Am I kidding myself.

[Hopefull2]

All, Ii is most probable i will be offline for up to two weeks. I will continue to pray for all who are On this journey.

[Hopefull2]

back to civilization.

Journal:
Texted W once while away just letting her know i was thinking about her. No response.
Texted wife when i was back home and thanked her for the meals. Her response was positive and inquired how i did and if i had a good trip. Texted back and forth a bit and ended with her planning on stopping by the house to pick up some mail.
When she came over we visited awhile, talked about her job mainly.
She called later and let me know there was a BD celebration at the social group for a friend, asked if i would be going. I said yes but i would be late.
We met at the social group as she was leaving, talked in the parking lot then gave her a hug goodbye (normal for when we do see each other).

Thoughts of What Next?

I need to stay patient, do not push, give her space. I have been reading Denver_2010 posts from his sitch and trying to learn from others on the Board. I ask myself how much contact I shoud initiate? Most here say none, i have a hard time with that. My W will easily pull back into a shell and because one of the issues in M was that i withdrew from here emotionally i feel that i need to gain her confidence and show her that i do care and can forgive. This will be accomplished only with time.

With my looming move out of state i wonder if she is guarding her emotions knowing that i am leaving??

[Hopefull2]

Journaling:
W came over to drop granddaughter off and we talked for a while, her upcoming surgery (minor per the surgeon), her job. Before leaving I let her know I was having a group of our friends over for dinner and games and invited her to stop bye. I debated inviting her or even telling her but I believe she is pulling into herself and thought it good that she sees I am not and that I would be comfortable with her joining in. No pressure just left it out there. I made plans to stop by her place tomorrow and fix a few things that i had told her previously I would do and I then asked her if I could take her to dinner afterwards to a resteraunt she has told me she liked very much. She looked pleased and said that would be fine. This would be the first time she has taken me up on dinner where it would feel more like a date. I know my time here is limitednandni dRo feel that I am stepping things up a bit but being very cautious to her reactions. I do not want to come across desperate or needy or pushy, I just want to show her that I care about her and the difficult times she is facing.

[reachingHigher]

Hi hopeful! After reading your posts I think you are Careful as well as Hopeful!

It sounds like you are thinking things through well and expressing good interest as well as not coming across as needy.

How did the dinner go?

[Hopefull2]

Thanks RH, i will be the first to admit i have no idea what i am doing. Just trying to apply the principles put forth here and adapting to my sitch (and like you am so thankfull for this community)

Journaling;
I texted W early in the day and let her know i would be by her place at 4pm to fix something at her place and let her know i had reservations at 5:45. This alone is a change for me, actually planning in advance, sorry to say. I finished the repair and we sat on her couch and chatted for awhile. She seemed tired and was not dressed to go out, so I asked if she was up to going out. She quickly responded that she was and she would go get ready. Throughout the evening i kept telling myself
to not pressure and to have no expectations. Again, her "desire" is to be friends. That is my first goal is to help her to feel comfortable as friends and evaluate from there. Dinner went very well, no R talks no pressure, just small talk and catching up. It was interesting that they sat us at a fairly large horshoe table and she did seem to sit about as far to the corner away from me as she could (just working on good observation skills). She looked so good and seemed to be enjoying the evening. I know from previous conversation that there are times she has fealt lonely and i want to be there to help fill that void before she looks elsewhere. I drove her back to her place and in saying goodbye was able to hug her several times, not too affectionately but more caring. She texted me later and thanked me for the evening and to wish me a good trip.

So all went well for the evening and i feel very good and encouraged. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient and understand that this is going to be a long process and to take baby steps.

We texted several times after this and then today i believe i blew it. She very rarely texts while at work so if i do text i know that i shouldn't "expect" a reply. I texted about forgeting my leftovers in the microwave and added " PS, just got to say you looked very hot last night". Now i justified sending this in that i need to learn to be more complementing but immediately regretted it in that it was not in line with my goal to help her feel comfortable "as friends" and add no pressure. No response. Learn and move on....

[Hopefull2]

Time for a catch up update;

~10/20 Wife had her surgery all went well then she developed infection. I was out of state talking to her on the phone about our daughter and I could tell her asthma was getting too her. I ended our conversation telling her she needed to do a treatment and if she did not improve she should go to the ER. She hates having to go in and i think was concerned about the cost. When i suggested the ER i told her to use our joint account. When I called her back she was just arriving at ER. All went well and she called when she was released to let me know how she was doing better.

~10/22 Came back to town then off again hunting. Talked with W to see how she was doing, just showing i care. She texted picture of incision and the rash she had developed. texted back and forth a bit then i was off to the hills.

~10/28 Came back to town called W to check in, talked a bit, she let me know she was having daughter and G-daughter over for a bite to eat before trick-or-treating (a tradition she has always done with our kids). I truly gave her several opportunities to invite me over as well but no invite, left it alone (do not push...). Had no contact the rest of the week.

Saturday 11/4 called W in the morning talked a while then I asked if she would like to have dinner and see a movie. She said she was thinking of seeing movie w daughter and for me to call her later in the afternoon. When I called back around 3 she said that would be fine baby steps...

