3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[leopoldstotch]

Ed I asked you some tough questions that you haven't answered.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Ed... How's it going? Haven't heard from you for a while...

[Am I Too Late]

I have been busy, mostly with my son and his activities.

I did sell 1 of my Harleys last week.

We had fun trick or treating last night.

I still go through lots of periods of time kicking myself in the proverbial azz for thinking i was doing the right things, but really just wound up being a doormat.

I should have joined this forum 3 years ago, but i was still in shell-shock for pizzing off my wife with how much time i previously spent on contractor related forums, plus being a moderator on about 4-5 of them. I was told i cared more about my internet friends more than my wife, which i discovered after d-day. So, the only internet obsession i had was googling stuff about marriage and personality disorders to try to make sense out of the situation.

Had last Friday night without my son, as he had a play date with a friend down the block.

Saturday, same thing in the afternoon with a different friend for him.

Saturday night i took him and his friend to a scout sponsored haunted trail.

Sunday, we went to a movie and saw Hotel Transylvania.

Limited contact with the wife. She showed up for the school costume parade that lasted about 20-30 minutes and then left.

I stayed as i have been a volunteer for every single class party since pre-school through current 4th grade, 3 times per year. Wife took a field trip bus route at her work and missed out on trick or treating. Same old story, she missed 3 or 4 recent karate classes due to taking an extra hour shift. She told me that she is getting less than 30 hours pet week from the routes she chose and that would not qualify her/us for health insurance if the new contract terms for next year were in play now.

In September, she said she would start paying some child support on October 15th. That didn't happen, so i reminded her about that today, and for 1she says she spent too much and can have something next week, but wants to know what i think is fair. In Illinois, it is supposed to be 20% for 1 child aftet taxes.

I also told her that our son asked me 5 days after she had him for her visit 19 days ago, that he asked me if mommy was having S-E-X with the guy that was at her apartment when she brought him there.

Now, a 9 year old shouldn't have to even think about that about his mommy.

I am still looking at running my old business and paid for the liability insurance last week.

I read alot of threads on this site and others about how they got on with their lives afterwards. I don't want to spend that much more time dwelling about a lost cause relationship anymore though.

Going to the circus tomorrow night with scout families. He doesn't remember being there before, because he was too young.

II really and sincerely appreciate you checking in on me. I'm doing the best i can, but i know i need to do more.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Another thing that i felt yesterday for the 1st time, or actually didn't feel..... When she was there for the school costume parade, i did not look at her in the same manner as all times in the past, meaning that i was not awestruck by how pretty she was to me and i didn't feel that gaping hole in my heart of loss and abandonment and how much i missed the past history we shared.

I think that's a 1st ever non-feeling for me about her.

I hope that's progress and that it becomes more consistent in the future.

Da mned alcohol!!!!! She wasn't like this when she was in AA and she will not be able to see it.

Well, me and my son will have a nice night going to the circus later today and if we get there 90 minutes early, we can visit the animals and entertainers. Sounds cool.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

This past Saturday my wife said she wanted to take our son for a visit after his karate class and said that no one else would be around, just her. Also, i told her my parents were in town and might come watch our sons karate class.

She didn't show up again. I'm just glad i never tell our son she plans on being there.

When karate was done, my parents took us out for lunch. Nice meal and friendly conversations.

When i left the restaurant, i passed up a bar and saw my wifes car in the parking lot, still way early in the afternoon, so i know what was more important than visiting her only child.

Then i went and visited a friend for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Sunday, i spent the day watching the Bears game and then took my son to the library and then grocery shopping.

I can not make my W follow through with her planned visits with our son and can not guilt her about choosing being at a bar instead of seeing her son.

She really missed out too. He received his Yellow Belt from the test he took a month ago.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

So, i guess what i have noticed recently, is that i have upgraded my focus on other things in life without the constant overwhelming feelings of loss, regret and abandonment.

I still think about things alot, but no longer to the point of dizzying paralysis.

The woman that my W has become is Not someone i want in my life, or in my sons life for that matter, but she is not pursuing her maternal role, which may be for the best.

Several weeks,ago, she had told me that she has not been much of a mother ever since her own mom got sick, hospitalized and passed away, which is nearing the 4 year mark later this month. She is absolutely correct about that, but prior to that event and her alcohol relapse, she was a kind and caring compassionate wife, mother and friend.

