, I am on round 2, I don't want another. She needs to complete this journey and we will either R or D, but I want any R do be done with clear choice, resolution, not a knee-jerk reaction to competition or whatever.

-what if I got something going with someone else? Then I am in a dilemma, right? Not a big fan of drama these days... lol.

-the example for the kids. Oh, things get rough, so Dad just takes the easy way and runs away to someone else. Not my teaching goal.

-my own values as to what kind of person I am and want to be. Cut and run ain't my idiom.

-do I really think I am ready for a real relationship at this time? REALLY???

-what if I date a needy/mlc'er who won't let go, wants more than is possible, etc...you know, a bunny boiler...

-STDs

-it would then justify all of W's cheating, lies, etc...(oh I said to myself so many times, what's "good" for the goose...).

-did I mention that I don't care much for drama anymore these days??

I know how tough it is, man. I see W every frickin day, and on those days when she's attractive to me...ugh, pain, longing. But you know, maybe this is part of MY journey and lesson...to not be dependent on getting that, or anyone. To be okay on my own, to meet my owns needs. To learn and grow from this challenge and suffering.

Just my 2.5 cents...



T^2

After lasts nights festivities I was just thinking about starting to date since my wife is so proud of her divorcing me a lot of people know and a lot of girls have been approaching me - I was all ready to mess around tonight thanks for talking me out of it T2 !!! c

Also T2 could you read my thread and chime in on what you think I should do ??

Does anyone know where Eric is ??? I miss him and I can't PM him for some reason.

Thanks

Sunny

[Takevowsserious]

T, your posts are great as always!

For me, the loneliness gets tough at times. It's lonely on two levels... 1. that I miss have a romantic relationship and 2. that I specifically miss that R with my H.

No, it's not something I need, but it is definitely something that I want.

It especially hurts knowing that he is going off and doing things that he should be doing with his wife, things he should be doing to enhance and build his M.

And as T so eloquently stated in a previous post, I didn't sign up to be a Buddhist monk in THIS lifetime!

[TSquared2]

Hi TVS,

I miss W too, and hurt, for the same reasons...

But when I still my self and listen to my higher self, then I can do at least the Buddhist monk patience thing, if not the whole package...

T^2

[Hopefull2]

Thanks all for your input.

Snodderly, kind of what i was thinking and to be honest she should be proud of her place, she has made it look very nice. I truly regret even giving her the option to buy vs rent but maybe in the long run it will help her gain some self worth and help her on her journey. And your reminder to us all on persuing a new relationship is well taken.

T2, your well thought out discussion is a good reminder to us all. We must realize the dangers of persuing another relationship but we must also beware that due to our situation we are on a slippery slope ourselves. Lets face it we all want what we do not have right now and that is to be loved and feel appreciated.

Hi Hopeful2,

I know how tough it is, man. I see W every frickin day, and on those days when she's attractive to me...ugh, pain, longing. But you know, maybe this is part of MY journey and lesson...to not be dependent on getting that, or anyone. To be okay on my own, to meet my owns needs. To learn and grow from this challenge and suffering.

Just my 2.5 cents...



T^2

I caught up with your sitch a few days ago and I just have no words. I am not sure how i would deal with the costant contact yet lack of affection. As i have read here somewhere "you don't know how tough you are until you have to be". We indeed are on our own journey of becoming stronger and in the end refined by fire...

Thanks all for your posts..

[TSquared2]

I am not sure how i would deal with the costant contact yet lack of affection. As i have read here somewhere "you don't know how tough you are until you have to be". We indeed are on our own journey of becoming stronger and in the end refined by fire...

Well, I did and do have some help in that certain "personalities" (the alien venomous spew monster, the petulant bratty girl, the control freak, etc) she shows completely turn me off...and for a while last winter I thought I had gone through andropause or something because "those feelings/drives" were NOT there, for any woman, much less W...

But when I get to see the glimpses of "old" W, and some of the improved W...well then it's all back again...

I guess what gets me through is keeping my focus on the big picture or war, not the small things or battles, and a good dose of stoic/warrior philosophy, and a LOT of GAL.

T^2

[Hopefull2]

Wife texts me this morning, "have a nice flight". She rarely texts from work and hasn't initiated where there wasn't something more that needed to be comunicated... Thought to myself this is a good sign:). I am at least on her mind in a positive way...

Get to hotel late and see an email from W.
How she is trying to write me an email telling me exactly what is on her mind and heart but just can't come up with the words. Says it is driving her crazy... Says again have a good trip then thanks me for a nice night out last Saturday...

Early on in our separation she said she would do this, try to identify where we went wrong. Trying not to read too much in this either positive or negative, hoping for positive... But I obviously am having a hard time focusing today... Wait and see...

[TSquared2]

Keep those expectations at zero my friend, please.

I understand the difficulty focusing, I would have the same trouble...maybe get out for a brisk walk and fresh air? A good book that grabs your total attention?

I hate that Sword of Damacales feeling...

Breathe, hang in there!



T^2

[Hopefull2]

Thanks T2,
I think the expectation of bad news and the reality of my moving out of state got to me and i got desperate. I had several texts with W since the email and felt her to be a little short with me. So today i sent her an email. Long post just wanted to throw it out there...

EMAIL To Wife:
"W, I also would like to say a few things in opening myself up to you. First is that I want you to know that I care for you more than anything in this life. I still believe that there is hope for us and that I want to persue every option that at least gives us a chance and that when all is behind us we can look back and say we gave it our best effort, that we didn't just give up. Having said this I know that your hurts are real and that it may take time to work through things in your mind and heart. I am willing to let go, step back and allow you that time and space you need if that is what you want or need. I know that you do not trust counselors but I would say that there are many out there one of which, you might be surprised, could even help you deal with the many things that are deep in your heart and mind. I'm just saying if this was something you thought might help I will support you in it.

I am also willing to work with you and work to find a counselor that may be able to help the both of us to learn to communicate better, to learn to deal with the hurts that we both have. In looking back over our years I can see how many of my actions and attitudes, have caused pain that has been building up. Please believe me when I say I am sorry and that I do believe I can change. That we can "define" a new relationship that works for the both of us. If it is not through a counselor there are many programs and books that we can use that could help us along this path.

You have said recently several time "one day at a time or just live for the day". I may only understand this partially but I do believe that worrying about tomorrow does not help or change anything but I am also a realist in that I do care about what tomorrow brings.

Forgive me if this comes across pushy in any way, that is not my intent. There are some things here that I wanted to say that I fealt would come across "reactionary" if I didn't initiate them first.

I want us both to find the peace and contentment that I do believe is out there. "

Not sure what i am hoping for at this point. I need to stop this feeling of desperation and understand that all my acts of desperation will not work...