Dinner went fine no R talk but she did bring up how she feels happier now then she has in a long time, this just minutes after talking about other health issues that are affecting her moods and messes with her mind... She also had to mention a discussion with a friend about how she is NOT LONELY...I must say i felt myself getting worked up then is said to myself "believe nothing that they say"...and settled down. The rest of the evening went well, movie then took her back to her place. Walked her too her door and followed her lead into the condo. Bit of an awkward moment then i asked for some haloween candy. Chatted just a bit longer then said I should be going. Gave her a couple of embracing hugs and left. I so would have liked more ... No pressure, continue to let her know I will respect her space. Maybe a peck on the cheek next time??

Great evening i know, but why is it today I find my mind wandering as to whether i would entertain the idea of asking another woman out??? Having doubts that she will ever want me or have the same commitment to me that she use too....

[reachingHigher]

Hopeful, I certainly feel like I don't know a lot how to act, but it does sound like you did great. No pressure to her, and stayed the right amount of time and all.

She knows you are interested in her. Sounds like she just needs some space and that's so hard on the LBS. I know, I know.

Seems entirely normal to think of wanting to be with someone else. I think of it often, even loving my H dearly. I really believe he is "done", for now, and I don't really want to be alone the rest of my life.

You sound so balanced, loving and forgiving. Maybe your W will wake up one day to see the treasure she has in you. I hope so!

[Hopefull2]

thanks RH

Seems entirely normal to think of wanting to be with someone else. I think of it often, even loving my H dearly. I really believe he is "done", for now, and I don't really want to be alone the rest of my life.

Some of my sentiments exactly but i have no clue what my W is wanting long term. Even though we are working on our friendship i want more. I am lonely and likewise, do not plan on being alone the rest of my life. Ok, I'll use my own 2x4, its only been 8 months stop your whining... I think i am just feeling anxious because of the move. Feel like it will be more dificult to cultivate any type of R. I also believe this puts me and my morals at risk. The longer we are separated the more temptation i will have to stray or even give up.

I have no idea what kind of contact she is/or isn't having with the OM. I have found myself wondering about this a lot lately. I know my W has quit going to a lot of the social activities of our group and nearest i can tell he has not been going either, curious... I keep telling myself to stay the course, and not worry about what i can't control.

Talked to W last night and again she makes a point of telling me how "content" she is right now. This really hits me everytime. I have done well keeping my mouth shut...

The hoiday drama is already starting. W wants to have her family over to her new place and show off her showhome (she really does have a nice place and has done a great job decorating and furnishing it, which i paid for ) The problem she has is she can't fit everybody. She invites parents, siblings and doesn't invite my older daughter and family, our son (who she hasn't talked too in months) or me. She does invite my younger daughter and g-daughter. Older daughter tries to talk her into having it at her house but W will have no part of it. It's got to be at her house.... So, Older daughter is planning dinner. Sounds like i will be enjoying T day with all three of my kids my 3 grandkids and W gets to host her parents and siblings to show off her condo.... I'm fine with that , but i do think W is going to catch flack from her parents... I'm fine with that too . Sorry just venting. I knew the holidays would be a challenge.

[job]

Your wife is looking for validation and affirmation from the family on how she has moved on and decorated her new home. She's bragging in her own way. It doesn't matter that she can't fit everyone in the home for Thanksgiving because she's not thought that part out completely.

Enjoy your holiday w/your children. She's going to have a lot of questions tossed her way from her family, etc. It shall be a very interesting holiday!

[TSquared2]

Hi Hopeful2,

Been there, even went so far as try a singles site for a week or so back in Feb. I was thinking I was just about done. Here is why I didn't continue looking elsewhere, your mileage may vary...

-if I started up with dating, it would probably have done one of two things with W: either pushed her to fully leave, or, she might have tried to reconcile or whatever TOO EARLY, before she was completely done with her crisis. And that could/would lead to another dive down the tunnel at some point in the future...I have seen her do this, I am on round 2, I don't want another. She needs to complete this journey and we will either R or D, but I want any R do be done with clear choice, resolution, not a knee-jerk reaction to competition or whatever.

-what if I got something going with someone else? Then I am in a dilemma, right? Not a big fan of drama these days... lol.

-the example for the kids. Oh, things get rough, so Dad just takes the easy way and runs away to someone else. Not my teaching goal.

-my own values as to what kind of person I am and want to be. Cut and run ain't my idiom.

-do I really think I am ready for a real relationship at this time? REALLY???

-what if I date a needy/mlc'er who won't let go, wants more than is possible, etc...you know, a bunny boiler...

-STDs

-it would then justify all of W's cheating, lies, etc...(oh I said to myself so many times, what's "good" for the goose...).

-did I mention that I don't care much for drama anymore these days??

I know how tough it is, man. I see W every frickin day, and on those days when she's attractive to me...ugh, pain, longing. But you know, maybe this is part of MY journey and lesson...to not be dependent on getting that, or anyone. To be okay on my own, to meet my owns needs. To learn and grow from this challenge and suffering.

Just my 2.5 cents...



T^2