I am thinking Against telling her i saw her car at the bar when she was supposed to have been visiting our son, but i would appreciate any feedback. My opinion is, what good would it do? She internally knows what she chooses to do is wrong and if i pointed it out, she would just dig in her heels and find something to blame or excuse the reason for missing being present. In this occasion, she would probably say she didn't want to interfere with my sons Grandparents visit prior to them leaving for their winter vacation. She is nervous and probably embarrassed to be around them.

Heck, she was going to skip showing up at our sons 1st Holy Communion party, except her sister said to her that she was showing up regardless if my W did or not, because S-I-L is our sons Godmother.

Okay, enough about her.....

I am looking forward to getting more business things done this week and some Major clean up at my home, a little bit, or one room at a time.

I really appreciated AlkalineThoughts posting 5 days ago. It helped to make me feel that someone cares about how i am doing. Thank you AT. By the way, i went through all of your linked threads about your own sitch from beginning through current. I Pray for you.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Well, my W showed up at our S9's karate class tonight and i kept focused only on our sons lessons, with very minimal, but not rude or stand-offish.

She thinks she has a pneumonia now and a part of me wants to reach out to her, but o resisted that impulse.

It's tough, because i still care, but i know my past efforts of being caring didn't seem to matter. Maybe someday she will wake up and see how much i used to be there for her, even when she was pulling away.

Well, let her find out that her OM is at a bar watching MNF and someday she will see how much he cares for her when she is sick.

She noticed the photos of our son getting his Yellow Belt this past Saturday because someone told her about it. I guess that is a small sign that she still sees what our son is achieving without her around. She could have been there too.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Why do i over-think things so much still?

In my mind, before and after a meeting i attended, i was still considering about showing my W i cared about her possible pneumonia or severe bronchitis by reaching out to her.

Don't worry, i didn't call.

I actually nearly had myself convinced that due to the distanced contact periods and me not responding to texts, that a reach out caring phone call would come across as a 180 currently.

But, then i remember who she has become since she relapsed and became a serial cheater. So no, i resisted the impulse and it is not a continuous feeling or thought to do so.

Oh well, just journaling some of my thoughts down.

I have some banking business tomorrow and have to bring my son to Catechism class and also remember to vote.

Go ahead, agree or disagree with my pondering if reaching out to express my concern for her would or would not be a 180. I just want to get your feedback to see how i am understanding the reality of that concept.

Ed

[AlkalineThoughts]

Hey Ed,

First thing's first... Your W already KNOWS you care, so you don't need to reach out to tell her that again... sickness or not.

And TRUST me, I know how hard it is to NOT reach out in times like this... your instinct is to continue to care for her and show her that you're there for her... but the simple fact is, she doesn't WANT you to be there for her...

If she did, well she knows how to get in touch with you. And you've proven time and again that you'll be there if she needs you.

As for confronting her about seeing her car at the bar instead of being at S's karate class... you know the answer there already. It will do absolutely NOTHING good. She know where she was, as she made that decision... You pointing out that YOU know too won't give her a new perspective or make her see the light.

With respect to your attitude and "lack of feeling", well as scary as that is, it's a sign of progress for you... The more you're able to stay stoic about things that used to send you into fits, the better you'll be.

But remember, the progress forward isn't a straight line... it's bumpy and filled with twists and turns... No matter how far you come, there's always going to be a roadblock... just keep moving forward, learning lessons, and becoming a better man.

Thank you so much for catching up on my sitch! I'm sure it took a while, and I appreciate your caring... Hopefully it can help you in some small way. And I also appreciate the prayers!

Oh and one last thing: You reaching out would not be a 180... it would be pursuit...

[Am I Too Late]

Thank you so much AT for reading and replying.

Yes, it took me much of the day to read your entire sitch, but it was a worthwhile read for perspective.

I knew in my gut and mind what Not to do, but my emotional heart still cares and thats why i was wondering about shoeing her compassion about her being sick again. She is very prone to allergies and sinus drippage that becomes worse like this.

In the past, i would have gone out and bought whatever she needed like a humidifier and relief meds.

I didn't call or offer to do anything, But i still wanted to.

I'm not detached enough yet, but i am getting better. I knew i shouldn't and i listened to myself.

Once again, thank you So Much for checking in with me. I was wondering if i screwed up so long that more vetted members thought my sitch or goals were a cause not worth responding to, but you came through, and i sincerely appreciate it.

I just got done reading the entire sitch by AnotherStander. I figure i can learn from real life experiences and timelines.

I am becoming more optimistic about Me though recently, and that is a good thing.

Ed